Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office

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Jim Halpert: Well, I'm not asking for a raise, I'm actually asking for a pay decrease.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?
Jim Halpert: Then I win.
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Michael Scott: [to Meredith] Everyone in this room loves you. But mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire, we are not going to help put you out.
Dwight Schrute: Ohhh as fire marshal I would have to.
Michael Scott: Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: She is a hazard to the other people of the office.
Michael Scott: [sighs]
Dwight Schrute: I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area.
Jim Halpert: Yeah you're going to need a permit for that.
Dwight Schrute: Oh right. That'll take a couple of weeks.
Creed: I could get you one in an hour.
Dwight Schrute: Really?
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Pam Beasley: [to Roy] Come on it'll be fun. And besides, I'm a roulette expert.
Dwight Schrute: Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.
Jim Halpert: I could always kind of win at roulette.
Dwight Schrute: Oh really. Mm-hmm, how would you do that?
Jim Halpert: Mind-control.
Dwight Schrute: Please, you can't be serious. Are you serious?
Jim Halpert: Ever since I was a little kid, like 8 or 9, I could sorta control things with my mind.
Dwight Schrute: I don't believe you. Continue.
Jim Halpert: It was just little things, you know? Like I could make some things shake or I could make a marble fall off a counter, you know just, little things.
Dwight Schrute: [scoffs] That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh, why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone, attention in the office please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I'll try.
[Pam moves coat rack with umbrella]
Dwight Schrute: Oh my God.
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Pam Beesly: Heading out?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Alright Beesly, Happy Valentine's Day.
Pam Beesly: Bye.
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Michael Scott: So? What have you been doing?
Jim Halpert: Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago?
Michael Scott: [chuckles] Yeah.
Jim Halpert: I have been getting ready and then driving over here.
Michael Scott: Well we've been doing pretty much the same thing...
Jim Halpert: Really.
Michael Scott: Except driving.
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Jim Halpert: I really, really think Michael is better at being a manager. For so many reasons.
Michael Scott: Mmmm no. I think I would be bad. I would, sleep, in my office. And I would sexually harass people.
Jim Halpert: Why would you do that.
Michael Scott: I'm turning myself in right now!
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Red Cross woman: Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of one hundred beats per minute.
Michael Scott: Ohhhkay that's, uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Jim Halpert: How's that going to help you?
Michael Scott: I'll divide and then count to it.
Jim Halpert: Right.
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Michael Scott: Oh my God, what happened?
Jim Halpert: We were robbed last night.
Dwight Schrute: Bravo, Watson. [to Michael] Looks like a classic seven man job. Ok, security tapes were stolen. Motives: Financial or possibly HP vintage computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out, and that's all we have.
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Jim Halpert: Can we not?
Michael Scott: No, yes we have to, know why? Because I don't like to be cooped up in that office, in that box, all day long. Heisman!
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Phyllis: Sorry I didn't know you guys were in here.
Jim Halpert: Ohh no, we're just sittin' here.
Phyllis: Couldn't see your hands.
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Jim Halpert: [under his breath] Sex. Steve Martin. Teri Hatcher.
Michael Scott: What?
Jim Halpert: What?
Michael Scott: What'd you say?
Jim Halpert: I didn't say anything, I was waiting to see what happened.
Michael Scott: It sounded interesting, what you were gonna...
Send "The Office Theme Song" Ringtone to your Cell
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Jim Halpert: What do you got going on tonight?
Michael Scott: You wouldn't understand. It's a secret.
Jim Halpert: I wouldn't understand or it's a secret?
Pam Beesly: You wouldn't understand, Jim. It's a secret.
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