Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office
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| Dwight Schrute: | So I called my buddy at the station... to do a little background check on Josh Porter... see if there's any aliases or anything... |
| Michael Scott: | Mm, hmm? |
| Dwight Schrute: | He wasn't volunteering today. |
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| Michael Scott: | The time has come to name my own replacement. So, please hand this letter of congratulations to, Dwight K. Schrute. |
| Dwight Schrute: | That's my name. [reading the letter] 'Dwight, congratuations a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch.' |
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| [reading Michael's screenplay] | |
| Jim Halpert: | Catherine Zeta-Jones enters. |
| Phyllis: | Sir you have some messages. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Not now! |
| Phyllis: | They're important. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Okay, what are they? |
| Phyllis: | The first message is, 'I love you.' That's from me. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | We'll start our own paper company. The Shrute Bernard Lapin-Vance... Stanley Paper Company. |
| Michael Scott: | I love it. I love this idea and I fully support you. As a matter of fact I am going to give you some seed money. [throws a crumpled bill at Phyllis' head] There you go, there's some seed money for you! And you can take it, no hard feelings, but if you stay I want an apology and I want a big one. |
| Stanley: | You want us to apologize to you? |
| Michael Scott: | Yes I do. |
| Andy: | That's, completely backwards. |
| Michael Scott: | It's completely frontwards. |
| Phyllis: | Michael you thought you were attacking corporate but we were the ones who got hurt, you should be apologizing to us. |
| Dwight, Andy and Stanely: | That's right. |
| Phyllis: | Michael, you always said we were a family. Then you went after us. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of six sense. You can read their moods like a book. Right now the title of Michael's book is 'Something Weird Is Going On... colon... What Did Jan Say?' The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott with Dwight Schrute. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm, no footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom. Case closed. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | [shooting paintball gun] Take that Saddam! |
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| Dwight Schrute | Why would I want some random black man's photo album sitting on my bookshelf? I'm not James Franco. |
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| [Jim has Pam on the phone through his bluetooth device in his ear] | |
| Michael Scott: | Jimbo, let's do this thaang. |
| Jim Halpert: | That is me. Wish me luck. |
| Dwight Schrute: | No way. |
| Pam Beesly: | [in Jim's ear] Good luck. |
| Jim Halpert: | Thanks. |
| Dwight Schrute: | I didn't say anything. |
| Pam Beesly: | [in Jim's ear] I love you. |
| Jim Halpert: | I love you too. |
| Dwight Schrute: | What do you think I am saying to you!? |
| Jim Halpert: | I'm not talking to you. |
| Dwight Schrute: | [cut to talking head] I've caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. [to camera] Get a friend, loser. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Okay, secretary says Wallace is away for the day and won't be coming back to the office. But do not worry. I have his home address right here. |
| Michael Scott: | Why? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Christmas card list. |
| Michael Scott: | You sent him cards? You've never met him. |
| Dwight Schrute: | But when I do, we'll have something to talk about. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Where is my desk? |
| Jim Halpert: | That is weird. |
| Dwight Schrute: | This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional. |
| Jim Halpert: | Okay, well you're the one who lost the desk. |
| Dwight Schrute: | I did not lose my desk! |
| Jim Halpert: | Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Okay, who moved my desk! |
| Jim Halpert: | I think you should retrace your steps. |
| Dwight Schrute: | I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished. |
| Jim Halpert: | [Directing Dwight to his desk] Colder....warmer.....little warmer....there you go...ooo warmer....warmer....warmer, warmer....COLD, COLD, COLD...back up....oooo....warmer...HOT, RED HOT. |
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| Rose: | Ok. You didn't maintain a hundred beats per minute. And the ambulance didn't arrive because no body called 911. So you lost 'em. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Ok. He's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose? |
| Rose: | I have no idea. |
| Phyllis: | We bury him. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Wrong. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one we only have minutes to harvest. |
| Creed: | He has no wallet, I checked. |
| Michael Scott: | He is an organ donor. |
| Dwight Schrute: | [excitedly] He is? Give me some ice in a Styrofoam bucket. [removes a hunting knife from his ankle and cuts open the dummy] We search for the organs! [digging around inside] Where's the heart? The precious heart. |