The Office Season 8 Quotes - Trivia
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| Kevin | [Interview] Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was. But here's a piece of trivia: A fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea, So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are... you just might catch one. |
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| Dwight Schrute | You're a perfectly fine toilet... I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. |
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| Kevin | [Eating candy bar] Oh yeah! |
| [Everyone groans angrily] | |
| Dwight Schrute | I knew it! As soon as I heard that wrapper! |
| Oscar | Do you really have to say "oh yeah!" every time you eat a candy bar? |
| Kevin | I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good! [Takes another bite] Oh yeah! |
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| Andy Bernard | What else can be done with paper? |
| Jim Halpert | You can write a book... about... chairs. |
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| Gabe | [On phone] You can reduce your prices by 10%, or we're gonna be finding a new source for our morning bagels. [Hangs up] |
| Dwight Schrute | Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy. |
| Gabe | Yeah... but not just bagels, all unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house? |
| Dwight Schrute | Meat grinder. |
| Gabe | Too slow, it's the toilet. And... I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean and, just like a toilet, I am essential. |
| Dwight Schrute | ...You know, Gabe, you could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator, or a razor and instead you chose toilet. God bless you, you are an American classic. |
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| Andy Bernard | A team! Alright! Nice self-awareness! Except... [Andy, Jim, and Darryl all look at Kevin awkwardly] |
| Kevin | [Gets discouraged and leaves] ...Ok. |
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| Trivia announcer | Alright, first question, everyone: Ray Charles famously had this state on his mind. What is its capital? |
| Andy Bernard | Oh, we got this! |
| Creed | Let's reverse engineer this. You're a black singer. Where do you go? Somewhere where you're a novelty! Alaska? |
| Stanley | Atlanta. |
| Phyllis | Oh, I know you think that because that's where the Olympics were held. |
| Stanley | Keep talkin' all you want. |
| Kevin | How am I supposed to know what was on his mind? Ooh, what do blind people think about? |
| Erin | Ok.. Dogs, canes, signs, manholes, stairs, piano, darkness. |
| Trivia announcer | Ok, time's up. Let's get the boards up. |
| [Everyone holds up their signs. Everyone except Kevin's group gets it right. Kevin wrote: "What is... SEE-attle"] |
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| Oscar | Andy, please, just stop. You can do infinite things with paper. |
| Andy Bernard | Ah, shh shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things you can do with paper! Now, who wants to buy some paper? |
| [Everyone claps] | |
| Jim Halpert | Very nice... very nice sales pitch for our clients who don't know what paper is. |
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| Andy Bernard | [Interview] Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to 8% by the end of the quarter. That's today. And we're $830 short... and I can't afford to keep buying paper from us... so today, we need to sell $830 worth of paper, and in the next quarter I need to sell the $2,200 worth of paper that's in my garage. |
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| Oscar | Andy, you had a great quarter. Robert will understand. $830 is like a rounding error. |
| Andy Bernard | So make that error! |
| Kevin | Hey! I can make that error! |
| Andy Bernard | Well... it's just... I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing, but it's a little more complicated than that... |
| Kevin | [Disappointed] ...Oh... |
| Andy Bernard | I just need a real accountant on this. |
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| Oscar | What does this say about you? That you followed me here, that you think you're going to win your sales quota? At a gay bar's trivia night? |
| Andy Bernard | It says that I believe in my staff's intelligence, and that I'm willing to try ANYTHING! [A gay man looks at him seductively] ...Well not "anything". |
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| Andy Bernard | We need to divide up into teams, but it's winner-take-all, so no need to divide evenly. We need an A team, a backup team, and a just-have-fun team. So you guys all know yourselves... |
| Meredith | Good-timers, follow me! |
| Phyllis | Backups! |
| [Jim follows Phyllis and the backup team] | |
| Stanley | Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here. |
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| Dwight Schrute | So it's a very simple argument of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales. NOBODY has sold more printers in the northeast than ME. Bottom line, I know the product. I get it! |
| Secretary | Well, you got my vote! |
| Dwight Schrute | [Mutters] Oh my God... |
| Gabe | ...Yeah... |
| Dwight Schrute | I believe that character is destiny. My character is one that... wait, why are you smiling? |
| Gabe | ...What? |
| Dwight Schrute | What's with the smile? |
| Gabe | You're doing great... so good. |
| Dwight Schrute | And my character is one that will never give up until greatness is on the horizon... behind us. |
| Gabe | Dwight, that was a fantastic presentation. Now... put your hand on my hand... FLUSH! |
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| Andy Bernard | [Interview] So, our best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands (and brains) of Kevin, Meredith, Erin and Kelly. Do I like these odds? My answer is no. |
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| Trivia announcer | Alright guys, time's up. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared? Looks like everyone gets a point for "Albert Einstein"... oh, wait, except for the Einsteins. |
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| Jim's Note | "We're on the longest silent streak in office history!" [flips page] "Nobody has said anything in..." [checks watch, then writes] "14 min!" |
