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Dwight Schrute: R is among one of the most menacing sounds. That's why they call it murder not "muckduck!"
Michael Scott: I will have the spaghetti. With a side salad.
Michael Scott: If the salad is on top, I send it back.
Michael Scott: Erin. Coffee.
Michael Scott: Not from the kitchen. Stop & Shop. If it's not Stop & Shop I send it back. Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra-large I send it back.
Erin: How do you return coffee?
Michael Scott: Go.
Kevin: I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar, I'm not like you.
Oscar: What's that supposed to mean?
Kevin: Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would LOVE jail.
Oscar: Why would I love jail.
[thinks for a second] you would love it. [smiles at camera]
Michael Scott: Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is.
Erin: In your schedule it just says nine 'till noon is creative space. I thought this could be a part of it.
Michael Scott: Do you know how creative space works? Ok why don't you just cancel my afternoon.
Erin: You don't have anything in the afternoon it just says free plate.
Michael Scott: Push free plate 'till tomorrow morning.
Michael Scott: What topics, can you use for small talk?
Andy: Golf, stock market, Dave Matthews--
Michael Scott: Yes, what else?
Creed: Small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes.
Michael Scott: No.
Meredith: The weekend.
Michael Scott: Yeah! That's good! Come on up, Meredith. Come up here. Let's do a little something.
[Meredith gets to the front] So Meredith and I just started conversing, and I will say, "so Meredith, how was your weekend? What did you do?"
Meredith: Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper-part of the toilet... he calls it an "upper decker."
Michael Scott: Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You've seen how the sausage gets made, come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.
Michael Scott: What you people don't know, about business I could fill a book with.
Ryan Howard: Then do it.
Michael Scott: What.
Ryan Howard: Write a book.
[cuts to Michael in his office speaking into a tape recorder]
Michael Scott: The Fundamentals of Business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible. I'm not surprised. Chapter one.
[pause] The business man-- (longer pause]
Michael Scott: There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.
Oscar: Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between "sane" and "others." Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The coalition for reason is extremely weak.
[Andy meets Michael and Dwight, dressed as a mechanic named Pat]
Michael Scott: What are you wearing. Who's Pat?
Andy: If I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion. And I had to justify it somehow, so... I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.
Dwight Schrute: Do you know how to use it?
Andy: To change tires, no. But, it's metal, I could hit somebody with it.
Michael Scott: Let's go, come on.
[they start walking to the restaurant]
[under his breath] God...
Andy: Should I change?
Michael Scott: Forget it!
Dwight Schrute: You're wearing loafers.
Michael Scott: Forget it!
[Jim's phone rings while Kevin is alone in his office]
Operator: Mr. Halpert? I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card.
Kevin: Oh man do you think it was stolen?
Operator: Sir could you mind verifying your home address?
Kevin: Um, yes, um...
[picks up an envelope] Three eight three Linden Ave., Scranton, PA.
Operator: And may I have the last four digits of your social security?
Kevin: Six six five zero.
Operator: Well Mr. Halpert, you're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico.
Kevin: Wait a minute, yes I am--
Operator: We're going to go ahead and put a hold on your card.
Kevin: No-- that-- I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.
Operator: Very funny sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away.
Operator: Have a nice day and thank you!
Kevin: ... Shoot.
[after short-circuiting the car]
Andy: You got a leaky spark tube.
Andy: So your car's totalled. Uh. You should probably wanna get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it he's great but uh, I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles.
[stammers then walks away]
Kevin: Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office, to fart in. Then one day, I came in, and I just stayed. 'Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.
Waitress: And for you sir?
Michael Scott: I will have the gabagool.
Waitress: The-- what?
Michael Scott: The gabagool.
Waitress: I don't really know what that is.
Andy: You know, gabagoo.
Waitress: I don't-- I don't. I don't have to have that.
Dwight Schrute: What he's trying to say is gaba-gool.
Waitress: I don't think we have that.
[shouting] Bring in the gabagool!
Michael Scott: If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se but I would just get really quiet all of a sudden.
Michael Scott: Ok too many different words from coming at me from too many different sentences.
Waitress: Have you decided?
Mr. Grotti I'll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side I will send it back. I want garlic bread. Toasted. Not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.
[impersonating a mechanic and trying to jumpstart a car]
Andy: Black goes on the red... with the-- if we-- positive. It-- your motor drive is probably.. down.
Child: He seems bad at this.
Andy: You wanna do this junior!? I didn't think so. Sorry. Just had a terribly long day at the mechanic store.
Andy: What do you think?
Dwight Schrute: I think you're right. Definitely looks suspicious. And his Southern Italian heritage raises some flags.
[Andy and Dwight approach Michael after his impromptu meeting with a salesman]
Andy: What happened in there?
Michael Scott: Nothing. Other than once again I am thankful that I am a paper salesman.
Dwight Schrute: Did he threaten you?
Michael Scott: No Dwight, not everything is a threat.
Andy: Mobsters are!
[leaves to look out the window]
Michael Scott: There is no such thing as monsters.
Andy: He drives an SUV.
Dwight Schrute: I knew it! More trunk-space. Or should I say corpse space.
Oscar: Guys, I drive an SUV. Does that mean I'm in the mob?
Dwight Schrute: No, not that by itself but look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster.
Dwight Schrute: Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except this roach I found.
[pours the roach out onto the table]
Dwight Schrute: Criminals are like raccoons. You give them a taste of cat food and pretty soon they're back for the whole cat.
Dwight Schrute: I don't understand why would you buy a policy?
Michael Scott: It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.