Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office

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Dwight Schrute: Oh man! I can use this for so many nuts! Macadamias, brazil nuts, pecans, almonds ... clams, snails...
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Michael Scott: She's dead? But she's so young.
Dwight Schrute: She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal that has ever died.
Michael Scott: Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: Why don't you sit down Michael. [helps Michael into his chair] There we go.
Jim Halpert: Michael you didn't even know her.
Michael Scott: Try not to be so hurtful, Jim. Please, not at a time like this.
[Jim looks over at Pam who is shaking her head]
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Jim Halpert: By the way the racoons are back.
Dwight Schrute: Where.
Jim Halpert: I think they run through these panels and then down into the map. I wouldn't know for sure because I don't have a trained ear which is why I use one of these [takes out a stethoscope]
Dwight Schrute: Gimme that.
Jim Halpert: Yep. Wait. [pulls out a hammer] And this.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Jim Halpert: Go get 'em.
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Michael Scott: So how you holding up?
Dwight Schrute: I'm okay. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side.
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Dwight Schrute: Pam. You can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community.
Pam Beesly: 'Phallus'?
Dwight Schrute: Phyllis. Sorry. I've got penises on the brain.
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Dwight Schrute: Yes I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey, the mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that... I was good.
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Dwight Schrute: Excuse me.
Tall girl: Yeah?
Dwight Schrute: How did you all find each other?
Tall girl: Uh, we're the Jersey State Varsity Basketball Team. North-East regional champs! [girls cheer]
Dwight Schrute: Amazons...
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Dwight Schrute: As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do, is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're keeping Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical.
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Dwight Schrute: The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and children go into the offices of a talent agency. [...] And the talent agent says, 'describe your act.' And the man says something, really, really raunchy. And the town representative says, 'what do you call yourselves?' And the man says, 'The Aristocrats'. [...] I mean truly repulsive acts.
Michael Scott: That is a very, very funny story.
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Dwight Schrute: [evacuating the office] Do you want to die!?
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Dwight Schrute: Angela said she's going to tell him she's just not ready.
Michael Scott: When will she be ready?
Dwight Schrute: I don't know.
Michael Scott: Is she crazy in bed?
Dwight Schrute: Yesss.
Jim Halpert: Stop. What?--
Michael Scott: How so, specifically?
Jim Halpert: This shouldn't happen at work--
Dwight Schrute: Eager. And flexible.
Michael Scott: Really.
Jim Halpert: And! This shouldn't be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact, that that man has an anger issue.
Michael Scott: Too late.
Jim Halpert: Well it's not too late cause you haven't done anything.
Michael Scott: I am already walking.
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Dwight Schrute: [pushing Michael's face into the wet cement] Force it in as deep as you can.
Michael Scott: [muffled] That's what she said.
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