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Dwight Schrute: Through simple concentration I can both raise and lower my cholesterol.
Pam Beesly: Why would you raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.
Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, alright 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, Leprosy? Flesh Eating Bacteria. Hot Dog Fingers. Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, knock please. Please knock. This is an office.
[points to sign] It says 'workspace'.
Dwight Schrute: Same thing.
Jim Halpert: If it's the same thing then why'd you write 'workspace'?
[pauses] Just knock, please. Okay? A sign of respect for a superior.
Jim Halpert: You are not my superior.
Dwight Schrute: Oh gee, then why do I have an office?
Jim Halpert: I thought it was a workspace.
Dwight Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis.
Jim Halpert: Sounds Tough.
Dwight Schrute: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me, and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
Dwight Schrute: Who wrote this 'hilarious' one, anal fissures?
Kevin: That's a real thing.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, well no one here has it.
[timidly looks around] Someone has it.
Dwight Schrute: I'm a hunter, I go every year with my dad. The thing about deer is, they are very good at vision, the thing about me is, I am very good at hiding. In fact, I am better at hiding than they are.. at vision.
Michael Scott: Calling to ask you a little favorooney, my friend. Trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost, and I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.
Voice: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mine shaft? It's not really a ride.
Michael Scott: Uh, it says here that it's a 300-foot drop.
Voice: Well it goes 300 feet into the earth but it moves really slowly.
Michael Scott: So it's not a free fall?
Voice: It's an industrial coal elevator.
Michael Scott: Uh... alright, well, once you get down into the mine, you got laser tag or something?
Michael Scott: The most sacred thing I do is care... Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um, yes. Like a specialist.
Michael Scott: Pam. Pamela. Pamalamadingdong. Making copies.
Pam Beesly: I'm not making any copies.
Michael Scott: Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lot to do, lot to do. Information superhighway.
Pam Beesly: Nothing new.
Michael Scott: Lay them on moi-- what?
Pam Beesly: There's nothing new.
Michael Scott: That's not what you said earlier.
Pam Beesly: Oh. Do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the...
[looks at camera]
Dwight Schrute: Okay, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott: Uh, none: you're picking a healthcare plan.
Dwight Schrute: Okay we'll table that for now...
Kevin: He has to come out sometime... to go to the bathroom.
Angela: Kevin, that's not appropriate.
Jim Halpert: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
Jim Halpert: Jim Halpert.
Dwight Schrute: Let me out.
Jim Halpert: Who IS this?
Dwight Schrute: Let me out or you're fired
Jim Halpert: No, you can't fire me.
Dwight Schrute: Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.
Jim Halpert: Okay, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah. (answers incoming call) Jim Halpert.
Pam Beesly: Hi Jim. It's Pam.
Dwight Schrute: JIM! OPEN THE DOOR!
Pam Beesly: Good, how are you? Busy?
Jim Halpert: I'm doing okay, getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?
Dwight Schrute: JIM!!
Pam Beesly: Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?
Jim Halpert: No, not at all.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael Scott: Oh yeah, when have you ever done that?
Jan Levinson-Gould: I'm doing it right now, to you.
Michael Scott: Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, "Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I...what a great guy. I love him. I...love him.
Dwight Schrute: I am now going to read aloud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is for real. If you do not raise your hand, your disease will not be covered...Number one. Inverted penis.
Jim Halpert: Last night on Trading Spouses, there's...have you seen it?
Pam Beesly: No. I have a life.
Jim Halpert: Interesting, what's that like?
Pam Beesly: You should try it sometime.
Jim Halpert: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?
Dwight Schrute: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.