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I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
I go to... a lot of parties.
Ok, I'm going to need to search your car. Give me your keys.
I am not giving you my keys.
Don't make me do this the hard way.
What's the hard way?
I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer - I know several - what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
What? [Jim shakes his head] Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. [Jim shakes his head no] You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. [Jim smiles] Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. [Jim stops smiling and looks down. Pam wonders what that means]
Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.
Where did you get these facts?
Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?
They are not.
Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
No, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants.
Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?
Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Yes it is.
No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors.
Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.
You can't do that.
I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.
That's not random.
Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. [Pam lifts her hands up] Yeah, Pam.
I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs.
Really? [Jim shakes his head no]
Jim it's okay. You can t... [Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story] This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. [Jim shakes his head no] It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he's doing it, okay. [Jim looks at Pam] It's okay. [Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths "I can't" and sits back down. Pam is amazed.] Oh. Okay, are you sure? [Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder] That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. [Pam nods in admiration at Jim] Okay, well.
[cut to talking head]
Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that.
[placing a coke can in front of Jim] Here. [Jim looks confused] Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight. [Pam scoots the coke can towards Jim. Jim pulls out his wallet and hands Pam a dollar. He gives the coke back to Pam]
My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.
Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?
No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. [Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out]
Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx.
Sorry, that's not my problem.
[presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face]
And the guys are saying, "Chug chug chug!" but I'm so small, and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie Ann pretzels from the food court. So I said, "Is it ok if I sip it?" and they said "No". But Ryan seemed cool either way.
[Slams fist on table]
This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property. Okay! Your ass is on the line Mister.
My ass is on the line.
Now I'm going to ask you again, what time did you go home last night?
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