The Office Season 4 Quotes - Night Out

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122
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Pam Beesly: There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "what if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?" He said, "if I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."
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27
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Kelly: If I had created a website with this many problems I'd kill myself.
Ryan: Do you have a question Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah, I have a lot of questions but number one, how dare you.
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Michael Scott: [on the phone] I am. I am getting out there. Well, no, I've asked a lot of girls to dance, Mom, they're just- it's not- listen to me for a second. Yes I shaved the back of my neck. Oh my God, Mom I've gotta go one of my friends is getting beat up by some girls!
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Pam Beesly: We have peanut butter in the kitchen.
[Dwight runs to the kitchen]
Michael Scott: I don't feel like peanut butter. [to Dwight] Get me an ice cream sandwich!
Jim Halpert: Well it's not for you, it's for your hair, and it is [checks watch] 9 am.
[Dwight comes running back]
Pam Beesly: No, Dwight! Not the good peanut butter, people are gonna get mad.
Michael Scott: Hey hey hey! This is my hair we're talking about.
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Michael Scott: [as Dwight is smothering Michael's hair with peanut butter] Smells good!
Dwight Schrute: Tastes good too.
Michael Scott: Oh, don't. That's disgusting.
Dwight Schrute: A lot of calories.
Michael Scott: Well don't leave it on too long.
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Bartender: Here you go.
Dwight Schrute: Wait a minute what is this? I didn't order this.
Bartender: For you. [points to basketball players] From them.
Dwight Schrute: Oh. [pours out the drink]
Ryan's friend: What are you doing man?
Dwight Schrute: Not safe. Anything could've been in there. [to the girls] Nice try!
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Michael Scott: I know that a lot of you are very angry at Ryan because he is the reason that we all have to come in tomorrow. However I swear to God, if any of you hurts him in any way, emotionally, or taunts him, or makes fun of his height, or his half beard,--
Ryan: Ok. Thanks Michael.
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Michael Scott: Would you have sex with Meredith?
Jim Halpert: What?
Michael Scott: Do you think she'd keep it quiet?
Jim Halpert: I'm gonna go to my desk.
Michael Scott: Jim, it's not the horniness, ok? It's the loneliness. That's...
Jim Halpert: I know.
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Michael Scott: Let's go to New York. We'll go clubbing with Ryan.
Jim Halpert: I can't.
Michael Scott: Yes you can! You're single I'm single. It'll be awesome.
Jim Halpert: I'm not single.
Michael Scott: Who are you dating?
Jim Halpert: Pam.
Michael Scott: That's still going on?
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Jim Halpert: It's under here as "Security Guard Home" did you not get his name or?
Toby: No.
Jim Halpert: It's ringing. Does anyone have his name? Quick?
Andy: Yes. It's Eddy.
Jim Halpert: It's not- it's not Eddy. It's Edmund or--
Creed: Hank. His name is Hank.
Jim Halpert: Oh guys his name's not Hank it's uh.. is it Edgar?
Phyllis: Elliot.
Oscar: Elliot!
Jim Halpert: Is it Elli-- [to cell phone] Hey... Chief. This is uh, Jim Halpert from, um, where you work. [staggered] You are the guy who sits behind the desk, you're- you're the a-African American guy. I mean you're uhh-- Who have I got here?
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Dwight Schrute: [to Ryan's friend] Do you have powers?
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Toby: I have an announcement, uh, to make. I am moving to Costa Rica. Thought about it for a long time now, and I'm finally gonna do it. So... I'm just gonna hop the fence and job home now. [runs out through door]
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13
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Phyllis: Did the police solve the problem with the--
Ryan: Yes. Yes they did. Yes they did.
[cut to talking head]
Ryan: Yes. The social networking feature of the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators.
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12
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Michael Scott: Ryan? Ryan, we're gonna take your clothes off.
Ryan: No! [sits up] Guys. I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do?
Dwight Schrute: I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.
Michael Scott: Shh. Just-- stop. Here's what you do. You tell him, that you're his friend and that you're going to help him and that everything's going to be alright. [pause] And then you put a wire on him, and you find out who's selling him, drugs, and then, you get that and you flip him. Turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy, to people really, really bad.
[Ryan lies back down]
Michael Scott: [to camera] Been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it.
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Andy: Old ball 'n chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately. You know what I'm saying.
Angela: I'm right here.
