Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office

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Dwight Schrute: Did you get your tickets yet?
Jim Halpert: To what?
Dwight Schrute: To the gun show. [kisses his bicep]
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Dwight Schrute: [over the radio] Woah, here's a guy, here's a guy! It's a security guard coming by. Hello! We're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof? ... Oh my God that was very close. I can see the security guard's eyes!
Jim Halpert: No! No. Don't do anything to them!
Dwight Schrute: I have to do something to his eyes.
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Jim Halpert: I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure you that it is certainly not more flammable.
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Charles Miner: Jim! Pam!
Pam Beesly: Heyy.
Jim Halpert: Hey Charles.
Charles Miner: Hey, nice day, huh? Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. [walks away]
Jim Halpert: I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore.
Pam Beesly: Do you want me to beat him up for ya?
Jim Halpert: No I shouldn't ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it.
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Jim Halpert: It's a bold move to photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael is a bold guy. Is bold the right word?
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Packer: Quick query, Halpert.
Jim Halpert: No way.
Packer: Still queer?
Dwight Schrute: Packer.
Packer: You can't put me down. Too strong!
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Michael Scott [reading] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." [flips to another paper] "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
Jim Halpert [cuts to camera] That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.
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Jim Halpert: Question. What kind of bear is best?
Dwight Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim Halpert: False. Black bear.
Dwight Schrute: That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought--
Jim Halpert: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight Schrute: Bears do not... What is going on?! What are you doing?!
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Michael Scott: So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, wait. Does anyone wanna trade?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I'll trade.
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Jim Halpert: Good game Meredith.
Meredith: Don't patronize me.
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Dwight Schrute: Michael wants us to bond so we need topics for conversation.
Jim Halpert: Ponies.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Ryan: How about rainbows?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: Flowers?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Ryan: Makeup?
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Bob Vance: I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass. And that other jackass and the new jackass.
Phyllis: He's talking about Michael, Dwight and Andy.
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah. I understood.
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