Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office
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| Dwight Schrute: | I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcrowed under my desk. People say, oh it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace. Well I say, it's better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose. |
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| Michael Scott: | [bringing in steaks] Who wants some man meat? |
| Dwight Schrute: | I do. I want some man meat. |
| Jim Halpert: | Michael, Dwight would like your man meat. |
| Michael Scott: | Well then my man meat, he shall have. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Michael wants us to bond so we need topics for conversation. |
| Jim Halpert: | Ponies. |
| Dwight Schrute: | No. |
| Ryan: | How about rainbows? |
| Dwight Schrute: | No. |
| Jim Halpert: | Flowers? |
| Dwight Schrute: | No. |
| Ryan: | Makeup? |
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| Jim Halpert: | [about Dwight's doll-selling scheme] That's the Christmas spirit. |
| Dwight Schrute: | I am simply punishing those parents that would wait until the last minute to give their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that [points to the doll's horn] How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse? |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Have you been introduced to Kevin? |
| Holly: | Which one's Kevin? |
| Dwight Schrute: | He's here on a special work program. He's slow, you know, in his brain. |
| Holly: | Oh. Good for you guys. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Yeah. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | As of this morning, we are completely wireless, here at Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Mose is my cousin, and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore. |
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| Jim Halpert: | [after Jim paired his headset with Dwight's cell phone] Hello this is Dwight. |
| Pam Beesly: | [over the phone] Hello is this Dwight? |
| Jim Halpert: | Yes it is. |
| Pam Beesly: | Oh my goodness you sound sexy. |
| Jim Halpert: | Oh, thank you. I've been working out. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Woah woah woah! Pam! Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim. |
| Pam Beesly: | [into phone] Dwight? |
| Dwight Schrute: | No! [waving] I'm over here! |
| Pam Beesly: | I'm confused. |
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| Pam Beesly: | Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building. So the police put up a radar gun. It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard. |
| Dwight Schrute: | [running] AHHHHH!!! |
| Phylis: | Wow! Thirteen! [breaking Michael's previous record of 12] |
| Michael Scott: | No, no. There was wind. |
| Dwight Schrute: | I was just jogging. |
| Michael Scott: | Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over. |
| Jim Halpert: | No. It's not your turn. Okay, thirteen is the new number. Oscar go ahead. [Oscar is preparing to run] |
| Michael Scott | I want another try. Here we go. [Michael starts running just as a car drives by] Thirty-one! Thirty-one! |
| Stanley: | That was the car. |
| Michael Scott: | I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number. |
| Oscar: | Thirty-one is humanly impossible. |
| Michael Scott: | Go, Oscar. Thirty-one is my new number. |
| Oscar: | That's impossible. |
| Michael Scott: | Beat it! |
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| Andy: | I really appreciate your letting me work along side you today. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Of course you do, moon face. That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office periahia and nobody likes you. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Please? I'm always the guy you rely on at work. |
| Michael Scott: | Well this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo. It's completely personal. |
| Dwight Schrute: | So you're taking a personal day? |
| Michael Scott: | Ahem-- Except that. It's about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work. |
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| Andy: | I'm telling you to back down. |
| Dwight Schrute: | And I'm telling you that I will never back down. |
| Andy: | Then I'll make you. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Oh really? How are you gonna do that? |
| Andy: | Through the use of force. |
| Dwight Schrute: | That is very general, and does not scare me in the slightest. |
