Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office

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Dwight Schrute: [to firefighters] Hey guys, great response time. Listen up, I got some theories...
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Dwight Schrute: Question. May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?
Michael Scott: Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working 24/7 all day yesterday.
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Dwight Schrute: What were your favorite moments?
Michael Scott: Uhh, all of them. I loved them all. Every single one.
Dwight Schrute: What about when Jan said the branch was closing?
Michael Scott: God, Dwight.
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Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
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Michael Scott: Did you ever have intercourse in this office?
[Dwight says nothing]
Oscar: Are you serious? [scoffs disgustedly] Where?
[Dwight stares at Oscar]
Oscar: [aggressively] Where?
[Dwight continues to stare]
Oscar: [now grimacing] Where Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: It seems like you already know where.
[Oscar silently covers his mouth]
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Jim Halpert: You okay?
Dwight Schrute: I am better than you have ever been and ever will be.
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Michael Scott: Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?
Doctor A head injury.
Michael Scott: Well, you don't have all the information. The foot has been fairly severely burned, and healed quickly, very quickly. Actually, like, suspiciously quickly.
Doctor [to Dwight] So I'm ordering a CAT scan.
Dwight Schrute: What is that?
Michael Scott: Look, since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot in? We can take a look.
Doctor Well, for a burn, you really just need to look at the outside of the foot.
Michael Scott: Okay, what kind of machine is that?
Doctor Does the skin look red and swollen?
Dwight Schrute: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: That's my joke. Damn it, Dwight.
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Dwight Schrute: Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy. But--
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Dwight Schrute: It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me. I have been salesman of the month for 13 of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.
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Dwight Schrute: Ok everyone. I'm going to need you to sign this statement of regret, as an acknologment you heard it, ok? Everyone come on up here, it's not a big deal.
Phyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. Right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for fifty years and forced him not to exercise. Now take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, ok? Make a line. Let's form a line right here. ... Sign it. Sign it!
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[as Michael is seuducing a woman at the bar]
Dwight Schrute: Michael, drop this one. Abort.
Michael Scott: Why?
Dwight Schrute: I found twins.
Michael Scott: Oh my God. [to the woman] Twins! I'm sorry, you understand. Nice to meet you!
[cut to Michael and Dwight staring across the room]
Dwight Schrute: Aren't they magnificent?
Michael Scott: They're men Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: I love finding a good set of twins.
Michael Scott: Something's wrongg with you.
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[turning Michael's car clock ahead]
Dwight Schrute: [to camera] Like clockwork.
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