Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office

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Michael Scott: You show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam, tell me a white person you trust.
Pam Beesly: My dad.
Michael Scott: Danny Glover. Yep.
Jim Halpert: Jonas Salk.
Michael Scott: Who?
Jim Halpert: Justin Timberlake.
Michael Scott: Oh, please. Colin Powell.
Karen: Hey, I got one.
Michael Scott: Yup.
Karen: Jesus.
Michael Scott: Apollo Creed.
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Michael Scott: Hey it's 12:20. Where the hell's Dwight?
Jim Halpert: Ummm... no idea.
Michael Scott: "Never missed a day", my ass.
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Jim Halpert [pacing nervously in the hallway] I know Pam better than anyone else in this office and obviously she's gone crazy but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy! But I'm not crazy! She's crazy! I'm not crazy! She's crazy! [sitting on the floor reading parenting books] 5 to 7 minutes, [next book] 5 to 7 minutes, [next book] 6 minutes, different but not really, [next book] 5 to 7 minutes [sighs]
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Dwight Schrute: Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time in now, check-out time is never.
Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute: Sorry we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a late check-out?
Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert: You're not the manager, even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner.. the co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight Schrute: But I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: Eighty thousand dollars.
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Michael Scott: There he is, there's the traitor. Traitor! Come here you. Come here. [hugs Jim] Aaagh! The prod-the prodigal...
Jim Halpert: What?
Michael Scott: ...my son returns...
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Jim Halpert [looks out window] Hey look everyone, It's snowing.
Dwight Schrute [pretend cute-kid voice] Omigod! It's the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate and cuddle up with papa and tell him all of your Christmas dreams? Hmm? [turns serious] It's not even real snow. Look, it's a dusting. Pitiful.
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Pam Beesly: Heading out?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Alright Beesly, Happy Valentine's Day.
Pam Beesly: Bye.
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Roy: Hey, Jimmy, what do you think about the purse girl?
Jim Halpert: Cute, sure, yeah.
Roy: Why don't you get on that?
Jim Halpert: She's not really my type.
Roy: What are you, gay?
Jim Halpert: Mmm. I don't think so. No.
Kevin: Well what is your type?
Jim Halpert: Moms, primarily. Yep, soccer moms, single moms, NASCAR moms, any type of mom really.
Roy: That's disgusting.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
Jim Halpert: Too late, Kev.
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[touring Dwight's daycare]
Dwight Schrute: Here is the language skills and cognitive development area. These are English, uh, letters. I see you found our magical toy box, Jim.
Jim Halpert: These are actually forks and knives from the break room.
Dwight Schrute: [chuckles] Jim. To you and me maybe, but come on. To a child's imagination that's Mr. Fork and Lieutenant Knife and Ms. Fork.
Pam Halpert: And a soy sauce packet.
Dwight Schrute: Oh. [picks it up] That shouldn't have been in there. I'm embarrassed.
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Jim Halpert: I gotta make an example out of him. Should I just fire him?
Pam Beesly: Can you actually fire people?
Jim Halpert: To be honest I don't know. But maybe I could just yell at him in front of people.
Pam Beesly: Well, I can't really imagine you yelling at anyone.
Jim Halpert: Oh I yell. You've heard me yell.
Pam Beesly: Oh okay. I've heard you exclaim? Like, the time you said, "Hey look! We parked over here!"
Jim Halpert: Well that was apple-picking day. There was no need to yell that day. You know I was just excited to find the car. Perfect end to a perfect day.
Pam Beesly: Well. You'll figure it out.
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Dwight Schrute: Okay fine... where's my wallet?
Jim Halpert: Oh there it is, 'J1'.
Dwight Schrute: I don't have any...
Jim Halpert: Here, have some nickels.
Dwight Schrute: [putting nickels into vending machine] 5, 10, 15, 20, 25--
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Jim Halpert: [to Dwight] God, this is so sad, this is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.
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