[writing on a whiteboard] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And, Michael, is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through... [writes a question mark] Delusion.
If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government and... things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.
I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They are always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles; I’m constantly hungry. You think my nipples don’t get sore too? You think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
Listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy. A child, of which, I have a vested interest. So.. kind of weird. Anyway, she is... incredibly fat and enormous right now. Extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one fo the more attractive people in the office. So... while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold, to you. And I'm doing this... to, pay respect to her bloated feelings. [quickly] And I'm treating Ryan the same way.
I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up a baby every day, if possible, because... it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me and I think it’s because they see me as one of them, but, cooler, and with my life put together a little bit.
[over the phone to Pam] Ok you gotta hear this. Jan's shower is going on right now, she's singing Son of a Preacher Man. Everyone's just STARING at her! Like, the song is about losing your virginity next to a church. And guess what? She's been singing for the last twenty minutes!
I can hear anything!
Oh. Oh ok. Well you know what, I, uh, just uh, call me later.
Is this it? I mean is this... two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis? I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what? Where's my golden shower, Phyllis.
It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I’m going to love it. It’s like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is so bizarre and unnatural, but, it... it happens.
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