Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office

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Jim Halpert: You okay?
Dwight Schrute: I am better than you have ever been and ever will be.
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Jim Halpert: [After exiting a storage closet with Pam] We took a walk...
Pam Beesly: We took a walk.
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Jim Halpert: Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean eventually, he'll figure it out. When their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just... awkward.
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Jim Halpert: One my clients found a golden ticket.
Michael Scott: Ooohohoo! La di doo! Do to pa ta [does a roll] Tell me! Was it, a spoiled little girl with big lips, or an odd little boy, with a cowboy obsession. Invite them on the tour!
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Dwight Schrute: You gotta learn Jim, you are second in command but that does not put you above the law.
Jim Halpert: Oh I understand. And I also have lots of questions. Like, what does a demerit mean?
Dwight Schrute: Let's put it this way, you do not want to receive three of those.
Jim Halpert: Lay it on me.
Dwight Schrute: Three demerits and you'll receive a citation.
Jim Halpert: Now, that sounds serious.
Dwight Schrute: Oh it is serious. Five citations and you're looking at a violation. Four of those and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in world of hurt. In the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me, and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim Halpert: Which would be me.
Dwight Schrute: That is correct.
Jim Halpert: Okay. I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disagulation.
Dwight Schrute: What's a dis- What's that?
Jim Halpert: Oh you don't wanna know.
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Dwight Schrute Okay, you know what? This isn't working because uh, I'm not nervous in front of them, they're my subordinates.
Jim Halpert: Uh, no we're not.
Dwight Schrute: Ah, yes you are, I am assistant regional manger.
Jim Halpert: Which means absolutely nothing.
Dwight Schrute: Michael can you explain?
Michael Scott: Well, it's mostly made up.. so..
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Jim Halpert: Hey Kelly.
Kelly: Are you moving back here?
Jim Halpert: Um, just for the day, while Michael's at my desk.
Kelly: Because Toby used to sit there but then he had to move over there because of an allergy.
Jim Halpert: Allergy to the desk?
Kelly: Weird.
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Dwight Schrute: [walking into the conference room eating beef jurkey] Brownies is it? Hmph. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat. No thank you, I'll stick with my jurkey.
Jim Halpert: So why'd you come in here?
Dwight Schrute: To socialize. And inform.
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Jim Halpert: To tell you the truth, I used to have a big thing for pam. So..
Michael Scott: Really. You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never put you two together.. did you really.. you really hid it well. God. I usually have a radar for stuff like that. [sighs] You know I made out with Jan.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I know.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Yeah. Well, Pam is cute.
Jim Halpert: Yeah... she's really funny. She's warm... and she's just... yeah.
Michael Scott: Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.
Jim Halpert: She's engaged.
Michael Scott: Pift. BFD. Engaged aint married.
Jim Halpert: Huh.
Michael Scott: Never, ever, ever give up.
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Pam Beesly: [in Jim's ear over bluetooth] Ooh, cute shoes online.
Jim Halpert: How many shoes do you need?
Dwight Schrute: I donno. Two? Maybe three if one wears out. How many shoes do you need?
Jim Halpert: I'm not talking to you.
Dwight Schrute: Who are you talking to?
Jim Halpert: Pam.
Dwight Schrute: She's not here, Jim!
Jim Halpert: No, she's not.
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Michael Scott: This might be Phyllis only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So, I am instituting primae noctis.
[cut to interview]
Jim Halpert: Primae noctis, i believe from the movie Braveheart and confirmed on Wikipedia is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...
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Jim Halpert: Quick announcement, if I could have everybody's attention. We do have wine in the kitchen, and uh, there is beer available on the porch and despite what you all might think its not all for Meredith and Kelly, so please enjoy.
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