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The Office Quotes (NBC) | Dwight Schrute Quotes

Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office

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Dwight Schrute: I stole the guest list from Jim's desk. And I search engined every female on both sides of the family.
Michael Scott: Get out of here. Oh. My. God.
Dwight Schrute: For instance, Pam's cousin... Jocelyn Webster [holds up Facebook profile printout]
Michael Scott: There's a name!
Dwight Schrute: Two years ago, she was selling a mountain bike.
Michael Scott: Oh, well, tell me about Jocelyn. What's she like?
Dwight Schrute: She's really into mountain biking but not so much lately.
Michael Scott: Ok...
Dwight Schrute: She had a couple hundred dollars to spend. I mean, if she was able to sell her bike.
Michael Scott: Is that all you have on her?
Dwight Schrute: Well this isn't in fact her, because it's a very common name.
Michael Scott: Ok. You're an idiot.
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Dwight Schrute: [singing and dancing] You are getting this raise! I deserve this raise! Yes! Yeah! Why are you going to give me this raise? Why! BECAUSE I AM AWESOME! I AM AWESOME!
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[during presentation on famous Indians]
Michael Scott: M. Night Shyamalan. The Village, Unbreakable, Sixth Sense--
Dwight Schrute: I see dead people.
Michael Scott: Okay. Spoiler alert.
Dwight Schrute: He was dead the whole time.
Michael Scott: Just stop it.
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Dwight Schrute [voice-over as people are seen sneezing on Dwight] The principle is sound: To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this... Maybe they have something against living forever.
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Dwight Schrute: Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy. But--
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Dwight Schrute: I think I cut my penis on the lid!
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Dwight Schrute: Have you collected the money from everyone?
Jim Halpert: I am working on it.
Dwight Schrute: How much do you have?
Jim Halpert: Six dollars.
Dwight Schrute: That's how much you and I contributed! Damn it Jim!
Jim Halpert: [to camera] I said I was working on it.
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Dwight Schrute: I can get you exotic meats... Hippo steaks, giraffe burgers.
Robert California: We'll talk.
[To the camera]
Dwight Schrute: It'll all be goat.
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Dwight Schrute: Excuse me. May I have your attention, please. There has been an accident on 84-West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.
Pam Beesly: Do we know anyone who was in the accident?
Dwight Schrute: Brad Pitt. Also, there will be no bonuses.
Stanley: Why would this affect our bonuses?
Dwight Schrute: They are unrelated.
Kelly: Is Brad ok?
Dwight Schrute: He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.
Oscar: What the hell's going on here?
Angela: Are we out of jobs?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Kelly: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Anniston.
Michael Scott: He was kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny and was, just, horrible.
Stanley: Michael, you said we were getting bonuses.
Michael Scott: Alright, everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it.
Stanley: [into phone] Cancel the wallpaper.
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Michael Scott: What I wanna do, right now, is try something a little different. I'm gonna throw it out there, starting with this meeting. I want you guys to run it. I want you to say whatever you want, take it away. Your meeting.
[silence]
Dwight Schrute: W-What are you doing?
Michael Scott: If there is something you would like to say as a group, then by all means you may say it to me right now.
Angela: Ok. People are dressed inappropriately.
Michael Scott: Take it up with Toby. What I want you to do, is I want you to look inward, and I want you to reflect, and I want you to say something different.
Jim Halpert: Can you give us a hint?
[more silence]
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Jim Halpert: And... [taking a plain ice cream cake out of the freezer] Ta da.
Kelly: I hate it.
Jim Halpert: How do you hate it? It's a cake.
Kelly: Well, there's no flowers or toys or-- I mean there's nothing on it. Where did you even find a cake like this? I mean it doesn't even have my name on it! Do you guys know what my name is? My name is Kelly!
Jim Halpert: Right.
[quickly cut to talking head]
Jim Halpert: I forgot if there was an e between the l and the y... I still don't know.
Kelly: I mean I don't even know what the theme is! What's the theme!
Jim and Dwight: [long pause] Birthday / frosting.
Kelly: Those aren't, themes. [defeated] There's always a theme. [walks away]
Phyllis: [unimpressed] There's always a theme.
Dwight Schrute: Nice job on the cake, bozo.
Jim Halpert: Ok you know what! Next time YOU get the cake and I get to scream at the birthday girl!
Send "The Office Theme Song" Ringtone to your Cell
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Dwight Schrute: Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? ...No. But life goes on... not for me.
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Quotes from  Michael Scott  Dwight Schrute  Creed Bratton  Pam  Random Quotes from All Seasons

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