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Dwight Schrute: [introducing himself] Hi, Dwight. You resemble a Tolkien character.
Ryan: He basically is man, he's a regular banking wizard.
Dwight Schrute: No no no, not a wizard, a hobbit.
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Dwight Schrute: I'm not gonna call her.
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[car pulls up]
Jim Halpert: Cleaning people. Oscar! [walking to the gate] Ok, so all you need to do is explain to them what happened because I think they can help us.
Oscar: Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish?
Jim Halpert: I d-- if they speak Spanish.
Oscar: Good evening. We locked ourselves in. [long pause before Oscar explains in Spanish] [turning to Jim] They happen to speak Spanish.
Jim Halpert: Lucky us.
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Ryan: Yes, I'm having the Scranton branch come in on one Saturday so they can reenter sales they made on the phone, as sales made by the website, which they should have done in the first place- if the website had been working.
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Toby: [coming out with a football] Hey look what I found in the back. [to Pam] Wanna play? Teach you to throw.
Pam Beesly: I know how to throw a football.
Toby: Course you do.
Andy: Yeah! Pam, hit me up! Go long!
[Pam throws the football directly into Meredith's face!]
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9
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Michael Scott: She washes dogs.
Ryan: You're doin' it man.
Michael Scott: I know! I don't wanna get ahead of myself but... I think I want her to meet my mom.
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9
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Michael Scott: Like I said it's not about the horniness it's about the loneliness. And how can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, boys on the side. But I don't. I disagree. I say, let's hear it for the boys.
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8
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Jim Halpert: And then an older gentleman asks you, "boxers or briefs?"
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Michael Scott: [hugging Ryan] Oh Ryan I need a girlfriend so bad.
Ryan: Michael let me go. Let me go Michael.
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Dwight Schrute: Singles only! Singles only. Also three is unlucky... curse of three.
Michael Scott: Sorry, Andy, cannot take any chances on curses, not tonight!
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8
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Ryan: It's off. It's not the dude I know. It's some other loser who won't let us in without chicks.
Michael Scott: You're kidding.
Ryan: Let's bail.
Dwight Schrute: Ok w-w-w-w-wait. You two, Jersey State girls, let's go.
Basketball player: We're not goin' unless we can all go.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, you know what? Fine. Let's go, two girls to a guy, come on. Let's do it! Come on Ryan. Move out! Three or four with him let's go. Come on, here we go. [referring to Ryan's friend] Don't step on him.
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Pam Beesly: Actually, it's kind of too bad we're not coming into work tomorrow.
Oscar: Why?
Pam Beesly: I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned like scrambled eggs Saturday.
Toby: More like everyone get your boss laid Saturday.
[Toby rubs Pam's knee and an awkward moment ensues]
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Michael Scott: This place is like a sexy preschool.
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7
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Michael Scott: Do you know any girl in New York you might... wanna hook me up with? That might be interested in a guy like me?
Ryan: No. Sorry man.
Michael Scott: Ah you tried.
Ryan: But seriously, you should see the girls I meet at clubs in the city.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Ryan: Unreal.
Michael Scott: They sound great.
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Ryan: Michael. What are you doing here?
Michael Scott: Well, you know, just taking you up on your offer to party so tada.
Ryan: That is so awesome man! [hugs Michael] And you brought this guy! [gives Dwight a big hug]
Michael Scott: Ryan it's Michael and Dwight.
Ryan: I know it's you guys! I am so psyched you're here! Woooo!
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Dwight Schrute: Excuse me.
Tall girl: Yeah?
Dwight Schrute: How did you all find each other?
Tall girl: Uh, we're the Jersey State Varsity Basketball Team. North-East regional champs! [girls cheer]
Dwight Schrute: Amazons...
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Michael Scott: I've never done anybody that does that. You wash dogs. Very cool.
Woman: That's one aspect of small pet grooming. What do you do?
Michael Scott: I am a bank teller.
[cut to talking head]
Michael Scott: Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance.
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Ryan: Hey man, you ever think there's going to be this massive nuclear holocaust and after all the major nations are destroyed it'll just be the tribes in the jungles that rise up and survive. That jungle warfare is going to rule the world?
Michael Scott: Yeah maybe.
Ryan: It's inevitable right?
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Jim Halpert: Hey man do you mind if I run something by you?
Ryan: Love it! Go.
Jim Halpert: Well, I kind of feel like what we had going for us was our customer service. And no matter how much we change this up, I don't know that a website's going to be able to replace that.
