Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office

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Jim Halpert: Hey Brenda, this is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well I was assuming you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so give me a call back. You can get my number from said directory. Um... or just check your email 'cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh, give me a call back. I hope. I'll talk to you later, bye.
Kelly: You just asked a girl out on the phone!
Jim Halpert: Yep...
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Pam Beesly: You see Dwight's coffee mug?
Jim Halpert: Uh-huh.
Pam Beesly: Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it.
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Oscar: So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley impression. I'd love to hear it.
Jim Halpert: Oh, um. [imitating Stanley] Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?
Stanley: [coming out of the bathroom] Is that supposed to be me?
Jim Halpert: Oh, hey Stanley. I was just doing an impression.
Stanley: I do not think that is funny.
Pam Beasley: He does everyone in the office.
[Stanley leaves]
Jim and Pam: [both imitating Stanley] I do not think that is funny.
Pam Beasley: Jinx, buy me a Coke.
Jim Halpert: Oh--
Pam Beasley: No no no. No talking.
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Dwight Schrute: Hardy har har. Alright, picture this: snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A rabid pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies. There's only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound. You beg. "Dwight! Please let me in!" But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You wanna know why?
Jim Halpert: Because of the sign that says no pounding, no begging.
Dwight Schrute: No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a Warlord's gesture. Meredith will do okay. Be assured this day will come, it's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months.
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Oscar: We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas.
Toby: Sorry guys but I don't think I tipped him for last year's.
Angela: No neither did I.
Phyllis: Jim was supposed to collect it.
Jim Halpert: [long awkward pause] Yep.
Kevin: Way to go man.
Kelly: Now he's never gonna come.
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Dwight Schrute: Oh, here's one: a string quartet, playing classy-cal music. [Jim grimaces]
Michael Scott: [watches Jim grimace, copies him] You know, that's good but it's not classy. I-I need something classy like the opening of a car dealership.
Jim Halpert: That's it. Or Mr. Peanut.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Mr. Peanut is not classy.
Michael Scott: He is.
Dwight Schrute: He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat.
Michael Scott: That's what makes him classy.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, how about this? An ice sculpture, shaped like you, covered in chocolate-covered strawberries.
Jim Halpert: Oh Dwight, you're trying too hard, and that's just not classy. You see, the thing about classy is it's a state of mind.
Dwight Schrute: Well, I'm sorry, I just don't know what classy is then.
Jim Halpert: Okay, well let's just try this one on for size. And I apologize because it's right off the top of my head: an ice sculpture. Of you. Completely surrounded by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits.
Michael Scott: Strawberries?
Jim Halpert: That's inspired.
Dwight Schrute: I said that! [storms out, slams door behind him]
Pam Beesly: Not classy.
Michael Scott: Not classy at all.
Jim Halpert: De classé.
Michael Scott: French. Classy.
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Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief. Since, apparently, it doesn't exist, I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert: Whoa, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam Beasley: No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael Scott: No, humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistanannis.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No, no. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.
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Jim Halpert: Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela but then she was sleeping with Dwight for... several years. Wait, no that's can't be right.
Pam Beesly: The timeline's messy.
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Jim Halpert: Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods?
Phyllis: Ah if they don't have an iPod by now they really don't want one.
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Dwight Schrute: Uh, knock please. Please knock. This is an office.
Jim Halpert: [points to sign] It says 'workspace'.
Dwight Schrute: Same thing.
Jim Halpert: If it's the same thing then why'd you write 'workspace'?
Dwight Schrute: [pauses] Just knock, please. Okay? A sign of respect for a superior.
Jim Halpert: You are not my superior.
Dwight Schrute: Oh gee, then why do I have an office?
Jim Halpert: I thought it was a workspace.
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Michael Scott: Everybody in here stat. No time to lose. CRIMAN Squa F and C double time.
Dwight Schrute: CRIMAN Squa?
Michael Scott: Crisis management squad.
Ryan: F and C, double time?
Michael Scott: Front and center, twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
Jim Halpert: One more. Why are you talking like that?
Michael Scott: To save time, Jim.
Send "The Office Theme Song" Ringtone to your Cell
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Pam Beesly: Guess who just got into the Pratt school of Design.
Jim Halpert: No way. What did I say? I said that they'd love those sketches. [hugging Pam] Congratulations!
Pam Beesly: Oh thank you! I don't know what you doubted it because I'm so clearly awesome.
Jim Halpert: Yes. When do you start?
Pam Beesly: I don't know I didn't read it carefully. I just saw congratulations and I skimmed the list and I saw my name and I came in here to tell you and get a snack.
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