Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office

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Dwight Schrute: [looking at cell phone] Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?
Jim Halpert: Yep. You're being replaced.
Pam Beasley: I think he meant personal day
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that's quite a leap Pam.
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Dwight Schrute: Pam, I am not an unreasonable man. If you guys stay, I will stop watering down the soap.
Pam Beesly: You've been watering down the soap?
Dwight Schrute: Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom?
Pam Beesly: We need everything back the way it was.
Dwight Schrute: You don't wanna move. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. You'll probably just take it out on your kid. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart, and twenty five years from now, Cece will become world famous... for stripping.
Pam Beesly: That's a sad story. I have another one. We move, the other tenants follow, the bank takes the building, takes your farm, takes your car and beats the crap out of you. Penniless, you die, and my daughter Cece dances on your grave... fully clothed. [lights turn off, Pam and Dwight begin to wave their arms to alert the sensor]
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Dwight Schrute: Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions?
Jim Halpert: Yes, we will be requiring a bedtime story.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: Not even Harry Potter?
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Dwight Schrute: Parley, my office, five minutes.
Pam Beesly: Parley?
Creed: Pirate code, he wants to meet.
Pam Beesly: So everyone here knows pirate code?
Creed: I understand it, I can't speak it.
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[turning Michael's car clock ahead]
Dwight Schrute: [to camera] Like clockwork.
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Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey hey hey. I got your text, who's Phillip?
Michael Scott: No no no.
Dwight Schrute: [to Phyllis] Who tipped you over? Was it Phillip?
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Dwight Schrute: Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me when we were sick? [starts singing in German]
Michael Scott: Ok, Dwight. Shh shh shh. Dwigh, shh. Leave him alone.
Dwight Schrute: It's a lullaby.
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Dwight Schrure There's no building. That can only mean one thing.
Nate The building's underground.
Dwight Schrute ...She's lying.
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Dwight Schrute: [introducing himself] Hi, Dwight. You resemble a Tolkien character.
Ryan: He basically is man, he's a regular banking wizard.
Dwight Schrute: No no no, not a wizard, a hobbit.
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Jim Halpert: By the way the racoons are back.
Dwight Schrute: Where.
Jim Halpert: I think they run through these panels and then down into the map. I wouldn't know for sure because I don't have a trained ear which is why I use one of these [takes out a stethoscope]
Dwight Schrute: Gimme that.
Jim Halpert: Yep. Wait. [pulls out a hammer] And this.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Jim Halpert: Go get 'em.
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Jim Halpert: I'm sorry what did you say? So weird.
Dwight Schrute: What? What's so weird?
Jim Halpert: The bat. I mean, I know I felt it bite me but look there's no mark. I feel so tingly... So strangely powerful... [pause] Oh well.
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Dwight Schrute: What are you again? Oh yeah, three hole PUNCH! [punches Jim]
Next Page of Dwight Schrute quotes
Quotes from  Michael Scott  Dwight Schrute  Creed Bratton  Pam  Random Quotes from All Seasons