What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier; it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I love the cold. Thirty years later I get a postcard. I have a son. And he's the Chief of Police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
I tried. I tried! I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend... But that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream 2. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy... And then, the murderer comes back. Starts killing off all of her friends. Learned a lot of lessons from that movie. This is just one of them.
Today's a big day. Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us... without telling her. But it's my parent's house. The house I grew up in. And, yeah I bought it kind of impulsively. I mean the price was good, I was helping out my mom... Its got shag carpets. I mean you can't blame my parents it was the seventies. Why would you wanna buy ugly wood from trees... when you could have paneling. And a painting of some creepy clowns, that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building. She's gonna love it! [long pause] Right?
It's not fair to you. And it's really not fair to me.
What are you saying? I broke up with Darryl so I could be with you.
That was your choice. Don't put that on me. I'm just going on a little trip.
Oh can I come?
It's not that kind of trip. I'm going to Thailand with some friends from high school. Well, a high school. And if I don't do it now I'll never get to go. And I'll always resent you for it. You don't want me to resent you do you?
So you're dumping me?
Let's me adults about this. Let's have sex one more time, and if you have any extra cash that would be amazing.
So if you can believe it, I did it without a Realtor. So saving on closing costs is good. And, uh, we can put all the money to de-shag the carpet. [clears throat] Which I think will help... with the color situation. [joins Pam looking at the creepy clown art] Yeah. I am really sorry about this. I tried to move it but, she is really nailed in there. Worried about art theft I guess. A lot of art thieves in this neighborhood. [Pam moves onto another bedroom] This is the master bedroom, but [closes door] I'm not actually allowed in here, so.
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