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| Dwight Schrute | [Interview] Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I've successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine. |
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| Dwight Schrute | Surrounded by shrubbery. Like a squirrel's office. |
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| Gabe | [Interview] Corporate says to me, "Gabe, we need you in Scranton". Scranton says, "Gabe, go back down to Florida, you're needed there". So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm up there. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I'm down here... I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying. |
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| Andy Bernard | There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia. |
| Jim Halpert | Stop right there! I love it. |
| Darryl | I'm in. |
| Andy Bernard | Let me tell you what it is. |
| Darryl | It's trivia. |
| Jim Halpert | In Philadelphia. |
| Andy Bernard | But here's the best part: The prize is $1000! And if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here, close the gap on our 8% profit increase. |
| Jim Halpert | Great idea. |
| Darry | That's a great plan. |
| Andy Bernard | I'm so psyched you guys are into it! I was like, "This sounds really stupid!" |
| Darryl | You just made a good idea a great idea. |
| Andy Bernard | There is one problem with this plan. We'd have to leave work right now to do this. |
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| Gabe | You're gonna like Bill. He lets me toilet a lot of people for him. |
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| Gabe | Hey man... uh, look. Unfortunately, Bill had to go fight a fire. So... |
| Dwight Schrute | [Smells deeply] There are no fires within eight miles of here! |
| Gabe | Well, maybe it's nine miles away. |
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| Trivia announcer | Excuse me, sir, on the Dunder Mifflin A team... excuse me, sir... I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account... [the gay crowd laughs] but you can't check smart phones during trivia. It's against the rules. |
| Ryan Howard | Ok... I'm turning it off. |
| Trivia announcer | Ok, you're not turning it off. |
| Ryan Howard | I won't look at it... |
| Trivia announcer | Sir... |
| Ryan Howard | I can't, I can't not touch it. |
| Trivia announcer | Ok, we're just gonna take it away. [Ryan hands over phone reluctantly] Thank you. |
| Ryan Howard | [Gets up and leaves] I can't, I can't not have my phone. I'm sorry. I want to be with my phone... |
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| Robert California | Trust me, one nine minute bout is the cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. I could go to the gym three times a week, or I could wrestle Stu once a month. |
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| Robert California | They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they? |
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| Robert California | Florida is America's basement. It's wet, it's filled with mold, the strange insects... alligators... alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight! You knew that right? |
| Dwight Schrute | Hmm... it's complicated. |
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| Andy Bernard | Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let's get high on our own supply! |
| Angela | Andy, you want us to buy our own paper? |
| Andy Bernard | ...Yes. |
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| Dwight Schrute | Dwight Schrute for Robert California! |
| Secretary | Oh, hello, Mr. Schrute. I'll tell him you're here. Can I get you anything at all? |
| Dwight Schrute | I'm not here to be given anything. I'm here to take what is mine. |
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| Gabe | Dwight? What are you doing here? |
| Dwight Schrute | Gabe? You don't know? |
| Gabe | Of course I don't. |
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| Oscar | I am leaving early today because tonight I have a trivia contest in Philadelphia. Any other crunch-time, I would love to stay and cook the books for you so you can save face in front of your CEO... but tonight is Trivacalypse! |
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| Gabe | C.E.O. to C.O.O. ...what a difference a letter makes. |
| Dwight Schrute | Still an important position... Still a chief. |
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| Gabe | [Answers phone] Hallway phone, Gabe Lewis speaking. |
| Robert California | [On phone] Gabe, listen to me. Don't bother Bill with this, he has to go put out a fire on the homefront. Just wait twenty minutes, then I want you to listen to Dwight's pitch. Make him feel valued, make him feel heard. |
| Gabe | Your wish is my command. |
| Robert California | It's a command. |
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| Darryl | There were times on the two and a half hour drive when I experienced doubt... [looking around] That's the thing about long drives, you know, you're always gonna--this is a gay bar. |
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| Trivia announcer | [Question] Hey now, you're not an all-star of the NBA, but you did get your game on when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year award in 2011. Who are you? |
| Andy Bernard | Jim, Darryl, your time to shine. |
| Jim Halpert | Shawn Marion. |
| Darryl | Yes. Shawn Marion. |
| Ryan Howard | That doesn't sound right, I want to say... Ladamian Washington? |
| Jim Halpert | Wrong. For so many reasons. |
| Phyllis | I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful? |
| Stanley | [Gets up to leave] That's it, I'm going to go watch the boats on the river. |
| Kevin | Ron Artest, Kelly. |
| Kelly | No, it's Lamar Odom. If it was Ron Artest, it would've come up on Dancing With The Stars when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family. Lamar winning Sixth Man was a huge storyline on Klohe and Lamar. |
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| Robert California | Dwight, the job is not right for you. Now, when something comes along that is right for you, I'll try you out. Now get the hell out of my place. |
| Dwight Schrute | Yes. |
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