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The Office Quotes (NBC) | Season 3 - The Merger

The Office Season 3 Quotes - The Merger

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  • Conference Room (5 Comments)
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30
likes
Dwight Schrute: I am fast. To give you a reference point, I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.
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26
likes
Dwight Schrute: Fact, I am older, I am wiser. Do not mess with me.
Jim Halpert: [staring at Dwight's forehead] Okay. Sounds good.
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: I don't know what you're talking about.
Diwght Schrute: Do I have sweat on my forehead?
Jim Halpert: No. Nothing.
Dwight Schrute: Why are you looking at my forehead?
Jim Halpert: I'm not.
Dwight Schrute: Meet my eyeline, Jim.
Jim Halpert: I am.
Dwight Schrute: Stop acting like an idiot.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
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26
likes
Pam Beesly: Am I being mean to Dwight? I dunno. I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention in timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder sometimes. And on purpose. Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. [To Dwight] Hey. Three more laps to go! You gotta pick it up if you're going to beat Toby!
Dwight Schrute: Ahhh!
Pam Beesly: I should probably get back to work. [goes inside]
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21
likes
Andy Bernard: I'll be the number two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs.
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16
likes
Dwight Schrute: What was your mile time?
Toby: 'Bout seven.
Dwight Schrute: Heh, I could beat that on a skateboard.
Toby: Well that has wheels.
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16
likes
Andy Bernard: Dwight might have won the battle, but I will win...the next battle.
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15
likes
Dwight Schrute: Which is higher, Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in charge of sales?
Michael Scott: I told you the titles were irrelevant. They just relate to payscale.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, so who gets paid more. Me or Andy?
Michael Scott: It is not a matter of more or less, your pay is just different.
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13
likes
Dwight Schrute: Last weekend, I outran a black pepper snake.
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13
likes
Andy Bernard: Oh. By the way, 1985 called and it wants its car back.
Dwight Schrute: Well I hope 1985 has a time machine because I drive an '87.
Andy Bernard: Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and guess what. Nobody came.
Dwight Schrute: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die.
Andy Bernard: Oh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-not University.
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12
likes
Dwight Schrute: The Japanese campguards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.
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12
likes
Michael Scott: [to Karen] Wow, you are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I., or...?
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11
likes
Kelly: Oh my God. I have so much to tell you!
Jim Halpert: Really?
Kelly: Yes! Tom Cruise and Kakie Holmes, they had a baby and they named it Suri and then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, they had a baby too and they named it Shylo and both babies are amazing!
Jim Halpert: Great. What's new with you?
Kelly: I just told you.
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11
likes
New employee: Hey, why doesn't your car have a flat tire?
Michael Scott: Why? I will tell you why, because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. It's so hateful. 'You guys suck! You can never pull together as well as one and revenge us. That is why you suck!'
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11
likes
Michael Scott: See that. Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes what brings the kids together is hating the lunchlady. Although that'll change, because by the end of the fourth grade the lunchlady was actually the person I hung out with the most.
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9
likes
Karen: I think I'm just allergic to your perfume.
Phyllis: My perfume?
Karen: You know, it's just my crazy nose. I'm, uh, used to different smells.
Phyllis: Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan, Orlando. It's made from real pine.
Karen: Who's Bob Vance?
Phyllis: You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.
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8
likes
Michael Scott: Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them.
Karen: Shouldn't we be equals?
Michael Scott: Not today. No.
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7
likes
Andy Bernard: Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you.
Jim Halpert: Sounds good, Andy.
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7
likes
Kevin: In general, they do not give me much responsibility. But they do let me shread the company documents and that is really all I need.
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7
likes
Michael Scott: You know a lot of these people, this is the only family they have. So, as far as I'm concerned [picks up 'World's Best Boss' mug] this says World's Best Dad.
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7
likes
Michael Scott: Well so far, I think it is killing. I thought it'd either be an A or an A+, but I completely forgot that there's an A++.
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7
likes
Andy: It's like we're touring Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and dropping off, one by one... Well, guess what? I'm not falling in a chocolate river.
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5
likes
Andy Bernard: I saw your dork-mobile in the parking lot. What's it get? Like four miles to the gallon?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, try double that. Classic Trans Am Vintage American muscle.
Andy Bernard: Uh huh yeah my Xterra's pretty sweet. Luxurious yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.
Dwight Schrute: Xterra's not even a real word.
Andy Bernard: Actually it is. It's Latin for Earth.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, so you drive an ex-Earth?
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: That makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic Trans Am than an ex-Earth.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. I bet you would.
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4
likes
Michael Scott: My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch, or as I like to put it, 'my family is doubling in size'.
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4
likes
Meredith: Hey, champagne.
Michael Scott: No, no. Guests only.
Kelly: Hey, it's got salmon.
Michael Scott: For the guests it is. For you, consider it cow meat. Strictly taboo.
Kelly: I eat beef.
Michael Scott: Well, then consider it poison beef. There's no touching.
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3
likes
Karen: Ugh, what's that smell?
Phyllis: What smell?
Karen: It must be the air freshener plugged in somewhere. It smells like a funeral home.
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1
like
Michael Scott: The word merger came from the word marriage and that's what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it is become like when my mom moved in with Jeff. And once again it becomes my job to fix it.
5 Comments in the Conference Room
Quotes from  Michael Scott  Dwight Schrute  Creed Bratton  Pam  Random Quotes from All Seasons

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