Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office
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| Jim Halpert: | Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean eventually, he'll figure it out. When their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just... awkward. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time in now, check-out time is never. |
| Jim Halpert: | Does my room have cable? |
| Dwight Schrute: | No. And the sheets are made of fire. |
| Jim Halpert: | Can I change rooms? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Sorry we're all booked up. Hell convention in town. |
| Jim Halpert: | Can I have a late check-out? |
| Dwight Schrute: | I'll have to talk to the manager. |
| Jim Halpert: | You're not the manager, even in your own fantasy? |
| Dwight Schrute: | I'm the owner.. the co-owner. With Satan! |
| Jim Halpert: | Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil. |
| Dwight Schrute: | But I haven't told you my salary yet. |
| Jim Halpert: | Go. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Eighty thousand dollars. |
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| Jim Halpert: | I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years. And eventually declare my love for her. |
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| Michael Scott: | You know there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5% to their paycheques and don't say anything about it. |
| Jim Halpert: | Do you mean like, break-in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll? |
| Michael Scott: | No we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim. |
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| Pam Beesley: | Do you think Michael and Jan actually,-- |
| Jim Halpert: | I don't really want to picture it. But thank you, Pam. |
| Pam Beesley: | How do you come back from that? |
| Jim Halpert: | Um, you don't. I don't think, come all the way back. You know, especially working together. |
| Pam Beesley: | No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from THAT? As a human being. |
| Jim Halpert: | Oh, yeah, no, I don't think you can. |
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| Michael Scott: | And then, I think I am going to go to the garlic festival. |
| Jim Halpert: | Wow. |
| Michael Scott: | Sounds like fun. You guys would love it. They have a TCBY booth! Same stuff you get downtown. Do you like TCBY? |
| Jim Halpert: | Who doesn't? |
| Michael Scott: | "I can't believe it's... I can't believe it's yogurt." |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Wait a minute! One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow it. |
| Jim Halpert: | [to Michael] Really? Nothing? |
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| Jim Halpert: | I guess he can't get any girl he wants. |
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| Jim Halpert: | Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets. |
| Michael Scott: | Mmm--well to be fair, Jim... James. Jimothy? [Jim nods] To be fair, Jimothy-- ah that sounds weird. Are you ok with being called Jim? |
| Jim Halpert: | I am. |
| Michael Scott: | Alright. Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets. At first we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets... and I think by the end we learned a little bit about how small we are. |
| Jim Halpert: | Yes, I agree, and-- |
| Michael Scott: | Because it's a big universe and we're all just little tiny specks, of dust. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | You gotta learn Jim, you are second in command but that does not put you above the law. |
| Jim Halpert: | Oh I understand. And I also have lots of questions. Like, what does a demerit mean? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Let's put it this way, you do not want to receive three of those. |
| Jim Halpert: | Lay it on me. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Three demerits and you'll receive a citation. |
| Jim Halpert: | Now, that sounds serious. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Oh it is serious. Five citations and you're looking at a violation. Four of those and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in world of hurt. In the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me, and placed on the desk of my immediate superior. |
| Jim Halpert: | Which would be me. |
| Dwight Schrute: | That is correct. |
| Jim Halpert: | Okay. I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disagulation. |
| Dwight Schrute: | What's a dis- What's that? |
| Jim Halpert: | Oh you don't wanna know. |
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| Jim Halpert: | Ok, ok. Why don't we just, put this to a vote and then we'll be done with it. |
| Angela: | I'm not voting. |
| Jim Halpert: | No one cares. Who thinks, that Hilary Swank is hot. Raise your hand. [5 people raise their hands] Ok, and who thinks that Hilary Swank is not hot, raise your hand. [5 other people raise their hands] |
| Kevin: | Five. Five to five. |
| Jim Halpert: | Thank you accounting department. |
| Kevin: | So what do we do now? |
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| Jim Halpert: | Mmm... I'd say one in six. |
| Pam Beesly: | What? |
| Jim Halpert: | Oh I thought you asked me what our chances were of being murdered here tonight. |
