Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office
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| [Pam clutching her chest in pain] | |
| Jim Halpert: | What's up? |
| Dwight Shrute: | Hey milk is coming in she's getting uncomfortable. |
| Jim Halpert: | Dwight don't be gross. |
| Pam Halpert: | No, no he's right. |
| Dwight Shrute: | Same things happens to my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk 'em. Or else they'll moo like crazy. |
| Pam Halpert: | That's weird my breast pump's missing. [to Jim] Have you seen my breast pump? |
| Dwight Shrute: | [taking off his suit jacket and pumping hand sanitizer] Ok, this is going to traumatize me a hell of a lot more than you believe me. |
| Pam Halpert: | You know what Dwight? Let me just check the bathroom first. 'K? |
| Dwight Shrute: | Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes, and I would drain you. |
| Pam Halpert: | Mmmm. |
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| Jim Halpert: | Excuse me, how long is the wait for a table for two? |
| Dwight Schrute: | I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years |
| Pam Beasley: | It's a nice tux. |
| Dwight Schrute: | I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it so... family heirloom. |
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| Pam Beesly: | This is the best burger I've ever had, babe. |
| Jim Halpert: | Babe, I should have told you but, I did something bad. |
| Pam Beesly: | Mm? |
| Jim Halpert: | I stole this. [holds up Hunter's CD] For you, babe. |
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| Andy: | What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message so it just has a little more zing and a little more pep. |
| Michael Scott: | Zing and pep. See that's- those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes Jim. |
| Jim Halpert: | What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep. |
| Michael Scott: | Now we're thinking. I like this. |
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| Trivia announcer | [Question] Hey now, you're not an all-star of the NBA, but you did get your game on when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year award in 2011. Who are you? |
| Andy Bernard | Jim, Darryl, your time to shine. |
| Jim Halpert | Shawn Marion. |
| Darryl | Yes. Shawn Marion. |
| Ryan Howard | That doesn't sound right, I want to say... Ladamian Washington? |
| Jim Halpert | Wrong. For so many reasons. |
| Phyllis | I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful? |
| Stanley | [Gets up to leave] That's it, I'm going to go watch the boats on the river. |
| Kevin | Ron Artest, Kelly. |
| Kelly | No, it's Lamar Odom. If it was Ron Artest, it would've come up on Dancing With The Stars when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family. Lamar winning Sixth Man was a huge storyline on Klohe and Lamar. |
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| Jim Halpert: | It's a bold move to photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael is a bold guy. Is bold the right word? |
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| [Michael is making farting noises] | |
| Toby: | Come on Michael. You're interrupting. |
| Michael Scott: | You're kidding me! God! You say radon is silent but deadly and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this! You know what we're not going to die of radon we're going to die of boredom. |
| [office laughs] | |
| Michael Scott: | Right? And if I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice. |
| [disapproval from everyone] | |
| Dwight Shrute: | You were being really funny, and then you went too far. |
| Michael Scott: | I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby. |
| Dwight Shrute: | No, it's still... |
| Michael Scott: | OK geniuses how would you do it? |
| Creed: | Curve the bullet, like in my favorite James McAvoy film, um, Wanted. |
| Oscar: | All that does is help you shoot around things. When there's Bin Laden-- |
| Ryan: | Is there a curtain rod in the room. |
| Michael Scott: | I donno. |
| Stanley: | How 'bout make believe land has anyyything you want. |
| Jim Halpert: | Stanley please. This is serious. |
| Angela: | Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence. |
| Michael Scott: | Yes, we should stab Toby through the heart with an icicle. |
| Dwight Shrute: | Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it, you line them all up, you take one bullet shoot them all through the throat at the same time. [stands up] Watch this, Phyllis, you're Hitler, come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up. Throats together. |
| Toby: | I don't wanna do this. |
| Michael Scott: | Toby just do it! God! |
| Dwight Shrute: | [holding his fingers like a gun to Phyllis' throat] Ready? One bullet, and, boom! [shows bullet travelling through Toby and Andy's necks] |
| Michael Scott: | [the office applauds] It works! |
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| Jim Halpert: | I am on the first hot sales streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding Ceci because, no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. And let's be honest if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything. |
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| Jim Halpert: | About a week ago, Michael gave his two weeks notice. And... surprisingly, there is a very big difference between Michael trying, and Michael not trying. |
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| [Pam sits at her desk and finds her plant dead] | |
| Pam Halpert: | [to Jim, disappointed] Couldn't have watered it? |
| Jim Halpert: | I literally did not know that existed, until this moment. |
| Dwight Shrute: | Well I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die. |
| Pam Halpert: | It's nice to see you again Dwight. |
| Dwight Shrute: | Hello Pam. |
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| Michael Scott: | Okay, alright. So. James Halpert. [starts to cry] You started with this company, as a fine young man... |
| Jim Halpert: | You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch. |
| Michael Scott: | Oh, okay. |
| Jim Halpert: | And then tomorrow, I can tell you... what a great boss, you turned out to be. The best boss I ever had. [Jim is holding back tears too] |
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| Jim Halpert: | [over the phone to Pam] Ok you gotta hear this. Jan's shower is going on right now, she's singing Son of a Preacher Man. Everyone's just STARING at her! Like, the song is about losing your virginity next to a church. And guess what? She's been singing for the last twenty minutes! |
| Pam Beesly: | I can hear anything! |
| Jim Halpert: | Oh. Oh ok. Well you know what, I, uh, just uh, call me later. |
| Pam Beesly: | Okay? |