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The Office Quotes (NBC) | Season 2 - Drug Testing

The Office Season 2 Quotes - Drug Testing

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  • Conference Room (9 Comments)
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Dwight Schrute: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Ryan: I go to... a lot of parties.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, I'm going to need to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight Schrute: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight Schrute: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer - I know several - what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way.
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Creed: [when asked to ID a photo of marijuana] That is Northern Lights, cannabis indica.
Dwight Schrute: [sighs with disappointment] No. It's marijuana.
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Dwight Schrute: Let's go over some symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like. Slow moving. Inattentive. Dull. Constantly snacking. Shows a lack of motivation.
Kevin: Hey!
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Jim Halpert: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks, girl.
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Michael Scott: This year, more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.
Stanley: Where did you get these facts?
Michael Scott: Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?
Stanley: They are not.
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Dwight Schrute: Do you know what this is? [slides a photo of marijuana to Phyllis]
Phyllis: Yes, it's marijuana.
Dwight Schrute: How do you know that?
Phyllis: It's labeled.
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Oscar: So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley impression. I'd love to hear it.
Jim Halpert: Oh, um. [imitating Stanley] Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?
Stanley: [coming out of the bathroom] Is that supposed to be me?
Jim Halpert: Oh, hey Stanley. I was just doing an impression.
Stanley: I do not think that is funny.
Pam Beasley: He does everyone in the office.
[Stanley leaves]
Jim and Pam: [both imitating Stanley] I do not think that is funny.
Pam Beasley: Jinx, buy me a Coke.
Jim Halpert: Oh--
Pam Beasley: No no no. No talking.
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Jim Halpert: I'm just saying that you can't be sure it wasn't you.
Dwight Shrute: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim Halpert: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight Shrute: I would remember.
Jim Halpert: Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?
Dwight Shrute: That's not how it works!
Jim Halpert: Now how do you know how it works?
Dwight Shrute: Knock it off, okay? I'm interviewing you!
Jim Halpert: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here! Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?
[Dwight looks shocked]
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Dwight Schrute: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine?
Kevin: ... I'm not taking Rogaine.
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Michael Scott: [imitating stoner] Dude, where's my office? I totally lost it...because I was half-baked, smoking doobies. Doobie Brothers. Smoking doobies with my brothers...Peace out, Seacrest!
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Pam Beesly: What? [Jim shakes his head] Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. [Jim shakes his head no] You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. [Jim smiles] Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. [Jim stops smiling and looks down. Pam wonders what that means]
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Dwight Schrute: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight Schrute: Mine was green.
Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight Schrute: I'm all better.
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Michael Scott: Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.
Stanley: Where did you get these facts?
Michael Scott: Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?
Stanley: They are not.
Michael Scott: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Stanley: No, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants.
Michael Scott: Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?
Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes it is.
Toby: No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.
Toby: You can't do that.
Michael Scott: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.
Toby: That's not random.
Michael Scott: Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. [Pam lifts her hands up] Yeah, Pam.
Pam Beesly: I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs.
Michael Scott: Really? [Jim shakes his head no]
Pam Beesly: Uh, hmmm.
Michael Scott: Jim it's okay. You can t... [Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story] This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. [Jim shakes his head no] It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he's doing it, okay. [Jim looks at Pam] It's okay. [Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths "I can't" and sits back down. Pam is amazed.] Oh. Okay, are you sure? [Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder] That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. [Pam nods in admiration at Jim] Okay, well.
[cut to talking head]
Pam Beesly: Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that.
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Pam Beesly: [placing a coke can in front of Jim] Here. [Jim looks confused] Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight. [Pam scoots the coke can towards Jim. Jim pulls out his wallet and hands Pam a dollar. He gives the coke back to Pam]
Jim Halpert: Hi.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: How much time do you have left on your break?
Pam Beesly: Ten minutes.
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Dwight Schrute: My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.
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Dwight Schrute: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmothers funeral. What does that mean to the United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.
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Ryan: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone has ever offered him any.
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Jim Halpert: Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?
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Jim and Pam: [in unison] I do not think that is funny.
Pam Beesly: Jinx! Buy me a coke.
Jim Halpert: Oh...
Pam Beesly: No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. [Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out]
Pam Beesly: Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx.
Jim Halpert: [mouths] C'mon!
Pam Beesly: Sorry, that's not my problem.
Jim Halpert: [presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face]
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Kelly: And the guys are saying, "Chug chug chug!" but I'm so small, and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie Ann pretzels from the food court. So I said, "Is it ok if I sip it?" and they said "No". But Ryan seemed cool either way.
Dwight Schrute: [Slams fist on table] Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property. Okay! Your ass is on the line Mister. My ass is on the line. Now I'm going to ask you again, what time did you go home last night?
Kelly: Six.
9 Comments in the Conference Room
Quotes from  Michael Scott  Dwight Schrute  Creed Bratton  Pam  Random Quotes from All Seasons

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