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The Office Quotes (NBC) | Season 5 - The Duel

The Office Season 5 Quotes - The Duel

  • Quotes
  • Conference Room (19 Comments)
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42
likes
Dwight Schrute: Rule 17: Don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. [starts singing a nursery rhyme] Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don't you'll be eaten in your sleep!
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28
likes
Jim Halpert: Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean eventually, he'll figure it out. When their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just... awkward.
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26
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Angela: Kevin! You screwed this form up again. The amount owed goes at the top.
Kevin: Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would've admitted it and stopped right away--
Angela: That's enough.
Kevin: Because I wouldn't an innocent person who doesn't know anything about the form-- [stops after Angela puts on headphones and looks over at Oscar] What?
Oscar: That was good. It's just at the end you weren't saying something that could also apply to the form.
Kevin: How about, I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form.
Oscar: There you go.
[Oscar and Kevin pound fists]
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26
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David Wallace: Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling but your, branch, is reporting strong numbers. Look you're not our most traditional guy but clearly something you are doing is right and I just, I need to get a sense of what that is.
Michael Scott: David here it is. My, philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who or who you are with, or or where you are going, or, or where you've been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever.
Michael Scott: [cut to talking head] Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.
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23
likes
Michael Scott: Did you ever have intercourse in this office?
[Dwight says nothing]
Oscar: Are you serious? [scoffs disgustedly] Where?
[Dwight stares at Oscar]
Oscar: [aggressively] Where?
[Dwight continues to stare]
Oscar: [now grimacing] Where Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: It seems like you already know where.
[Oscar silently covers his mouth]
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23
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Pam Beesly: Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building. So the police put up a radar gun. It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard.
Dwight Schrute: [running] AHHHHH!!!
Phylis: Wow! Thirteen! [breaking Michael's previous record of 12]
Michael Scott: No, no. There was wind.
Dwight Schrute: I was just jogging.
Michael Scott: Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over.
Jim Halpert: No. It's not your turn. Okay, thirteen is the new number. Oscar go ahead. [Oscar is preparing to run]
Michael Scott I want another try. Here we go. [Michael starts running just as a car drives by] Thirty-one! Thirty-one!
Stanley: That was the car.
Michael Scott: I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number.
Oscar: Thirty-one is humanly impossible.
Michael Scott: Go, Oscar. Thirty-one is my new number.
Oscar: That's impossible.
Michael Scott: Beat it!
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17
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Meredith: I've had two men fight over me before. Usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder.
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15
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Dwight Schrute: So, what weapon?
Andy: My bare hands.
Dwight Schrute: That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.
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15
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Andy: I'm telling you to back down.
Dwight Schrute: And I'm telling you that I will never back down.
Andy: Then I'll make you.
Dwight Schrute: Oh really? How are you gonna do that?
Andy: Through the use of force.
Dwight Schrute: That is very general, and does not scare me in the slightest.
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14
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Michael Scott: So I was in the office. And I look over, to our accounting division and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing, a jacket that I've never seen before. And, I call over to Kevin, "Kevin! Is that a tweed jacket." And he looks at me and he says Michael yes it is a tweed jacket. And I look back at him and I say, "I feel the NEED! The need for tweed."
David Wallace: It's hard to try to evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying. [standing up] And thanks for coming in!
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you. [stands up to shake David's hand] I have to say I am so impressed with the potential you see in me. [sits back down to finish his food as David opens the door for Michael]
David Wallace: [pauses for a moment] Yeah. Finish it. [sits back down]
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14
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Dwight Schrute: "From the desk of Andrew Bernard." [scoffs] A note! Pathetic. "Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note, how are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It has come to my attention that any physical match with you I would surely be bested." True. "The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my underbelly."
Kelly: [watching Dwight outside from inside the conference room] There's Andy! He's in his car. You guys what is he doing?
Phyllis: Why isn't Dwight turning around?
Oscar: The Prius is silent if he keeps it under 5 miles per hour. He deserves the win.
[Pam and Stanley enter the conference room]
Pam Beesly: Oh my God!
Stanley: What's happening?
Phyllis: Andy's running over Dwight with his car.
[collective scream from the office]
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13
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Andy: Is it true?
Angela: What have you heard?
Andy: That you're sleeping with Dwight.
Angela: That doesn't sound like me.
Andy: Is it true.
Angela: Andy, I'm engaged to you. I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers. Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn't want to get married? And, we went through all that stuff with our wedding cake--
Andy: Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight?
Angela: A little bit.
Andy: How long has it been going on?
Angela: I don't know! I mean, we were together and then he killed Sprinkles and then we stopped-- I don't know exactly, when we started up again.
Andy: Who else knows about it?
Angela: Michael.
Andy: Who else?
Angela: [sighs] Let me think about it... I, um...
[Andy turns around to see the whole office staring through the conference room windows]
