Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office

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Pam Beasley: [to Roy] Come on it'll be fun. And besides, I'm a roulette expert.
Dwight Schrute: Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.
Jim Halpert: I could always kind of win at roulette.
Dwight Schrute: Oh really. Mm-hmm, how would you do that?
Jim Halpert: Mind-control.
Dwight Schrute: Please, you can't be serious. Are you serious?
Jim Halpert: Ever since I was a little kid, like 8 or 9, I could sorta control things with my mind.
Dwight Schrute: I don't believe you. Continue.
Jim Halpert: It was just little things, you know? Like I could make some things shake or I could make a marble fall off a counter, you know just, little things.
Dwight Schrute: [scoffs] That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh, why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone, attention in the office please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I'll try.
[Pam moves coat rack with umbrella]
Dwight Schrute: Oh my God.
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Jim Halpert: I was thinking... fireworks. For the party.
Phyllis: Oh boy. I appreciate your help but I can't do--
Jim Halpert: Oh no no I just meant I wanted to pay, to have fireworks at the party.
Phyllis: Why would you do that?
Jim Halpert: Because I am going to miss Toby. Yep. That's it. He's a good guy and I think we should send him out right.
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Jim Halpert: I think it's great that the company's making a commercial. Because, not many people have heard of us. I mean when I tell people I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers. Or muffins. Or... mittens. And frankly all those sound better than paper so, I let it slide.
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Jim Halpert: Are you kidding?
Dwight Schrute: Well I'm not done yet.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, this, fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown them up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight Schrute: They match the carpet.
Jim Halpert: What is that? [points to Dwight's banner] "It is your birthday" period.
Dwight Schrute: It's a statement of fact.
Jim Halpert: Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight Schrute This is more professional! It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer!
Jim Halpert: I can't believe how bad this looks.
Dwight Schrute: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
Jim Halpert: Ok, good then.
Dwight Schrute: Have you collected the money from everyone?
Jim Halpert: I am working on it.
Dwight Schrute: How much do you have?
Jim Halpert: Six dollars.
Dwight Schrute: That's how much you and I contributed! Damn it Jim!
Jim Halpert: [to camera] I said I was working on it.
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Jim Halpert: So, as it turns out, I may not have done so hot on my customer reviews this year.
Pam Beesly: Maybe it's because you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist.
Jim Halpert: Little bit. Worth it.
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Michael Scott: Ho! Ho! Hooo! Contraption! She's contrapting...! Ok, you know what? I think that I should drive you guys to the hospital and here is why. I am a licensed, Class C driver in the state of Pennsylvania . I, gassed up the car--actually I put diesel in this time, trying to safe some money--
Jim Halpert: You shouldn't have done that.
Michael Scott: Happy to do it!
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Jim Halpert: Alright so I'll finish up on bulk pricing and then you go into delivery guarantee.
Pam Halpert: You know maybe there's an opportunity for a joke there. Like um, like, "I just delivered a baby. They didn't offer me a guarantee!"
Jim Halpert: Yeah or maybe we don't even need that.
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Michael Scott: Okay, everybody, I am out of here. Jim, you are in charge.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'll walk you out. [grabbing coat and bag]
Michael Scott: Ah, you are quite the gentleman. [outside] You can let people go a couple minutes early if you want.
Jim Halpert: Alright, we'll see. [to camera, as Michael walks away] No. I am off to New York. My brother Pete from Boston and my brother Tom from Jersey are taking Pam and I out for lunch, to celebrate the engagement. Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two.
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Andy: What're we doing? What's the game? I want in.
Jim Halpert: Oh there's no game, we're just trying to get these chips for Karen.
Andy: Did you check the vending machine?
Karen: Ohh the vending machine. How did we miss that?
Jim Halpert: I have no idea. We went right for the copier, and then we checked the fax machine.
Andy: Did you check, your butt?
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Ryan: [referring to Kelly] What did she say?
