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[to camera] In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.
[to camera] I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it.
Jim Halpert Why are we discounting this whole Woody-came-to-life thing so quickly?
Kelly I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white.
[everyone groans] I said "I wonder". I didn't say "I think".
[to camera] Thank you, Scranton Strangler, I love you. You just took one more person's breath away.
Kelly Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me unless I threaten to kill myself.
Kevin Toy Story is all about toys that come to life, when people aren't looking. You don't think...? It's not possible that Woody did this to himself?
Erin Who's Holly, guys?
Michael Scott That is a good question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe, just maybe, a part of my future?
Creed She's one sassy black lady.
Andy Nobody hug me, I'm covered in tree sap.
Oscar Why would someone hug you?
[to camera. dressed as Pam, plays over shots of him in wigs] Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you're going to need to bear a passing resmeblance to someone.
[to camera] I just want it to stop.
Michael Scott The shards of glass could've shaved her face off. And yes, it might've been funny. But it would also have been incredibly tragic.
[as the Grinch] You must answer topical political questions! [reads card] "How many congressman is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed? And what other state has that equal number?"
[to camera] There's nothing classier than boring jazz music. He was cheaper. What's better, hiring an entire quartet for half an hour or one bassist for an entire day?
Dwight's text to Jim "How about icing it? LOL. Dwight."
[reading gift tag] "Hey, Pickles! Merry Christmas! Open immediately. Love, Swiss Cheese."
[opens box, gets hit by snowball inside the box]
Dwight Schrute Didn't think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing, did you, Jim? Let that be a lesson to you all.
[looks out window] Hey look everyone, It's snowing.
[pretend cute-kid voice] Omigod! It's the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate and cuddle up with papa and tell him all of your Christmas dreams? Hmm? [turns serious] It's not even real snow. Look, it's a dusting. Pitiful.
[to camera as classy Santa] The name is Bond. Santa Bond. I'll have an eggnog shaken, not stirred. Classic Brosnan.
[to camera] I know people are only excited to talk to me because of the trial. But if they talk to me for a while, and maybe people realize that I have something to say. And then one day... we're just talking.
Pam Beesly Look, Darryl. I know it's not my business, but if I couldn't have Cece with me for Christmas, I'd be upset too.
Darryl Thank you.
Andy Yeah man, if my grandma died, I'd kill myself.
Dwight Schrute I do not except your surrender. There's only one way that I would ever relent: You hit Pam in the face with a snowball, while I watch.
Jim Halpert You're a psychopath.
Andy My 'brid, my hybrid, my Prius hybrid won't fit a tree, which is ironic considering how many trees it saves.
[to Holly] Nothing is never your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us!
[to camera] Robert seems great. He's very handsome. Firm handshake. He's gay. Good sense of humor.
[to camera] I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to sit in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people while my lunch was paid for? That is the life!
Holly I found him (Woody) in my bed the next morning.
Michael Scott Oh that's creepy. How did A.J. get in your house?
Holly We live together.
Michael Scott ...oh.
Holly Yeah, it had a little note on it that said "You've got a friend in me."
Michael Scott Yeah... Randy Newman's the best.
Michael Scott My kids are growing up. As a boss, I look at that and I say, great. It's exactly what a boss would hope would happen because that's what I want. That's what every boss wants; a wonderful Christmas with no drama.
Nate: Got it.
[taking a group photo outside]
Pam Beesly: Okay let's go in. I'm freezing.
Michael Scott: People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We're gonna do a fun one.
Jim Halpert: One Charlie's Angels. One. Let's go.
Pam Beesly: Okay, this is just a Christmas card from your paper supplier. No one's putting this on their fridge.
Kevin: Oh, I got it, you guys, how 'bout this. Michael, what if all the boys are on one side, all the girls are on the other. The boys are like, 'why I oughta', and the girls are like, 'let's go shopping!'.
Andy: Let's just jump in the air!
Michael Scott: That's it! That's a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. We're gonna jump in the air. Here we go.
Nate: One, two, three.
[everyone jumps at different times] Not everyone jumped.
Michael Scott: Okay, everybody jump in the air this time, please. Here we go.
Nate: One, two, three.
[everyone jumps] Still some people not jumping.
Jim Halpert: You gotta be kidding me. Who isn't jumping?
Dwight Schrute: I'll tell you who. Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, Angela, and Oscar.
Phyllis: I am jumping.
Dwight Schrute: You are?
Phyllis: Yes, I am jumping.
Dwight Schrute: Let me see you jump.
[Phyllis barely jumps] Oh, my God. This is a store bought-camera. This isn't one of those special military-grade cameras that would be able to capture that.
Pam Beesly: I'm freezing
Nate: Um, also, Erin is jumping way too early. She's on the ground by 'three'.
Erin: I didn't want to miss it.
Andy: Well, if we all jump really high, we'll be in the air longer. Do that.
Oscar: Here's a question nobody's asking: Is this worth it?
Michael Scott: Don't answer that. People, listen up and listen good. We need to just get one picture where we're all in the air at the same time. Yes?
Michael Scott: I believe in us. We can do this. Here we go.
Nate: Okay, on three. Uh, everyone in the air. Three,
[some people jump] two, [others jump] one, [others jump] zero. [everyone begins to yell]
[cut to the talking head]
Michael Scott: We didn't get it.