Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office

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Jim Halpert: Hey everybody. Hi, how you doin'. Could I have your attention please 'cause we have to talk about this birthday thing.
Pam Beesly: Conference room?
Jim Halpert: Yes. Conference room. Five minutes. Nnnnno. No. We're gonna solve it right here. We're actually gonna talk about it, out here. So who has problems with the birthday thing? One two three, everybody. Ok so then we just shouldn't do it.
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Oscar Andy, please, just stop. You can do infinite things with paper.
Andy Bernard Ah, shh shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things you can do with paper! Now, who wants to buy some paper?
[Everyone claps]
Jim Halpert Very nice... very nice sales pitch for our clients who don't know what paper is.
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Jim Halpert: Hey Kelly. What's up?
Kelly: Nothing oh! Except oh my God, Jim! Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up. It was awesome.
Jim Halpert: Oh. That's great. I'm really happy for you.
Kelly: I know, and it was so funny because we were at this bar with his friends, and I was sitting next to him the whole night, and he wasn't making a move, so in my head I was like, 'Ryan! What's taking you so long?' And then, he kissed me, and I didn't know what to say, so I said, 'Ryan! What took you so long?'
Jim Halpert: Wow.
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Jim Halpert: What'd you do, Prison Mike?
Michael Scott: I stole... and I robbed... and I kidnapped the president's son... and held him for ransom.
Jim Halpert: That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.
Michael Scott: And I never got caught neither.
Jim Halpert: Well, you were in prison, but umhmm.
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Jim Halpert: If we get this, they might not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. Years. Years...
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Dwight Schrute: [yelling at Kelly] What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things, huh. Like how to fashion a shiv. Hmm?
Jim Halpert: Hey, what the hell's going on?
Dwight Schrute: Why don't you tell Jim where you were from age fourteen to fifteen.
Kelly: I was kickin' it.
Dwight Schrute: In juvie.
Jim Halpert: What?
Dwight Schrute: Juvie. Nile. Detention center. Where they send teenagers!
Jim Halpert: Yep.
Dwight Schrute: For re--
Jim Halpert: Got it.
Dwight Schrute: [to Kelly] What did you do?
Jim Halpert: Dwight? Sounds like she was fourteen so maybe you wanna go a little easy.
Dwight Schrute: If she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law. What did you do!
Kelly: My boyfriend dumped me. So I stole his boat. I mean he told me it was his boat it was actually his father's. I just thought it would be really romantic, like Thelma and Louise, but with like a boat. And it was, the worst year of my life and I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday!
Dwight Schrute: I thought you said yesterday was your birthday!
Jim Halpert: Hey! You know what? I... got you a cake!
Kelly: [happy all of a sudden] You did? I wanna see the cake.
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Jim Halpert: You'll never guess. I just got a message from my landlord. Apparently my apartment flooded. Something with the sprinklers.
Jan: Oh no!
Jim Halpert: Pam we should probably get going to see the damage.
Michael Scott: Well you don't know two of you to do that.
Jim Halpert: [pause] That's... true, um. [pause] Dinner sounded delicious. Pam, see you at home? Thank you so much.
Pam Beesly: Oh Jim I don't think you're going to abandon this party here all by itself.
Jim Halpert: No, 'cause everything I own is there.
Pam Beesly: You can buy new stuff but you can't buy a new party!
Michael Scott: That's true! That is a great point. Come on down here. Sit down, on the couch. We're your friends and we're not going to let you think about all your stuff being destroyed alright?
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Dwight Schrute: Angela said she's going to tell him she's just not ready.
Michael Scott: When will she be ready?
Dwight Schrute: I don't know.
Michael Scott: Is she crazy in bed?
Dwight Schrute: Yesss.
Jim Halpert: Stop. What?--
Michael Scott: How so, specifically?
Jim Halpert: This shouldn't happen at work--
Dwight Schrute: Eager. And flexible.
Michael Scott: Really.
Jim Halpert: And! This shouldn't be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact, that that man has an anger issue.
Michael Scott: Too late.
Jim Halpert: Well it's not too late cause you haven't done anything.
Michael Scott: I am already walking.
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Michael Scott: So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, wait. Does anyone wanna trade?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I'll trade.
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Kelly: You know what Dwight? You need to go back there and you need to Pretty Woman their asses.
Creed: We should start our own mall!
Erin: Yeah!
Jim Halpert: Wait wait wait actually that's a really good idea Kelly.
Kelly: What did I say.
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[Dwight is in the conference room hanging up un-inflated balloons]
Jim Halpert: Are you kidding?
Dwight Schrute: Well I'm not done yet.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, this, fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown them up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight Schrute: They match the carpet.
Jim Halpert: What is that? [points to Dwight's banner] "It is your birthday" period.
Dwight Schrute: It's a statement of fact.
Jim Halpert: Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight Schrute: This is more professional! It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer!
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Michael Scott: She's dead? But she's so young.
Dwight Schrute: She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal that has ever died.
Michael Scott: Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: Why don't you sit down Michael. [helps Michael into his chair] There we go.
Jim Halpert: Michael you didn't even know her.
Michael Scott: Try not to be so hurtful, Jim. Please, not at a time like this.
[Jim looks over at Pam who is shaking her head]
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