The Office Season 1 Quotes - Health Care
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| Dwight Schrute: | Through simple concentration I can both raise and lower my cholesterol. |
| Pam Beesly: | Why would you raise your cholesterol? |
| Dwight Schrute: | So I can lower it. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis. |
| Jim Halpert: | Sounds Tough. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula? |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony. |
| Jim Halpert: | OK, Whoa, alright 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Uh, Leprosy? Flesh Eating Bacteria. Hot Dog Fingers. Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection? |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Uh, knock please. Please knock. This is an office. |
| Jim Halpert: | [points to sign] It says 'workspace'. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Same thing. |
| Jim Halpert: | If it's the same thing then why'd you write 'workspace'? |
| Dwight Schrute: | [pauses] Just knock, please. Okay? A sign of respect for a superior. |
| Jim Halpert: | You are not my superior. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Oh gee, then why do I have an office? |
| Jim Halpert: | I thought it was a workspace. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me, and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Who wrote this 'hilarious' one, anal fissures? |
| Kevin: | That's a real thing. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Yeah, well no one here has it. |
| Kevin: | [timidly looks around] Someone has it. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | I'm a hunter, I go every year with my dad. The thing about deer is, they are very good at vision, the thing about me is, I am very good at hiding. In fact, I am better at hiding than they are.. at vision. |
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| Michael Scott: | Calling to ask you a little favorooney, my friend. Trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost, and I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride. |
| Voice: | You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mine shaft? It's not really a ride. |
| Michael Scott: | Uh, it says here that it's a 300-foot drop. |
| Voice: | Well it goes 300 feet into the earth but it moves really slowly. |
| Michael Scott: | So it's not a free fall? |
| Voice: | It's an industrial coal elevator. |
| Michael Scott: | Uh... alright, well, once you get down into the mine, you got laser tag or something? |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Okay, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire? |
| Michael Scott: | Uh, none: you're picking a healthcare plan. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Okay we'll table that for now... |
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| Michael Scott: | The most sacred thing I do is care... Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um, yes. Like a specialist. |
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| Michael Scott: | Pam. Pamela. Pamalamadingdong. Making copies. |
| Pam Beesly: | I'm not making any copies. |
| Michael Scott: | Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lot to do, lot to do. Information superhighway. |
| Pam Beesly: | Nothing new. |
| Michael Scott: | Lay them on moi-- what? |
| Pam Beesly: | There's nothing new. |
| Michael Scott: | That's not what you said earlier. |
| Pam Beesly: | Oh. Do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the... [looks at camera] |
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| Kevin: | He has to come out sometime... to go to the bathroom. |
| Angela: | Kevin, that's not appropriate. |
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