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Dwight Shrute: Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass have been away on maternity leave. But now Tweedle Dumbass is back and we have a problem. Yes, getting hooked on Megadesk was my own damn fault. But,
[sighs] I don't care about assigning blame. All I care about, is Megadesk. That is all I care about. Getting. More. Megadesk.
Dwight Shrute: They say, that no man is an island. False. I am an island. And this island, is volcanic. And it is about to erupt, with the molten hot lava... of strategy.
[hearing Erin sneezing] Hey! Are you sick?
Erin: Oh, no, I just have a little indigestion.
Angela: In your nose.
Michael Scott: Do I really wanna turn out like Gabe? 26. Single. Tied to my desk. No life no family. I want to have been married by the time I would've turned thirty. That's just... that's just depressing.
Dwight Shrute: Ah, that baby is just discovering the whole wide world right now.
Jim Halpert: It's pretty amazing.
Dwight Shrute: What up is, what down is, who mom is. Who dad is. It must be tough being here with all that going on.
Jim Halpert: Oh it's tough being here for a lot of reasons.
Dwight Shrute: I mean, you're here at work, the baby thinks that the refrigerator is its father.
Jim Halpert: Is that what happened to you?
[seriously] I'll tell you what happened to me. I didn't see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father, and my wet nurse was my mother.
Jim Halpert: Well that's a common mistake.
Dwight Shrute: Turned out fine for me. But Mose. Same story... Different. Ending.
Michael Scott: It is St. Patrick's Day. And here in Scranton, that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.
Erin: I'm a little sick but I don't want to miss my date with Andy. I'll get better. Whenever I get sick it goes away within a few hours. Except once when I was in the hospital, from age three to six.
Dwight Shrute: What the hell is this? This is not Megadesk.
Jim Halpert: Oh! No, it's not. They call it Quad-desk.
Dwight Shrute: That's ridiculous, this is made up of three desks.
Jim Halpert: Oh my God. We're gonna have to rename it then aren't we.
[answering ringing phone underneath the desks] Hello Dwight Schrute?
Andy: Erin and I have our first date tonight. And it has to be perfect. Why? Because according to How I Met Your Mother, that's the date that your kids are going to wait patiently to hear about and you'd better have a good story to tell them.
[answering her door] Oh! Andy.
Erin: Oh I'm in my jammie-jams.
Andy: That's ok I'm in my workie-works. You look amazing!
Erin: Thank-- come in!
Meredith: Stop fighting! Just on St. Patrick's Day ok? Just one, perfect day a year. No hassles. No problems. No kids.
Ryan: Why no kids?
Kelly: Yeah where are your kids?
Meredith: Nope. Uh uh.
[starts walking away] Not today!
Michael Scott: Oh man, you seem to have caught Jo's eye. How'd you make that happen?
Darryl: I impressed her with my good ideas.
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm! Seriously. How'd you do it.
Darryl: I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good. You were there...
Michael Scott: How do I put this delicately... Does her family owe your family something? In terms of a past injustice.
Darryl: Now Mike I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. So I can learn about this tiny, television
[turning on his monitor]
Michael Scott: When you work for Sabre only one thing matters. And I don't care if you're a loser, orrr you practice bestiality. If Joe likes you, you are in. And I, am in.
Oscar: I have a question.
[whispering to Joe Bennett] Oscar, homosexual accountant.
Angela: Yes, I am anxious to get out of work. But let me be clear, it's not to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. It's so I can protest St. Patrick's Day.
Michael Scott: How late are we gonna work tonight?
Gabe: You never know with Jo. Sometimes we're here to midnight, sometimes she doesn't show up for three days.
Michael Scott: Why does she do that. Why doesn't she just tell you what your schedule is.
Gabe: Yeah, that'd be awesome. I could get a girlfriend! I wouldn't have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year. But, uh, I'm young. Right? "I will date when I'm dead!"
[Darryl's moving into his new office]
Michael Scott: Very nice!
Darryl: Not bad, huh?
Michael Scott: A real hoop dream story you got there.
Kevin: Just because Jo, has no life, does not mean that the rest of us don't have lives. Oscar, has a life. I think Ryan has a life. This is outrageous.
Michael Scott: Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre, I donno, there is a chance, yes. I'll tell you what I love my job. But Jo, wants me to put on a show for her and pretend to work late? I spent all day trying to make her like me that I forgot to ask myself something, do I even like her! As the Irish poet Bobby McFerrin said, don't worry be happy.
Andy: She should go home. It's not the end of the world. We'll go on a date next week. She's still gonna like me in a week. Right...?