The Office Season 3 Quotes - The Convict

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Jim Halpert: What'd you do, Prison Mike?
Michael Scott: I stole... and I robbed... and I kidnapped the president's son... and held him for ransom.
Jim Halpert: That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.
Michael Scott: And I never got caught neither.
Jim Halpert: Well, you were in prison, but umhmm.
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Creed: Baby. You want to play with this?
Karen: You can't give paper clips to a baby. He could swallow it.
Creed: Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of them.
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Dwight Schrute: Prison Mike, what's the very very worst thing about prison?
Angela: Don't encourage him, Dwight.
Michael Scott: The worst thing about prison was the... was the dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul out of your body. And it hurt!
Karen: Dementors like in Harry Potter?
Michael Scott: No, not Harry Potter.
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Michael Scott: I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist.
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Michael Scott: Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like. [puts on bandana] I'm prison Mike. You know why they call me prison Mike?
Angela: Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?
Michael Scott: Do you really expect me not to push you up against the wall, bioch?
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Michael Scott: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special. Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, 'yo that's shizzle'. Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well shame on you.
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Kevin: I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for because it sounds an awful lot like what I do here everyday.
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Michael Scott: Hannah?... Andy?...
Kevin: Martin?
Michael Scott: You're such a racist.
Kevin: Wait. Why am I a racist?
Michael Scott: Because you think he's black.
Kevin: He is black... right?
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Jim Halpert: [answers phone] Jim Halpert.
Andy: I am so horny.
Jim Halpert: Okay. I can't help you with that.
Andy: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.
Jim Halpert: She is dating Ryan, I think.
Andy: Oh, and I care why?
Jim Halpert: She high-maintenance.
Andy: Next. How about... Angela? Blondes are more fun. C'mon trust me on that.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, trust me. That would be fun for no one.
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Michael Scott: [referring to Hannah's baby] Oh, wow. Look at that. How cute.
Hannah: Thank you.
Michael Scott: May I?
Hannah: Oh sure.
Michael Scott: [crawls under desk] Hey! Look at me! I'm a baby. I'm one of those babies from 'Look Who's Talking'. What am I thinking? Look at all the staplers. What's a stapler? I don't even know. I'm a baby. Hey mom! I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty mama. I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from... Breasts!
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Michael Scott: Why did the convict have to be a black guy. It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake.
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Michael Scott: You show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam, tell me a white person you trust.
Pam Beesly: My dad.
Michael Scott: Danny Glover. Yep.
Jim Halpert: Jonas Salk.
Michael Scott: Who?
Jim Halpert: Justin Timberlake.
Michael Scott: Oh, please. Colin Powell.
Karen: Hey, I got one.
Michael Scott: Yup.
Karen: Jesus.
Michael Scott: Apollo Creed.
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Andy: Pama-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There's no getting around it. So, I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos, maybe even toss a disc around. Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?
Pam Beesly: Wow... I--
Andy: Shhh. Think about it. I'll hit you back.
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Pam Beesly: What was the food like in prison?
Michael Scott: Gruel sandwiches, gruel omelettes, nothing but gruel. Plus you can eat your own hair.
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Pam Beesly: Aww, she's absolutely adorable.
Hannah: He.
Pam Beesly: Oh sorry. He's- he's dressed all in pink.
Hannah: That's his favorite color.
Pam Beesly: Oh. That's... fun for him.
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Jim Halpert: Oh. Andy. I thought of one last tact you can take with Pam.
Andy: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Quick question - do you play the guitar?
Andy: I play the banjo.
Jim Halpert: Hold on, let me think about that, yes, that'll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?
Andy: [sings in falsetto] You know I can, my man.
Jim Halpert: Yup. That's perfect.
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Dwight Schrute: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.
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Angela: Sure. Let's protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90 pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that.
Michael Scott: Good.
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Michael Scott: Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford, to the convict, to my friend, back to a convict, then to kind of a nuissance actually, if we can be completely honest. And finally to a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.
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Michael Scott: These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American dream. And they would rather be in the hole.
5 Comments in the Conference Room
Quotes from  Michael Scott  Dwight Schrute  Creed Bratton  Pam  Random Quotes from All Seasons