Ryan: I can tell you've thought about this a lot I appreciate that. David Wallace does too. You told him all about this at the Christmas party right?
Jim Halpert: [stammering]
Ryan: You did, yeah.
Jim Halpert: Hmm.
Ryan: Watch your back, Jim. [pause] Just kidding.
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Stanley: I don't like when my clients call me to help them use the website. I'm not seeing commissions on that.
Ryan: I hear you Stanley, that is a great observation. Problems like that will not happen when we launch Dunder Mifflin Infinity 2.0.
Stanley: When will that be.
Ryan: Tbd.
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Michael Scott: [clapping slowly] Ryan has done a great job and I am not applauding sarcastically. Think about it. A month ago, nobody would go on this site because we were worried, about getting molested, or losing our identity, having it stolen. But now, at a time "TDB" all of these problems will be in the past. [to Ryan] You did good kid. You did goood.
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Ryan: Bye everyone! Stay real Scranton, alright? Peace!
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Dwight Schrute: Do you live in a regular sized house?
Ryan: Yeah he's a normal guy. He's cool.
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Andy: By show of hands who thinks we're a better couple than Jim and Pam.
Pam Beesly: Phyllis!
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5
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Michael Scott: This place is packed.
Dwight Schrute: Fire hazard.
Michael Scott: Packed with... beautiful ladies! Swingers. Classic. John Favaro and the tall guy from Dodgeball.
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Ryan: Hook it up! [smashes a beer bottle in the club]
Michael Scott: Wow... That's dangerous.
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Michael Scott: Best night ever.
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Creed: I don't get the big fuss here. I like the site.
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Oscar: We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas.
Toby: Sorry guys but I don't think I tipped him for last year's.
Angela: No neither did I.
Phyllis: Jim was supposed to collect it.
Jim Halpert: [long awkward pause] Yep.
Kevin: Way to go man.
Kelly: Now he's never gonna come.
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Michael Scott: I, um, thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well at one point. I was thinking about getting Back to the Future. Back, because it's on my back; and future because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead, into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know? And it's my second favorite movie.
Woman: I've never heard of that movie.
Michael Scott: Back to the Future? Ho! Wow! Well you should take a film education course.
Woman: How old are you?
Michael Scott: Thirty-- I'm- I'm in my forties.
Woman: Wow. That's so cool.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Woman: Well I'm gonna go back to my group now.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay.
Woman: Thanks for the drink.
Michael Scott: You are welcome.
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Ryan's friend: Ok, I gotta go. Do not take him to a hospital!
Michael Scott: [pause] Pretty weird...
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Jim Halpert: Hhhhank. Is that you?
Security guard: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Still haven't left the house yet, huh?
Security guard: I'm gettin' ready to leave.
Jim Halpert: Good. Please hurry.
Security guard: Stop callin' me so I can put on my damn socks.
Jim Halpert: Will do. [hangs up] I'll stop calling.
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Dwight Schrute: Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me when we were sick? [starts singing in German]
Michael Scott: Ok, Dwight. Shh shh shh. Dwigh, shh. Leave him alone.
Dwight Schrute: It's a lullaby.
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Dwight Schrute: [in the club] 'Women look like white slaves.
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Woman: Cool.
Michael Scott: I think so. Yeah I have fun.
Woman: I'm, just gonna use the powder room.
Michael Scott: Alright.
Woman: So I'll see you soon.
Michael Scott: Very perfect. [bows to the camera]
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Ryan Howard: Dwight! How's the beet farm?! [turning to his friend] This guy has his very own beet farm. It's awesome!
Dwight Schrute: Well, it's weeble season...
Ryan Howard: I don't know what that means but it sounds awesome!
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[from deleted scenes]
Michael Scott: [to Ryan] You had a rough night tonight, but your life is very good, my friend. You've got a great job, you... You can have any woman you want. You're good looking, you know...
Dwight Schrute: You're friends with a hobbit.
Michael Scott: Yes, you're friends with a hobbit and... Look where you live. I mean, ... Yeah. You got it all.
Ryan: New York is great.
Michael Scott: No, I mean this apartment building. It's fantastic.
Ryan: This is not my apartment. This is the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
21 Comments in the Conference Room
Quotes from  Michael Scott  Dwight Schrute  Creed Bratton  Pam  Random Quotes from All Seasons