The Office Season 5 Quotes - Baby Shower

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Jim Halpert: [writing on a whiteboard] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And, Michael, is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through... [writes a question mark] Delusion.
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Dwight Schrute: Jan had the baby, and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.
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Michael Scott: [drops Dwight's watermelon baby] Ohh God! Wow! What was on that?
Dwight Schrute: Butter! Newborns are slippery.
Michael Scott: Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again!
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Pam Beesly: [over their phones] "Hey it's Jim, leave a message." [beep] Hi.
Jim Halpert: "Hey this is Pam, leave a message." Hey! It's me. It is 5:03.
Pam Beesly: I figured I'd catch you walking to your car but--
Jim Halpert: Guess you must be out or something.
Pam Beesly: I'll leave a message.
Jim Halpert: Is it me, or are we a little off today?
Pam Beesly: I guess this is just one of those days. It'll get better.
Jim Halpert: Hope you didn't have any major laundry issues.
Pam Beesly: I finished my laundry. Got all my socks. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you.
Jim Halpert: Hey you remember that time I helped you do your laundry, and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you?
Pam Beesly: And then remember, we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer/ dryer?
Jim Halpert: And yet here you are, back in a laundromat. You know I'm just trying to help you, Beesley. Be safe.
Pam Beesly: You're probably upset I'm even at a laundromat right now, but, don't worry. I'm being safe. And I'm headed home-- I'm headed to my dorm. Not home.
Jim Halpert: Wish you were home. Um, anyway--
Pam Beesly: Anyway, um. I miss you.
Jim Halpert: I miss you.
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Michael Scott: Hey guys.
Darryl: Sup, Mike?
Michael Scott: Uhh... I need some advice. From one baby daddy to another.
Darryl: Pfft you a baby daddy?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um... when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby, like the first time you held it. Did you find that, with your baby baby?
Darryl: Hell yeah. You know why? 'Cause that was my baby.
Michael Scott: I just thought as a baby daddy--
Darryl: You, should stop calling yourself 'baby daddy.'
Michael Scott: Why, Darryl? Because I'm quote 'white' quote unquote?
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Michael Scott: If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government and... things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.
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Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They are always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles; I’m constantly hungry. You think my nipples don’t get sore too? You think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
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Dwight Schrute: [stress testing Jan's stroller] I like to call this, the bumper test.
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Dwight Schrute: Do you have the sharpie!
Michael Scott: Yes, I do!
Dwight Schrute: Ok. When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher could ever copy.
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Dwight Schrute: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.
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Michael Scott: Listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy. A child, of which, I have a vested interest. So.. kind of weird. Anyway, she is... incredibly fat and enormous right now. Extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one fo the more attractive people in the office. So... while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold, to you. And I'm doing this... to, pay respect to her bloated feelings. [quickly] And I'm treating Ryan the same way.
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Kevin: Michael, the baby's already been born.
Michael Scott: Yeah, duhh.
Kevin: Yea, so, we had games planned, but the baby ruins all of 'em.
Michael Scott: No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin. Okay? The baby multiplies the fun. So let's just do what you were going to do.
Kevin: Okay... Who wants to guess when the baby will be born.
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Andy: [walking into the conference room with his baby picture] Got the 'Nard puppy, for ya... what's goin' on here?
Angela: It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose.
Andy: Aww. Check it out. Who would've thought, that this little baby would be marrying that little baby.
Angela: That's Phyllis.
Andy: It-- well--
Angela: Yeah. It is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert.
Andy: Wait. Why does that make me a pervert? I-- I--
Angela: Well it does.
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Michael Scott: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up a baby every day, if possible, because... it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me and I think it’s because they see me as one of them, but, cooler, and with my life put together a little bit.
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Dwight Schrute: Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller, should be indestructible.
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Jim Halpert: [over the phone to Pam] Ok you gotta hear this. Jan's shower is going on right now, she's singing Son of a Preacher Man. Everyone's just STARING at her! Like, the song is about losing your virginity next to a church. And guess what? She's been singing for the last twenty minutes!
Pam Beesly: I can hear anything!
Jim Halpert: Oh. Oh ok. Well you know what, I, uh, just uh, call me later.
Pam Beesly: Okay?
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Dwight Schrute: Hold me! Cradle my hand!
Michael Scott: I’m right here, I’m right here.
Dwight Schrute: I'm screaming! I'm screaming! I'm screaming! Aah! Numb me up! I want anesthesia!
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Jan: There is, uh, there is one more thing you can do for me.
Michael Scott: Ok.
Jan: Don't date Holly.
Michael Scott: W-Wha-- that's-- I hate her. Wh--God... Why would you even ask me to-- I- I mean not that it matters because I don't but w-- Okay! Alright. Fine.
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Michael Scott: I didn't feel much, when I held Astrid... But I got a good feeling from Holly.
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Jan: Michael, I need your help.
Michael Scott: I was just going to, uh, I was just going to talk to Holly. About her... hygiene. She smells like, old tomatoes. And dirt.
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Michael Scott: Is this it? I mean is this... two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis? I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what? Where's my golden shower, Phyllis.
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Phyllis: I do enjoy being apart of the party planning committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grapehead is under mine.--
Michael Scott: Hey! Hey! What are you doing? Don't talk to them.
Phyllis: Sorry.
Michael Scott: Make the party. Make the party, please, Phyllis. [walks away]
[Phyllis starts pumping a balloon]
Michael Scott: [comes back to window] Pump it!
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Pam Beesly: I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little out of sync. You know, that's all. [picking up towel] Oh great, I washed my lipstick.
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Michael Scott: It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I’m going to love it. It’s like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is so bizarre and unnatural, but, it... it happens.
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Michael Scott: Can I hold her?
Jan: Yes. Yes you can.
[Michael gets up and walks over to Jan's baby]
Jan: You know, I think just leave her, in the car seat.
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Michael Scott: Let’s get our shower on! Conference room. Choppity chip chop.
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Michael Scott: [talking head] It's like that video where the dog nurses the tiger cubs. Have you seen that?.. It's so.. bizzare and unnaturual, but ... it happens.
15 Comments in the Conference Room
Quotes from  Michael Scott  Dwight Schrute  Creed Bratton  Pam  Random Quotes from All Seasons