Robert Quotes From The Office
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| [Andy takes a phone call after hiring Mrs. California] | |
| Andy: | Hello. |
| Robert California: | [on the phone] Say hello grandma. |
| Andy: | Hi gam gam. |
| Robert California: | Hold one finger up to Susan you'll just be a second. [pause] You numbskull! You were given a very specific task. I could not have been more clear with you! Now say are you taking your medicine. |
| Andy: | Are you taking your med meds? |
| Robert California: | Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it. |
| [Andy hangs up the phone] | |
| Susan California: | You didn't say good-bye to your grandmother. |
| Andy: | We promised we'd never say good-bye. |
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| Robert California | Florida is America's basement. It's wet, it's filled with mold, the strange insects... alligators... alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight! You knew that right? |
| Dwight Schrute | Hmm... it's complicated. |
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| Robert California | Jim your daughter Cecilia, what does she think of the Street? |
| Jim Halpert | Uh... the street? |
| Robert California | Sesame Street. |
| Jim Halpert | Oh! I didn't know anybody called it--she likes it a lot. She loves Elmo. |
| Robert California | Elmo. God save us... the Elmo era. Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. The complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Our's is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree? |
| Jim Halpert | Yeah... she does like Elmo. |
| Oscar | Cultural ghetto... Totally agree. |
| Phyllis | Completely. |
| Darryl | Apt. Apt analysis, Robert. |
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| Robert California | They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they? |
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| Robert California: | Of course I am not interested in the goats. Why would you spend so much time going over the goats with me? |
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| Robert California | Trust me, one nine minute bout is the cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. I could go to the gym three times a week, or I could wrestle Stu once a month. |
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| Andy | The Friday before Columbus Day. Thoughts? |
| Robert California | What are your thoughts? |
| Andy | Just making chit chat... Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no? |
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| Robert California | When I was a boy there was an empty house just up the hill from my family’s. It was rumored that a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the Devil. One day a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound, hssss. She walked to the nursery, and there in Baby’s crib there was a snake wrapped around Baby’s neck, squeezing tighter and tighter. |
| Creed Bratton | [aghast] Oh my Goodness! |
| Robert California | The crib was full of dirt, Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching towards Baby… [awkward silence] for they were mummies. |
| Kevin Malone | NO! |
| Robert California | Amongst them was a man. Tall, slim... |
| Meredith Palmer | Jim! Uh! |
| Robert California | Almost instinctively she turned to her husband, ‘Oh, wait,’ she thought, ‘I don’t have a husband.’ For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn’t get past. Each night they slept one inch further apart, until one night Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in imaginary worlds [Dwight turns off Starcraft]. She had quit the book club, the choir, citing something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse and every time she wanted to act and didn’t, another part of her face hardened until it was stone. And then the fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door. “Baby, are you OK?” Baby sat up slowly, turned to mother and said, “I’m fine, bitch. I’m fine.” |