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Ryan: Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot this week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.
Michael Scott: I am a victim of a hate crime. I think Stanley knows what I''m talking about.
Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael Scott: Well I hated it! A lot!
Michael Scott: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, 'Uh, no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.'
Michael Scott: Spamster.
Pam Beesly: Um... Pam, plus spam, plus?
Michael Scott: Hamster.
Pam Beesly: Right.
Pam Beesly: I get ten vacation days a year and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible. This year I got to the third week in January.
Michael Scott: I swore to myself if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh as they saw me coming, and they'd applaud as I walked away.
Michael Scott: Do you remember Ed Truck?
Creed: Sure, he hired me. How's he doin'?
Michael Scott: How would I know?
Creed: I thought you might.
Michael Scott: My biggest fear is turning into him.
Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael Scott: I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse, happy? Why am I talking to you?
Ryan: Do you know if shes looking for something long-term or if she'd be cool just hangin' out?
Jim Halpert: I have no idea.
Ryan: Could ya find out?
Jim Halpert: ...Yeah. Sure.
Kelly: Oh, long-term definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together. But don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm like up for anything, I mean I'm not a slut, but who knows?
Michael Scott: You know, I'm starting to think that what happened in my office was an act of terrorism. It's the only thing that makes any sense.
Pam Beesly: Suduko: level moderate, 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert.
Creed: Hey guys, somebody making soup?
Michael Scott: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. Could be done out of hate, could be done out of love. It could be comletely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And well she doesn't do a very good job obviously because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.
Jim Halpert: Hey Kelly.
Kelly: Are you moving back here?
Jim Halpert: Um, just for the day, while Michael's at my desk.
Kelly: Because Toby used to sit there but then he had to move over there because of an allergy.
Jim Halpert: Allergy to the desk?
Michael Scott: You know, it would probably be best if the person responsible would just come forward and accept their punishment.
[everyone looks around]
Michael Scott: Alright, you''re all going to be punished.
Pam Beesly: What''s our punishment?
Michael Scott: You're all in time-out. Just sit there quietly.
[Phyllis reaches to answer a ringing phone]
Michael Scott: Nooooooooo!
Kelly: Beyonce; pink, the color; Pink, the person; hot dogs... basically, anything that is awesome. Snow cones...
[in reference to Todd Packer] One time, as a joke, he banged every girl in the office. It was hilarious.
Michael Scott: The Extreme Home Makeover show can come in and re-do a house in one hour. If you guys were on their crew, you would be fired like that!
[in reference to Todd Packer] One time he stuck this guys head in the toilet for a full minute. The guy didn't have a very good sense of humor about it. Probably why he didn't get hired.
[referring to Kelly] What did she say?
Jim Halpert: She said lots of things.
Michael Scott: Watch out, Pam. You're next.
Pam Beesly: You're going to throw my things on the ground?
Michael Scott: Maybe..
Pam Beesly: Dunder Mifflin please hold. Dunder Mifflin please hold. Okay, sorry Michael just walked by.
Jim Halpert: Hey let me ask you a question, it's actually a little awkward. What do you think of Kelly?
Ryan: I dunno. Depends on if you like a little junk in th--
Ryan: Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair.
Jim Halpert: It's the lever on the side.
Ryan: That's what I told him, thanks.
Michael Scott: I would gladly pay you Tuesday, for a hamburger today.
Michael Scott: Hey Jim, I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet.
Jim Halpert: That might be a little difficult with the one computer.
Michael Scott: Uh, doesn't...
Jim Halpert: There's definitely a desk open in the back.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Which I guess I'll be taking.
Jim Halpert: Hey Brenda, this is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well I was assuming you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so give me a call back. You can get my number from said directory. Um... or just check your email 'cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh, give me a call back. I hope. I'll talk to you later, bye.
Kelly: You just asked a girl out on the phone!
Jim Halpert: Yep...
Dwight Schrute: Michael's gonna wipe the floor with us!
Michael Scott: You guys just are working for the weekend, aren't you? I'm working for the week.
[on Michael's speaker phone]
I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott!
Michael Scott: How did you get this number?
Todd Packer: From your mom, you gay nerd!
Michael Scott: I am a big Fear Factor fan. Um... I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually.
Michael Scott: Charlie Horse.
Creed: Why did you hit me, Michael?
Michael Scott: Oh stop.
Michael Scott: You know who used to sit at that desk?
Dwight Schrute: That guy, Miles, who quit to form his own company.
Michael Scott: Todd Packer.
Dwight Schrute: I thought he was out on the road.
Michael Scott: He was, but that desk was empty. He would come in and sit there some times.
Michael Scott: I don't see any package. How big was it?
Todd Packer: Um... It was pretty big.
Pam Beesly: Hey, what's that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe.