Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office

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Katy: Do you think that will ever be us?
Jim Halpert: No.
Katy: What is wrong with you, why did you even bring me here tonight?
Jim Halpert: I donno. Let's break up.
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[phone rings]
Jim Halpert: Hello this is Dwight. [switches to accent] Hello Motta. I have married. Tell Fadda. [hangs up]
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Andy Bernard There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia.
Jim Halpert Stop right there! I love it.
Darryl I'm in.
Andy Bernard Let me tell you what it is.
Darryl It's trivia.
Jim Halpert In Philadelphia.
Andy Bernard But here's the best part: The prize is $1000! And if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here, close the gap on our 8% profit increase.
Jim Halpert Great idea.
Darry That's a great plan.
Andy Bernard I'm so psyched you guys are into it! I was like, "This sounds really stupid!"
Darryl You just made a good idea a great idea.
Andy Bernard There is one problem with this plan. We'd have to leave work right now to do this.
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Ryan: Do you know if shes looking for something long-term or if she'd be cool just hangin' out?
Jim Halpert: I have no idea.
Ryan: Could ya find out?
Jim Halpert: ...Yeah. Sure.
[later]
Kelly: Oh, long-term definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together. But don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm like up for anything, I mean I'm not a slut, but who knows?
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[hearing monster sounds coming out of Michael's office from his computer]
Jim Halpert: It's MonsteR dot com. Singular.
Michael Scott: Thank you!
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Jim Halpert: I am on the first hot sales streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding Ceci because, no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. And let's be honest if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything.
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Dwight Schrute: [to Jim] What is that, what are you supposed to be?
Jim Halpert: I'm three hole punch version of Jim. Because you can have me either way: plain white Jim, or three whole punch.
Phyllis: That's great.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah well look. What about me?
Phyllis: What are you, a monk?
Dwight Schrute: I am a Sith Lord... [Phyllis looks unimpressed] Oh big deal, three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt, this cost me 129 dollars!
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Jim Halpert: Last night on Trading Spouses, there's...have you seen it?
Pam Beesly: No. I have a life.
Jim Halpert: Interesting, what's that like?
Pam Beesly: You should try it sometime.
Jim Halpert: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?
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Dwight Schrute: What's this? What's The Fist?
Jim Halpert: Oh it's just a social club. You know, like The French Revolution or The Black Panters or Communists. It's just guys talking, you know.
Dwight Schrute: You want me to believe you're starting a rebellion?
Jim Halpert: Nope. Social Club. God, I hate when everyone calls us a rebellion.
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Jim Halpert: Question. What kind of bear is best?
Dwight Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim Halpert: False. Black bear.
Dwight Schrute: That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought--
Jim Halpert: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight Schrute: Bears do not... What is going on?! What are you doing?!
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Dwight Schrute: Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time in now, check-out time is never.
Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute: Sorry we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a late check-out?
Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert: You're not the manager, even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner.. the co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight Schrute: But I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: Eighty thousand dollars.
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Jim Halpert: I miss Dwight. Congratulations Universe. You win.
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