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[camera pans to show Karen walking over, pregnant]
Oh my God... Is that Jim's?
Of course not.
Ok. Wow. Oh man! Head just exploded. Ooooh thank God. [to Pam] For everybody, right? Whookay. Wow you're huge! That's, incredible. I-- God. Sorry, sorry. My head is-- I'm just-- I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex. And--
I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me your names. I have an amazing mnemonic device by which I have now memorize all of your names. [pointing to people] Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy. Your head it bald. It is hairless. It is shiny. It is reflective, like a mirror. M. Your name is Mark.
Well Pam and I have eloped. Actually, we just robbed a bank! And we are on the lamb. [laughs] Seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently, Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch, so David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches - except Nashua, still a little bit raw, there - but I am going to these branches and I am telling them my secret recipe for success. My eleven business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. [Pam, struggling with Michael's luggage, drops it behind him] Ohhh THAT. Well that, is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.
He brought a sled.
No! That is a toboggan. You never know when you're going to find a snowy hill. So. Every musician has a hot assistant and every rock star has a roadie and Pam is my hot roadie.
Yeah! I love being on the road, but I especially love the time-and-a-half pay, twenty-four hours a day for three days. 'Cause, I have a mortgage now! Gotta bring home the bucks!
Toby Flenderson, report to the principal's office, your mother called and it appears you have wet the bed again so you have to get home and wash your sheets because they're yellow and wet with your urine.
[looking in a car window] Trying to see what CD she's got. It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing. Ah-ha! Fiest! Yes! [hits the car setting of its alarm] Ah-hhh-hh! [nervously backs up into the car behind him, setting of that alarm too]
I am a theatrical person. Growing up I always thought I would become an actor, because, I have these memorization tricks that I use. For instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by singing it to the tune of Old Macdonald. [starts singing] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America / And to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. / With a woof woof here and a woof woof there, here a woof, there a woof, everywhere a woof woof. [stops] That one. You get it.
My birthday was yesterday, and everyone forgot. I got really dressed up and excited and no one said a word. There's wasn't even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean, to the hot, popular girl.
[on the phone] Noooo! Oh my God! Ohh no, that is so awful. I have to go, I have to do a presentation. [lowers phone] I'll talk to you-- This is going to be hard for me to speak today because I have just learned that my father has died. [gasps from the crowd] No he didn't! He is alive! And this isn't even a cellphone, this is a calculator! But you bought it! And now you can't return it! Or can you. No you can't!
Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult on-set diabetes so, I put Splenda in yours. Let's see, how many did I put in there [starts singing to the tune of Fiest's 1234] 1-2-3-4 Splendas in your coffee Stanley, none in yours Julia, because I don't know how you take it. But if you'd rather--
Four Splenda? Are you crazy?
Well no I actually only put in two but, that's not how the song goes.
I have here, Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidential file. Allow me to share. Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berk's County Youth Center. Juvie. According to past employers, "it in no way affects her job performance--" Blah blah blah.
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