Jim Halpert: She said lots of things.
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Dwight Schrute: [looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke] Does anyone smell anything smoky?
Angela: Did you bring your jerky in again?
Dwight Schrute: [clears throat]
Pam Beesly: [points to smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God!
Phyllis: What--
Andy Bernard: Whoa, fire!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What's the procedure? What do we do, people?
Pam Beesly: The phones are dead.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, how did that happen?
Kevin: It's out in the hall.
Dwight Schrute: No, we don't know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct.
Michael Scott: Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm.
Dwight Schrute: What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?
Michael Scott: Stay [bleep] calm!
Dwight Schrute: Wait, wait, wait.
Michael Scott: Everyone, now [bleep] calm down!
Dwight Schrute: No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.
Michael Scott: What does warm mean?
Everyone: [groaning] Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: Not a viable option.
Pam Beesly: Try a different door.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, what's next?
Michael Scott: Don't run.
Dwight Schrute: Oh! Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle?
Andy Bernard: It-- it's warm.
Dwight Schrute: Well, uh, another option. [everyone chattering at once]
Jim Halpert: Back door.
Dwight Schrute: Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!
Phyllis: Oh! I forgot my purse.
Stanley: Leave it woman!
Michael Scott: Get out of the way! Go, go, go!
Dwight Schrute: Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can...
Oscar: Ah! My hand! That's hot!
Andy Bernard: Aah! This one's hot too!
Michael Scott: Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, let's go.
Everyone: [shouting] Out of my way! Let's go. Get out of my way!
Dwight Schrute: Calm, please.
Andy Bernard: Get out of the way!
Dwight Schrute: Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Andy Bernard: Move it!
Dwight Schrute: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha-- Use a what to cover the mouth?
Angela: [pulling cat out of filing drawer] It's okay. Shh shhh.
Dwight Schrute: A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that's the wrong way. We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people.
Angela: Oscar.
Dwight Schrute: What's next?
Angela: Oscar!
Oscar: Stay alive! I'm getting help!
Angela: Pull me up!
Oscar: You're too heavy!
Angela: I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh-- save Bandit! [throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side] Oh!
Dwight Schrute: How about 911? Anyone? 911.
[Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.]
Pam Beesly: What do we do?
Dwight Schrute: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on.
[everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping]
Angela: What is that? What is that?
Andy Bernard: The fire's shooting at us!
Phyllis: What in the name of God is going on?!
[Dwight pulls fire alarm]
Phyllis and Creed: Ahhhh!!! [Oscar's leg crashes through the ceiling]
Andy Bernard: Go, go, go, go, go!! [Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine]
Michael Scott: [throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!!
Stanley: I'm about to die!
Dwight Schrute: [blowing air horn] Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.
Jim Halpert: What?!
Dwight Schrute: Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. [Oscar drops down from the ceiling] So, what have we learned? [Stanley falls to the floor] Oh come on. It's not real Stanley. Don't have a heart attack.
Michael Scott: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth.
Jim Halpert: No, no, no! Don't give him mouth to mouth for this!
Michael Scott: He's going to swallow is tongue.
Jim Halpert: No. Michael. Michael.
Michael Scott: Open your mouth. Come on. Don't swallow it.
Jim Halpert: [everyone shouting at once] Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott: Leave me al--
Andy Bernard: You're choking him!
Michael Scott: Saving him!
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Dwight Schrute: Fact, I am older, I am wiser. Do not mess with me.
Jim Halpert: [staring at Dwight's forehead] Okay. Sounds good.
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: I don't know what you're talking about.
Diwght Schrute: Do I have sweat on my forehead?
Jim Halpert: No. Nothing.
Dwight Schrute: Why are you looking at my forehead?
Jim Halpert: I'm not.
Dwight Schrute: Meet my eyeline, Jim.
Jim Halpert: I am.
Dwight Schrute: Stop acting like an idiot.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
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