Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office

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[Jim walks out to the stalled elevator]
Jim Halpert: Pam?
Pam Halpert: Oh hey Jim! Some prankster switched the elevator buttons on Dwight.
Jim Halpert: I did not do this.
Pam Halpert: I know. [smiles] Yeah! And it was going really great at first. I got video [tosses her cell phone]
Jim Halpert: This is impressive.
Pam Halpert: Well you know, they don't call me the Bart Simpson of Scranton for nothing.
Jim Halpert: Do they call you that?
Pam Halpert: They do call me that.
Jim Halpert: Come on, give me your hand I'll help you down.
Pam Halpert: Nope! Scared of getting cut in half. Also there's pee on the floor.
Jim Halpert: Oh! Of course there is. Hey. Chinese tonight?
Pam Halpert: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Alright.
[Dwight kneels down]
Dwight Schrute: How you doing?
Jim Halpert: Pretty good. You must be almost out of water.
Pam Halpert: Stop drinking the water! Stop!
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Dwight Schrute: Please? I'm always the guy you rely on at work.
Michael Scott: Well this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo. It's completely personal.
Dwight Schrute: So you're taking a personal day?
Michael Scott: Ahem-- Except that. It's about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work.
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Dwight Schrute Slack-lining? Big deal. Untie that rope, give it to a couple of pig-tailed schoolgirls, let them start jumping with it while chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys. Doesn't seem so macho now, does it? It's a JUMP ROPE!
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Dwight Schrute: I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a thursday night, what was I thinking!?
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Dwight Schrute: Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time in now, check-out time is never.
Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute: Sorry we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a late check-out?
Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert: You're not the manager, even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner.. the co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight Schrute: But I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: Eighty thousand dollars.
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Jim Halpert: Oh, Nellie, we're so sorry. We were just...
Nellie: I see you've discovered 'Benjamin.' That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry.
Dwight Schrute: [Long, awkward pause] Why not call
Jim Halpert: Shhhhhh!
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Dwight Schrute: Hello! I'd like to apply for a job.
Roger Prince: Hiya... I'm afraid we're not hiring right now.
Dwight Schrute: Why don't you just get rid of this guy.
Roger Prince: [chuckling] That's my son!
Dwight Schrute: I'm your son now. You can visit him on the holidays.
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Dwight Schrute: What's the square footage?
David Wallace: About five thousand.
Dwight Schrute: Does that include the garage?
Michael Scott: Dwight, wow, that's, not appropriate.
Dwight Schrute: I'm just-- it's a common question.
Michael Scott: David, how much did this house cost?
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Dwight Schrute: Listen. When I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. [Andy says nothing] Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?
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Jim Halpert: Excuse me, how long is the wait for a table for two?
Dwight Schrute: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years
Pam Beasley: It's a nice tux.
Dwight Schrute: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it so... family heirloom.
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Dwight Schrute: What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets?
Michael Scott: I will seduce her.
Dwight Schrute: No I want to seduce her.
Michael Scott: I'll seduce her.
Dwight Schrute: Let me seduce her--
Michael Scott: [over Dwight] No no no no, no. I got it.
Dwight Schrute: [after a beat] You'll fall in love with her.
Michael Scott: Yeah? So what if I did. That would take precedence and I would expect your support.
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Michael Scott: You and I are going to sneak inside, pretend that we are warehouse workers and we will Silly String the bejesus out of the place.
Dwight Schrute: And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guard in the eye, with the jumbo chalk.
Jim Halpert: No! No you won't do that. Nope.
Dwight Schrute: Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, nothing with the eyes. Please?
Dwight Schrute: Okay Jim.
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