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The Office Quotes (NBC) | Season 3 - Safety Training

The Office Season 3 Quotes - Safety Training

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46
likes
Dwight Schrute: Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office has made me depressed.
Dwight Schrute: Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling, 'bummed down?'
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut!
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36
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Dwight Schrute: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim Halpert: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, tell him that that's not true.
Jim Halpert: Dwight says that he doesn't actually know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. No. Jim tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!
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23
likes
Dwight Schrute: I'm temporarily lifting the shun.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: It means nothing. I want you to do something for me.
Andy: Anything.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house and/or castle.
Andy: You mean a moon bounce.
Dwight Schrute: What do you think. You've got an hour.
Andy: I'm gonna need petty cash.
Dwight Schrute: Shunning resumed.
Andy: Do you want a draw bridge?
Dwight: Un-shun. Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.
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21
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Michael Scott: An office is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? [pause] I really can't say, but yes.
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19
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Darryl: We do safety training every year or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...
Michael Scott: ...Hey Darryl! How's it hanging? [laughing]
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18
likes
Kevin: [regarding bet about Kelly] Ryan, well done, two minutes forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said 'awesome' twelve times. And Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
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17
likes
Dwight Schrute: Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.
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17
likes
Dwight Schrute: [referring to Michael] I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die.
Stanley: Is it nice outside?
Dwight Schrute: It's gorgeous. Let's go.
Stanley: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight Schrute: No really. It's very nice. C'mon!
Ryan: Will I be to warm in a long sleeve T?
Dwight Schrute: Everyone's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing. C'mon! Let's go!
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17
likes
Dwight Schrute: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim Halpert: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, tell him that that's not true.
Jim Halpert: Dwight says that he doesn't actually know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. No. Jim tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!
Jim Halpert: Andy... No, it's too far.
Dwight Shrute: Damn you.
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16
likes
Jim Halpert: He's gonna kill himself, pretending to kill himself.
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15
likes
Michael Scott: [regarding watermelon hitting car] Deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess, find out whose car that is. If its Stanley's, call the offices of James P. L. Beeny. See if he handles hate crimes.
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14
likes
Darryl: This is the forklift. You need a licence to operate this machine. This means that the upstairs office workers can't drive it. Quiz. Mike. Should you drive the forklift?
Michael Scott: I can and I have--
Darryl: No, no, no, no. I said should you. You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift.
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13
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Kevin: If someone gives you ten thousand to one on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an oscar, I'm going to be a very rich dude.
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12
likes
Michael Scott: You may be asking yourself, 'what am i doing on a trampoline?' Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress and then move on with my day... Not! Here's the plan: Dwight is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys and we're going to have another safety seminar, only this time, where's Michael? Oh my God, he is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I tell them about the cold, hard facts of depression and then I say, 'hey, you've ever seen a suicide?'. And I jump and they freak out and they get to see the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note, they might think 'hey, I should have been nicer to Michael', but that's not why I'm doing this. Then I land on the trampoline and take a couple extra bounces for fun, I climb off, walk around the corner, ta-freaking-da.
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11
likes
Michael Scott: They used props, they used visual aids and they just made us look like dopes.
Dwight Schrute: Idiots! God, what are we going to do?!
Michael Scott: I don't know. I dunno! Because you know what our killer is? Depressi--
Dwight Schrute: --Wolves.
Michael Scott: Depression.
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11
likes
Jim Halpert: Well, you know, the first performance was a lil off, but I really think they hit their stride in the second show. Um, might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee.
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10
likes
Dwight Schrute: [to Michael] When you land, try and land like an eight year old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.
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9
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[during safety training]
Toby: One thing you're going to want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome, so it's recommanded that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, um, you're gonna wanna get up out of your chairs and move around about ten minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Yes. Good. Fine. Like stretching.
Toby: Um, yeah. Your computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so it's also recommanded that you step away for about 10 minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Wow. That time really adds up. Like a half an hour every hour?
Darry: Take them at the same time!
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8
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Michael Scott: Pam? Depression is as scary as a bailer, right?
Pam Beesly: I don't understand the question.
Michael Scott: Working in an office can lead to depression which can lead to suicide. I mean, this is really serious stuff.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Nobody commits suicide because they work with a bailer.
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7
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Michael Scott: Okay. You know what, you're making it sound kinda lame, so skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?
Toby: No. No... Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardingan of some sort in case it gets drafty.
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7
likes
[during safety training]
Michael Scott: Seasonal Defective Disorder. A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability brought on by the low light of winter.
Darryl: Thank God we only had a bailer to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah. That dim light is a bitch, ain't it?
Michael Scott: Okay, guys, you know what. I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation.
Darryl: Actually you did.
Michael Scott: Yes. Okay.
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7
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Michael Scott: Darryl thinks he's such a man because he works in a warehouse. Well big deal. I worked in a warehouse. Men's Warehouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make them feel like wimps. Not me, I- 'Hello. I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Warehouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.' That is just one example.
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6
likes
[determining how to demonstrate depression]
Dwight Schrute: Visual aids.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: A quilt. A depression quilt.
Michael Scott: No time to sew a quilt.
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6
likes
Michael Scott: I don't know if I want to do this.
Dwight Schrute: You wanna do another test? I've got plenty of watermelons in my trunk.
Michael Scott: No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing them, I'm not gonna want to jump. This is about doing, not thinking.
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5
likes
Andy: Good morning, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Oh, welcome back, Andy.
Andy: Drew. I'm Drew now.
Pam Beesly: Oh. Drew. Sorry.
Andy: Appology not accepted. [pause] Because it wasn't even necessary in the first place.
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5
likes
Andy: Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. [flash back to punching wall] But after five weeks in anger management, I'm back. And I've got a new attitude and a new name. And a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the 'grumpies'.
5 Comments in the Conference Room
Quotes from  Michael Scott  Dwight Schrute  Creed Bratton  Pam  Random Quotes from All Seasons

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