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Jan: Why is this so hard?
[pause] That's what she said. Oh my God, what am I saying.
Michael Scott: Alright. Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the.. worm.
Jim Halpert: Another worm, like, are they friends?
[in a straight jacket] I cannot tell you how I plan to escape, other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Seperately on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small, brass key...
Dwight Schrute: What's the square footage?
David Wallace: About five thousand.
Dwight Schrute: Does that include the garage?
Michael Scott: Dwight, wow, that's, not appropriate.
Dwight Schrute: I'm just-- it's a common question.
Michael Scott: David, how much did this house cost?
Pam Beesly: I have decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm gonna start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, 'cuz 'ol Pamy is gettin' what she wants. And, don't call me Pamy.
Teenager in bar: Hey Creed.
Creed: Heyyy, what are you guys up to?
Teenager: You're the man buddy.
[cut to interview]
Creed: I run a small fake-ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swipped from the sherrif's station.
Dwight Schrute: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
Dwight Schrute: 'No.' Then you are an idiot.
Jim Halpert: You stay here and have fun, 'cuz I'm gonna go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.
[smiling] Okay. [Jim starts to walk away] Oh, um, don't mention that you and I are dating, 'cuz I think he might still have feelings for me.
Jim Halpert: Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here?
[Karen starts to laugh]
Jim Halpert: Wow. Okay. You got me.
Karen: I so got you.
Jim Halpert: So, none of them?
Karen: Of course not. I mean, you're, kind of like, my first.
Jim Halpert: Really?
Karen: Oh my God it's so easy it's not even fun.
Jim Halpert: Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason so let me think here. Um. I don't know any of these people, it's an obligation, I don't think talking paper in my free time (or in my work time,) and, did I use the word pointless?
Michael Scott: Actually, it's polite to arrive early, and smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto, show up early, become a really good friend.
Jan: Do you remember Michael Scott, from Scranton branch?
David Wallace: Of course I do. How are you, Michael?
Michael Scott: Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud.
Dwight Schrute: The chimney's in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space, and some structual flaws in the foundation, so, all-in-all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.
Michael Scott: Oh, potatoe salad.
Dwight Schrute: It's from both of us.
Michael Scott: No it's not.
Hostess: Let see where we can put this...
Michael Scott: Oh, you know what you probably wanna leave the cover on until the guests get here.
[cut to interview]
Michael Scott: It's been sitting in my car, all day, with the sun beating down on the mayonaise. Just, you never know.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.
Guest: So the merger go smoothly, or?
Michael Scott: It did. Like buttah'. Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of 'em!
Karen: I'm the only one left. Everybody else was either fired or quit. And there's one in anger management.
David Wallace: What's with Jan and Michael?
Jim Halpert: I donno. Where to begin...
Dwight Schrute: Why would the architect design stairs this wide? Was there an obese family in here before you?
Rachel Wallace: I don't know. I'm sure the architect passed away many years ago. So...
Dwight Schrute: How convenient.
Dwight Schrute: I'd love to, uh, take a look around.
David Wallace's wife: I'll show you around, sure.
Dwight Schrute: Cool. Let's start with the bannisters.
Roy: I am gonna kill Jim Halpert.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks for inviting me along.
Michael Scott: Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought-- Wait should you be going?
David Wallace's wife: Did you get a chance to try Michael's homemade potato salad?
[cut to interview]
Michael Scott: Rachel thinks I brought homemade potato salad, and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny, I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonaise. There's something wrong with Jan.
Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What’s the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. What’s the downside? I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse on myself like a dying star.
[deleted scene from Poor Richards]
[Stanely's daughter enters as Ryan is leaving] Hi Ryan.
Stanley's daughter: How are you doing? I've...I've missed you.
Ryan: I've missed you too.
Stanley's daughter: Don't you remember me?
Ryan: Umm, you... you gotta give me a hand... Umm, did i meet you at the gym?
Stanley's daughter: No.
[In background] Who the hell is Ryan talking to?
Ryan: Are you a client of Dunder Mifflin?
[slowly turns around] Oh not again, [stands up] Melissa!
Stanley's daughter: Daddy.
[yelling] Wait for me outside.
Ryan: Oh god.
[Ryan backs away]
[Follows Ryan] She is 16 years old! What is wrong with you?
Ryan: Let me explain what...
Stanley: No, no, no
Ryan: She came right up to me, just like she did when you brought her to work...
Stanley: No, no, no, no
Karen: Hey, Jan.
Jan: Not too good.
Hostess: Can I get anyone anything?
Michael Scott: I could go for an appe-teaser. Yep, Bagel Bites or something.