Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office

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Dwight Schrute: [Jim comes in wet] What are you smiling about there, Smiley Pants?
Andy: Wet Tuna.
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Dwight Schrute: I come from a long line of fighters, my maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. He killed twenty men and then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp... My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life... different kind of fight.
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Michael Scott: You'll never guess what I know.
Dwight Schrute: [typing] Ok. Let me finish this thought.
Michael Scott: Eric likes Megan!
Dwight Schrute: [still typing] He most definitely does. He's been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went on a group date the other night, apparently it went very well.
Michael Scott: How do you know this?
Dwight Schrute: People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it's because of my low cheekbones. [finishes typing] Ok, what is it? What can't I guess??
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Ryan: It's off. It's not the dude I know. It's some other loser who won't let us in without chicks.
Michael Scott: You're kidding.
Ryan: Let's bail.
Dwight Schrute: Ok w-w-w-w-wait. You two, Jersey State girls, let's go.
Basketball player: We're not goin' unless we can all go.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, you know what? Fine. Let's go, two girls to a guy, come on. Let's do it! Come on Ryan. Move out! Three or four with him let's go. Come on, here we go. [referring to Ryan's friend] Don't step on him.
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Dwight Schrute: Excuse me. May I have your attention, please. There has been an accident on 84-West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.
Pam Beesly: Do we know anyone who was in the accident?
Dwight Schrute: Brad Pitt. Also, there will be no bonuses.
Stanley: Why would this affect our bonuses?
Dwight Schrute: They are unrelated.
Kelly: Is Brad ok?
Dwight Schrute: He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.
Oscar: What the hell's going on here?
Angela: Are we out of jobs?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Kelly: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Anniston.
Michael Scott: He was kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny and was, just, horrible.
Stanley: Michael, you said we were getting bonuses.
Michael Scott: Alright, everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it.
Stanley: [into phone] Cancel the wallpaper.
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Dwight Schrute: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine?
Kevin: ... I'm not taking Rogaine.
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Gabe Dwight? What are you doing here?
Dwight Schrute Gabe? You don't know?
Gabe Of course I don't.
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Andy: You don't understand clothing, Toby! You're dressed like this amorphous blog of khaki.
Toby: Alright look what you've got to understand is when you come to work, you give up certain rights.
Dwight Schrute: [standing up] Listen up Flenderson, you're being weak and ineffectual. I'm cowboying this meeting, ok! Here are the new rules, ok? Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants.
Toby: Alright come on, sit down Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Toby: I'm running this meeting.
Dwight Schrute: That's debatable.
Toby: It's not. It's not. Sit down or I'm writing you up.
Meredith: Ooh. Where's this guy been?
Toby: Casual Fridays are canceled.
[everyone at the meeting erupts in argument and surrounds Toby]
Toby: [yelling over everyone] There's not a single appropriate outfit in this whole office except mine quite honestly!
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[Jim walks out to the stalled elevator]
Jim Halpert: Pam?
Pam Halpert: Oh hey Jim! Some prankster switched the elevator buttons on Dwight.
Jim Halpert: I did not do this.
Pam Halpert: I know. [smiles] Yeah! And it was going really great at first. I got video [tosses her cell phone]
Jim Halpert: This is impressive.
Pam Halpert: Well you know, they don't call me the Bart Simpson of Scranton for nothing.
Jim Halpert: Do they call you that?
Pam Halpert: They do call me that.
Jim Halpert: Come on, give me your hand I'll help you down.
Pam Halpert: Nope! Scared of getting cut in half. Also there's pee on the floor.
Jim Halpert: Oh! Of course there is. Hey. Chinese tonight?
Pam Halpert: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Alright.
[Dwight kneels down]
Dwight Schrute: How you doing?
Jim Halpert: Pretty good. You must be almost out of water.
Pam Halpert: Stop drinking the water! Stop!
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Dwight Schrute: Wash your hands Kevin.
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Dwight Schrute: First rule in road-side beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, 'Wow. I need this beet right now.' Those are the money beets.
Send "The Office Theme Song" Ringtone to your Cell
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Michael Scott: I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called 'Fundle Bundle.' Okay? Without further ado, Ryan?
Miss Trudy: [from TV] ...Bundle, are you ready to come on in? [TV children cheer] Let's have some fun!
Michael Scott: That... is Miss Trudy. Can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can... fast forward. And... I want you... to...
Dwight Schrute: Is that a real fun shooting windmill?
Michael Scott: Stop! Stop! Stop! [Ryan resumes the tape] Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow.
Jim Halpert: That's pretty funny.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Edward R. Meow: ...Recess! Hey, what's your name?
Chet: My name's Chet.
Edward R. Meow: Well hi Chet.
Oscar: Is that Chet Montgomery?
Michael Scott: Uhh, I don't know.
Pam Beesly: That is!
Darryl: Checkin' in with Chet. Doppler's up.
Edward R. Meow: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Chet: I want to be on TV!
Dwight Schrute: [employees chuckle] And he is on TV now!
Michael Scott: Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don't miss it.
Edward R. Meow: Okay, next? So, what's your name?
Michael Scott: Oh! That's me. Shh. Shh.
Edward R. Meow: Well what's your favorite subject at school?
Young Michael Scott: Recess.
Edward R. Meow: Ree-cesss. So tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Young Michael Scott: I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
Edward R. Meow: [jaw drops, awkward pause] Uh, ah... oh, okay! Well uh, nice talking with you, Michael. Uh, back to you Miss Trudy!
Miss Trudy: Hi everyone, it's one of my favorite times of the day.
Michael Scott: Coulda sworn there was...
Melissa: Did you get married?
Michael Scott: ...uh, no.
Abby: Why not?
Michael Scott: Uh, just never happened.
Sasha: So, do you have any kids?
Michael Scott: Uh, nope.
Jake: Do you have a girlfriend?
Michael Scott: I do okay.
Melissa: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jake: Even I have a girlfriend.
Michael Scott: Okay! Alright, okay.
Sasha: So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be.
Michael Scott: ...I guess not... you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza... and I'm going to go do my work. Bye.
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