Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office

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Gabe: I am prepared to conclude the investigation.
Andy: And?
Gabe: You did it.
Andy: Whhat? Based on what?
Gabe: [matter-of-factly] Uhh, just all the evidence. And, it really seems like it was you. [to the office] Can we all agree to say it was Andy for now, and sit with it, see how it feels.
[agreement from the office]
Jim Halpert: Guys I think that seems a little unfair. I mean I feel like we don't definitely know it was Andy.
Andy: Yeah! You know, for all we know it could've been... Jim!
Jim Halpert: Really?
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Dwight Schrute: Who's the father?
Pam Beesly: Jim.
Dwight Schrute: How far along?
Jim Halpert: Four months?
Creed: Who's the OB/GYN?
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Oscar Martinez: Hey, where's Dwight?
Jim Halpert: You didn't hear?
Creed Bratton: Decapitated. Whole big thing. We had a funeral for a bird.
Jim Halpert: I'm pretty sure none of that's real.
Creed Bratton: YOU'RE NOT REAL, MAN!
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[over the radio]
Dwight Schrute: We are in the stairwell. We are climbing some stairs. I am breathing heavily.
Jim Halpert: Okay you know what, you really don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.
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Jim Halpert: Hey, dude. Do you know what a rundown is?
Oscar: Use it in a sentence.
Jim Halpert: Uh... can you get this rundown for me?
Oscar: Try another sentence.
Jim Halpert: This rundown better be really good?
Oscar: I don't know but it sounds like the rundown's really important.
Jim Halpert: Charles asked me to do this rundown of all my clients.
Oscar: Why don't you just ask him, what--
Jim Halpert: No, I can't it was like hours ago.
Oscar: What have you been doing?!
Kevin: Try another sentence.
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Pam Beesley: Tell them what we saw today, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Oh today, we saw a junk yard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.
Pam Beesley: Nature.
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Michael Scott [reading] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." [flips to another paper] "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
Jim Halpert [cuts to camera] That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.
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Jim Halpert: I'm just saying that you can't be sure it wasn't you.
Dwight Shrute: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim Halpert: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight Shrute: I would remember.
Jim Halpert: Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?
Dwight Shrute: That's not how it works!
Jim Halpert: Now how do you know how it works?
Dwight Shrute: Knock it off, okay? I'm interviewing you!
Jim Halpert: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here! Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?
[Dwight looks shocked]
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Pam Beesly: It's getting kind of rowdy down there.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, 'Darryl! Darryl! Darryl!'
Pam Beesly: Sometimes I just don't get Roy... I mean I donno... so... what's it like dating a cheerleader?
Jim Halpert: Well... um.
[awkward silence]
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Jim Halpert: Dwight has been Acting Manager for three months now... Nope... A week. Just feels like three months. Let's see, we all have to punch into a time clock, which is very old, very strong, and has the slot the size of a finger. We were all given new business cards big enough to set us apart from the competition, which is how I learned that our titles are all now Junior Employee. Our lunch breaks are staggered to prevent wasting time. Mine's at 10:30. And I find that the first hour of the day goes by a lot quicker than the second seven hours.
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Oscar: Jim, did Michael fall into a koi pond?
Jim Halpert: Mmmmm... it's like Michael said, it was, um... some--something else.
Michael Scott: It was--okay!--this is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who put a fish tank in the ground with no cover, and no railing.
Angela: So you fell in.
Michael Scott: No, maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.
Angela: So a child had fallen in?
Michael Scott: Not yet!
Kevin: That is hilarious! [raises fist]
Michael Scott: No--don't--I'm not going to bump. I'm not gonna bump. It was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying.
[Stanley laughs]
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