Andy: Oh God. [to everyone watching] Come on!
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13
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Angela: Standard! You know, nothing fancy.
Andy: So like, missionary...
Angela: I said nothing fancy.
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13
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Andy: [coming out of the conference room with Angela] Where's Dwight?
Jim Halpert: You okay man?
Andy: No. Not at all. Actually. But thanks for asking, appreciate it. You know what, I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying, to m'ah face! And not telling me what's been going on this entire time.
Creed: [with open arms] You're welcome.
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12
likes
[as Andy has Dwight pinned with his car]
Andy: You give up?
Dwight Schrute: Never!! Get out and face me like a man!
Andy: I am a man! I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be! I will never sleep with another man's fiancee!
Dwight Schrute: You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy! And sing! Lalalalalala! What does that mean! You can't even protect her!
Andy: Protect her from what! Bears! You idiot! When's the last time you saw a bear in Scranton!
Dwight Schrute: Last year, idiot!
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11
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Jim Halpert: So I either get more involved or I take a sick day. Leaving Dwight in charge. Oh God.
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11
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Angela: I can't believe they're going to fight over me.
Kelly: I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.
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10
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Michael Scott: Ohhhh. I do not have much time... car's all the way over there... to tell you what I have to tell you, and just bear in mind that when, I say, say these things, that, are bad things, that you hear, in your ears... This is something that I, if I were you, I wouldn't want to hear--
Andy: You're not making any sense.
Michael Scott: Well, no I'm not. So I'm, I'm not very articulate today so I'll just leave it for another time. Another day.
Andy: Alrighty.
Michael Scott: Which will be fine. [getting into his car] I am off!
Andy: Have a good meeting!
Michael Scott: Thank you! [closes car door]
Andy: Kick Wallace's ass!
Michael Scott: [through the car window] Ok, I will! [starts engine] Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so.
Andy: I can't hear you! Through the glass.
Michael Scott: Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They've been sleeping with each other for some time. That was the news. Just wanted to let you know. [starts reversing out of his parking spot] Alright! See ya later.
Andy: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: Yep! [drives off]
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10
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Andy: You like a big-- you're like a Sasquatch, you live in a--
Dwight Schrute: Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet so fine call me a Sasquatch!
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9
likes
Dwight Schrute: Angela said she's going to tell him she's just not ready.
Michael Scott: When will she be ready?
Dwight Schrute: I don't know.
Michael Scott: Is she crazy in bed?
Dwight Schrute: Yesss.
Jim Halpert: Stop. What?--
Michael Scott: How so, specifically?
Jim Halpert: This shouldn't happen at work--
Dwight Schrute: Eager. And flexible.
Michael Scott: Really.
Jim Halpert: And! This shouldn't be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact, that that man has an anger issue.
Michael Scott: Too late.
Jim Halpert: Well it's not too late cause you haven't done anything.
Michael Scott: I am already walking.
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9
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Meredith: I knew something bad was gonna happen today.
Oscar: You said that yesterday.
Meredith: Yeah, my neighbor got murdered.
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9
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Pam Beesly: Angela you have to put a stop to this right now!
Angela: [long thoughtful pause] I will respect the results of the duel.
Pam Beesly: Of course you will.
Meredith: I call loser!
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7
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Meredith: Hey, has anything happened yet?
Oscar: It's 4:10. I don't think he's gonna show.
Kevin: Oh, come on man! Believe in something.
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6
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[at Jim and Dwight's desks]
Michael Scott: Well?
Dwight Schrute: Not yet.
Jim Halpert: When?
Andy: When what? [Michael clears his throat] When what?
Michael Scott: You know this can't go on.
Andy: What can't go on?
Michael Scott: We have to put an end to this. [nods Dwight and Jim into his office]
Andy: [as they're walking away] It seems like, you guys should.. be hearing what I'm saying.
[Michael's office door closes]
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5
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David Wallace: Here's the thing. Michael is doing something right and in this economic climate no method of success can be ignored. It's not really the time for executives to start getting judgmental now. It's hail Mary time.
Michael Scott: [Michael peeks his head into the office] Hey. What's say we order up some pasta.
David Wallace: ... What's say we do.
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5
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Andy: I don't get it! How could she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Andy: What!
Dwight Schrute: She's sleeping with you?
Andy: I'm her fiancee.
Dwight Schrute: [crushed] She said she was only sleeping with me.
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4
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Pam Beesly: [at Reception] Quick announcement! New year, new candy!
Kevin: [walking over] Woo woo!
Pam Beesly: Ok be careful, Kevin. They're kind of spicy.
Kevin: Hot tomales.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Kevin: Uh oh.
Pam Beesly: So maybe you should just try ONE at first and if it's ok have a couple more.
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2
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[Michael walks into the break room where the rest of the office is]
Michael Scott: [sighs] How can he still not know?
Jim Halpert: We can't figure that out.
Michael Scott: I can't take it anymore.
Dwight Schrute: Wait. What? You can't take what?
Michael Scott: I am telling Andy.
Dwight Schrute: Noo. You can't do that. It shouldn't come from you.
Michael Scott: Who should it come from then.
Everyone: Angela.
19 Comments in the Conference Room
Quotes from  Michael Scott  Dwight Schrute  Creed Bratton  Pam  Random Quotes from All Seasons

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