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Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.
Ryan: I don't think-- I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?
Michael Scott: Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Michael Scott: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her, life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be ok.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why would you have to phrase is like that?
Michael Scott: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.
Jim Halpert: One day Michael came in, complaining about a speed bump, on the highway... I wonder who he ran over then.
Michael Scott: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this, compulsive, need, to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
Michael Scott: Oh I am taking responsibility. And it is up to me, to get rid of the curse, that hit Meredith, with my care. I am not superstitious, but I'm a little 'stitious.
Michael Scott: Myth: Three Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: Four Americans every year die from rabies.
Michael Scott: Alright, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?
Oscar: You can't be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.
Michael Scott: Everybody inside the car was fine, Stanley.
Michael Scott: Okay, I have an announcement.
Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window.
Michael Scott: No--
Phyllis: You shot Dwight.
Michael Scott: No, no. That is not funny, I love my employees. Even though, I hit one of you with my car-- for which I take whole responsiblity.
Creed: I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.
Kevin: Oh well. If they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they''d be good together. Like PB & J... Pam Beesly and Jim! What a waste! What. A. Waste.
I.T. Guy: What was the exact offer?
Pam Beesly: It was for a... video.
I.T. Guy: Yeah, what kind of video?
Pam Beesly: A celebrity sex-tape.
Jim Halpert: Really? What kind of celebrity?
Pam Beesly: Not relevant.
Jim Halpert: How much you pay for it?
Pam Beesly: Not relevant.
Jim Halpert: You paid for it!?
Pam Beesly: It all happened too fast!
Michael Scott: Kelly, you're Hindu so you believe in Buddha.
Kelly: That's Buddhists.
Michael Scott: Are you sure?
Pam Beesly: Michael? '5K' means five kilometers not 5000 miles.
Dwight Schrute: As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do, is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're keeping Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical.
Michael Scott: I would like you to accept this cheque, for three hundred and forty dollars, made out to 'Science'. Make sure that gets into the right hands.
Michael Scott: So, I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back.
Ryan: Back? Why is that, Michael?
Michael Scott: Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.
Ryan: Ohhhh. Did you do this on purpose?
Michael Scott: No. I was being negligent.
Pam Beesly: On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office, just ballpark.
Michael Scott: European offices are naked all the time.
Pam Beesly: They're so not.
Michael Scott: Besides my shirttail covered most of it so--
Pam Beesly: I didn't see where it started I saw where it ended.
Toby: Where are we?
Kelly: I donno. Like five kilometers from the office.
Toby: He couldn't have made it a circle?
[seeing Darryl feeding a squirrel] Darryl, what are you doing?
Darryl: I'm- I'm giving him a peanut.
Michael Scott: No, don't give him- just, did you hear anything I said?
Darryl: Look how happy he is!
Michael Scott: He's happy because he's insane. You know what? That's the perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe we should just skip the ceremony and set up a college fund for Meredith's son.
Michael Scott: Have you met that kid? Not going to college.
Andy: I'm petrified of nipple chafing. One it starts, it's a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. It's a tough one. Gotta take precautions.
Kevin: Are you kidding me? Pam, and Jim, are hooking up. All they do is smile. They're just keeping it a secret. Right?
[pans to Oscar]
Oscar: I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods, it could be other things.
Kevin: Are you kidding me!?
Jan: Okay, name please.
Creed: Creed Braton, 75-plus division.
Jan: You're over 75-years-old?
Creed: 82, November first. How much is the prize money?
Jan: There's no prize money.
Creed: What is any of this real?
Michael Scott: I was also hoping to hand the giant cheque to a rabies doctor. How's that going?
Pam Beesly: Not well. A doctor won't come out to collect a cheque for 700 dollars. Or 500 dollars if we go with the giant cheque. And also, there is no such thing as a rabies doctor.
Angela: I can't. Sprinkles is sick.
[cut to interview]
Angela: She 's been sick for some time--thank you for asking. No one asks, about Sprinkles.
Jan: So I heard that you were peeping on Michael.
Pam Beesly: No, it was not--
Jan: Look, I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine. Okay? So hands off.
Michael Scott: Man what a day, huh? How could it get any worse? The computer crashes, with the porn. And then Meredith with the accident. And then, Sprinkle. God. That's three things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed. And we have to do something.
Phyllis: I'm a Lutheran and Bob is a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy.
Angela: That's why we're cursed.
Michael Scott: Jan made me breakfast this morning. Well, she bought the milk... It's soy!
Michael Scott: Forgiveness is next to Godliness.
[on the phone]
Stanley: No, 'rabies.' Babies would be a good idea. Can I put you down for a dime?
[caller hangs up]
Michael Scott: Is there a God?
[pause] If not, what are all these churches for? And who is Jesus's dad?
Michael Scott's shirt: Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-am Fun Run Race For The Cure
Michael Scott: What about you?
I.T. Guy: Well if you're going to reduce my identity to my religion, then I'm Sikh. But I also like hiphop and NPR. And I'm restoring 1967 Corvette in my spare time.
Michael Scott: Okay. So, one Sikh, and...
Ryan: People keep calling me a 'wunderkind.' I don't even know what that means. But, I mean I know what it means. It means, very successful for your age. So I guess that makes sense. But, weird word.
Michael Scott: Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.
[to Pam] YOU DON'T KNOW ME! [pause] You've just seen my penis...
[to the accountants] Hey guys, we're all going to visit Merridith and some of us are pitching in a few dollars for flowers.
Kevin: Who's 'we'? You and Jim?
Pam Beesly: No, so far Phylis, Stanley and I.
Kevin: Oh, I bet Jim goes too.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I haven't asked him yet.
Kevin: I bet you ask.
Pam Beesly: I was planning on it.
Kevin: I bet you were.
[an aside to Kevin, whispering] Stop.
Michael Scott: Maybe there's some sort of animal we could make a sacrifice to. Like a giant buffalo or some sort of monster like something like the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just the head of a monkey with the antlers of a reindeer with the body of a ... porcupine.
Jim Halpert: I'll do some research.
Michael Scott: I'm not a bad guy, I am a good guy, who just, hits women with his car.
Micheal Scott: My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I'm very, very proud of that.
Pam Beasley: So I closed the door, but the image of his...
Jim Halpert: Baguette?
Pam Beasley: ...dangling participle...
Jim Halpert: Eww...
Pam Beasley: ...still... burned... in my eyes...
Jim Halpert: I can imagine...
Michael Ughh... I hate hospitals. In my mind, they are associated with sickness.
Michael Scott: I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water than I have in my entire life.
[to camera] Are you kidding me?! Pam and Jim are totally hooking up! All they do is smile. They're just keeping it a secret! [to Oscar] Right?
Oscar: I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy.
[to pam] You don't know me...You've just seen my penis.