Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office

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Dwight Schrute [to camera. dressed as Pam, plays over shots of him in wigs] Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you're going to need to bear a passing resmeblance to someone.
Jim Halpert [to camera] I just want it to stop.
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Kevin: So, Jim. You're gonna live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I guess technically, Kev. You're right.
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Michael Scott: Hey it's 12:20. Where the hell's Dwight?
Jim Halpert: Ummm... no idea.
Michael Scott: "Never missed a day", my ass.
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Toby: To amsterdam.
Jim Halpert: When did you go there?
Toby: After my divorce.
Jim Halpert: Really, like how long?
Toby: Uh, about a week, er... maybe a month... I don- can't remember...
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Dwight Schrute: Anderson's three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions?
Nellie: What are the three pillars of retail?
Erin: [whispers] Convenience.
Dwight Schrute: Ingredients.
Erin: Service.
Dwight Schrute: Burgers.
Erin: Building loyalty.
Dwight Schrute: Killing royalty. The truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia. You know what is important? Is Dwight's pillars, and there is only one: desire. Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space? Not just succeed in it, but to dominate, and looking around this room I'm not so sure that we do, but we can get there, and I can lead us there, and that is all that matters.
Nellie: Very true. Where there's a will, there's a way. I once spent a passionate night with Hugh Grant's brother, John Grant. He's older than Hugh, just a little bit uglier. How did I pull that off? Sheer force of will. That is very good, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you very much. Any other questions? Jim?
Jim Halpert: You are bleeding through your shirt.
Dwight Schrute: Oops. That's embarrassing. Egg on my face.
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Dwight Schrute: I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.
Jim Halpert: Really. Does he do, good work?
Dwight Schrute: [scoffs] No, Jim, I use a bad apiarist.
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Michael Scott [reading] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." [flips to another paper] "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
Jim Halpert [cuts to camera] That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.
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Kevin: You should go to Hedonism.
Jim Halpert: What is that?
Kevin: It's like Club Med, but everything is naked.
Jim Halpert: I was thinking more like Europe, or something like that. But... good... second choice.
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[Andy plays his a capella group's rendition of "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon]
Pam Beesly: I'm confused. Am I walking down the aisle to "You Can Call Me Al"?
Andy: Trust me you will not be walking, you will be bogeying.
Jim Halpert: I am extremely interested. So, how much would all this cost?
Andy: Well twelve guys, airfare, three nights in a hotel, food per diem, table up front for merch... Nine, thousand dollars.
Pam Beesly: I donno it seems like a lot for an a capella group from a college we never went to.
Andy: Did you even hear the music I just played for you.
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm.
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[in the conference room with two phones on the table]
Michael Scott: Now Jim is going to be the client, Dwight you are going to have to sell to him without being [reading Dwight's performance review] aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let's go!
Dwight Schrute: Alright. Fine. [picks up phone] Brring, bring.
Jim Halpert: [picks up] Hello?
Dwight Schrute: Hello this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
Jim Halpert: Well that's great because I need paper.
Dwight Schrute: Excellent then you are in luck because we a limited time offer only on everything!
Jim Halpert: Wow this is my lucky day.
Michael Scott: [whispering to Dwight] Ask him his name.
Dwight Schrute: What is your name, sir?
Jim Halpert: I am Bill Butlicker.
Dwight Schrute: Really, that's your real name?
Jim Halpert: How dare you? My family built this country by the way!
Michael Scott: Be respectful, Dwight. Please.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, Michael.
Jim Halpert: Could you hold on one second that's my other line. Hello? [laughing] Yeah I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He's so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything.
Michael Scott: [after Dwight looks over at him] It's up to you to change his mind.
Jim Halpert: Sorry that was a.. family emergency.
Dwight Schrute: Oh no, what's wrong.
Jim Halpert: You know what? That's private.
Michael Scott: Boundaries, Dwight! Come on!
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry Mr. Butlicker. As I was saying, we are having--
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry you're going to have to speak up a little bit louder I'm hard of hearing.
Michael Scott: He's hard of-- He's an old man.
Dwight Schrute: As I was saying, right now--
Jim Halpert: You're gonna have talk louder.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. Our prices have never been lower--
Jim Halpert: Son you have to talk louder.
Dwight Schrute: Never been lower!--
Jim Halpert: LOUDER, SON!
Dwight Schrute: BUTLICKER! OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!--
Michael Scott: Stop it! [whispering] That is totally inappropriate! You never yell at the client! You never yell at the client.
Jim Halpert: Now you listen to me, sir.
Michael Scott: Here we go.
Jim Halpert: The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult! I'm irate right now!
Dwight Schrute: Mr. Butlicker!-- I have to put you on with my boss.
Michael Scott: Hello this is Michael Scott, regional manager.
Jim Halpert: Well this is William M. Butlicker.
Michael Scott: Hello Mr. Butlicker, how may we help you?
Jim Halpert: Michael I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to buy one million dollars worth of paper products today.
Michael Scott: [covering mic] See how it's done? Thank you very much sir I don't think you'll regret it.
Dwight Schrute: You are the master!
Jim Halpert: There is one condition, Michael. You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.
Dwight Schrute: Don't do it Michael.
Michael Scott: It's a million dollar sale...
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Jim Halpert: Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania based mid-size paper company regional salesman can attain, so...
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