Michael Scott:	Who here has been the but of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis.
Phyllis:	Michael you make fun of us everyday.
Kevin:	Yeah. Every single day.
Michael Scott:	Uh, you never said anything.
Meredith:	Uh we have. Countless times.
Michael Scott:	Well it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying "Stop! Because I want you to stop" and "Stop!" as in "Stop you're making making me laugh so hard. What you're doing is so funny. You are on a roll I am a busting a gut. Stoppp!"
Angela:	That's never been the case.

	[Kevin grabs two brownies and eats one rapidly]
Angela:	Are you swallowing them whole? You're eating them so fast, are they even touching your tongue?
Kevin:	[mouth full of brownies] Yes.

Oscar:	Jim, did Michael fall into a koi pond?
Jim Halpert:	Mmmmm... it's like Michael said, it was, um... some--something else.
Michael Scott:	It was--okay!--this is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who put a fish tank in the ground with no cover, and no railing.
Angela:	So you fell in.
Michael Scott:	No, maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.
Angela:	So a child had fallen in?
Michael Scott:	Not yet!
Kevin:	That is hilarious! [raises fist]
Michael Scott:	No--don't--I'm not going to bump. I'm not gonna bump. It was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying.
	[Stanley laughs]

Angela:	It's birthday month. Creed's is today, Oscar's is week after next, Meredith's is at the end of the month. Michael usually goes with red and white streamers--
Jim Halpert:	You know what, I have an idea. Why don't we do one big shared party?
Angela:	What?

	[Michael gives Pam his jacket]
Pam Beesly:	Oh, thank you.
Michael Scott:	You're welcome.
	[long pause]
Jan:	I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The, uh, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it babe or should I tell it?
Michael Scott:	I don't like that story, babe.
Jan:	Come on! It's a cute story. Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.
Michael Scott:	Stop! Stop it! I mean.. I like ice cream, ok? Sue me! Oh- no, don't! I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue! She loves lawsuits. You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible.
Jan:	You are so right. You are SO right! Because before I lived here the glass was always covered with smudges and- and I moved in and I cleaned it and I guess that makes me the devil!
Michael Scott:	[laughing hysterically] You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! I'm burning. Help me.
Angela:	You shouldn't joke about that.

Michael Scott:	What's happening?
Pam Beesly:	Oh, some guy exposed himself to Phyllis in the parking lot.
Michael Scott:	Really? Is she okay?
Pam Beesly:	Yeah, Bob Vance took her for a walk to calm down.
Michael Scott:	Okay. [deep breath] Phyllis, you say? [snorts] Hmm. [suppressed laugher]
Angela:	What is so funny?
Michael Scott:	Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?

Michael Scott:	Packer is a survivor of divorce, Stanley. Packer doesn't speak with his child, Meredith. Packer never lived up to his parent's expectations, Andy. [Andy laughs, embarrassed] Angels loves pussycats. Packer loves...
Angela:	No, don't!
Michael Scott:	I was going to say dogs.

Angela:	Hey, come inside and talk to me.
Dwight Schrute:	I can't! Do you want us to run aground woman!?

	[Michael is making farting noises]
Toby:	Come on Michael. You're interrupting.
Michael Scott:	You're kidding me! God! You say radon is silent but deadly and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this! You know what we're not going to die of radon we're going to die of boredom.
	[office laughs]
Michael Scott:	Right? And if I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
	[disapproval from everyone]
Dwight Shrute:	You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Michael Scott:	I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.
Dwight Shrute:	No, it's still...
Michael Scott:	OK geniuses how would you do it?
Creed:	Curve the bullet, like in my favorite James McAvoy film, um, Wanted.
Oscar:	All that does is help you shoot around things. When there's Bin Laden--
Ryan:	Is there a curtain rod in the room.
Michael Scott:	I donno.
Stanley:	How 'bout make believe land has anyyything you want.
Jim Halpert:	Stanley please. This is serious.
Angela:	Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence.
Michael Scott:	Yes, we should stab Toby through the heart with an icicle.
Dwight Shrute:	Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it, you line them all up, you take one bullet shoot them all through the throat at the same time. [stands up] Watch this, Phyllis, you're Hitler, come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up. Throats together.
Toby:	I don't wanna do this.
Michael Scott:	Toby just do it! God!
Dwight Shrute:	[holding his fingers like a gun to Phyllis' throat] Ready? One bullet, and, boom! [shows bullet travelling through Toby and Andy's necks]
Michael Scott:	[the office applauds] It works!

Register with HRClock-In

Angela Quotes From The Office

Register with HR Clock-In