Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office

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Jim Halpert [looks out window] Hey look everyone, It's snowing.
Dwight Schrute [pretend cute-kid voice] Omigod! It's the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate and cuddle up with papa and tell him all of your Christmas dreams? Hmm? [turns serious] It's not even real snow. Look, it's a dusting. Pitiful.
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Michael Scott: Any messages?
Erin: You're soaking wet.
Michael Scott: Well Jim and I got caught in a little flash... rain. Flash winds, flash lightening.
Phyllis: Wow. Sounds scary.
Michael Scott: It was. It was. And then in an instant, it wasn't!
Angela: Why isn't Jim wet?
Jim Halpert: I... outran it.
Meredith: I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing.
Michael Scott: It rained.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, can I get you something? A towel, some cocoa?
Michael Scott: Nothing. [pause] Cocoa.
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Dwight Schrute: I can untie any knot. I'm serious. Name a knot. Any knot. Go ahead.
Woman: I believe you.
Dwight Schrute: You shouldn't believe everything you hear. In fact there are many knots that I cannot untie.
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Dwight Schrute: Who wrote this 'hilarious' one, anal fissures?
Kevin: That's a real thing.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, well no one here has it.
Kevin: [timidly looks around] Someone has it.
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Michael Scott: Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?
Doctor A head injury.
Michael Scott: Well, you don't have all the information. The foot has been fairly severely burned, and healed quickly, very quickly. Actually, like, suspiciously quickly.
Doctor [to Dwight] So I'm ordering a CAT scan.
Dwight Schrute: What is that?
Michael Scott: Look, since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot in? We can take a look.
Doctor Well, for a burn, you really just need to look at the outside of the foot.
Michael Scott: Okay, what kind of machine is that?
Doctor Does the skin look red and swollen?
Dwight Schrute: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: That's my joke. Damn it, Dwight.
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Rose: Ok. You didn't maintain a hundred beats per minute. And the ambulance didn't arrive because no body called 911. So you lost 'em.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. He's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
Rose: I have no idea.
Phyllis: We bury him.
Dwight Schrute: Wrong. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one we only have minutes to harvest.
Creed: He has no wallet, I checked.
Michael Scott: He is an organ donor.
Dwight Schrute: [excitedly] He is? Give me some ice in a Styrofoam bucket. [removes a hunting knife from his ankle and cuts open the dummy] We search for the organs! [digging around inside] Where's the heart? The precious heart.
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Dwight Schrute: I am now going to read aloud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is for real. If you do not raise your hand, your disease will not be covered...Number one. Inverted penis.
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Nate: [riding in car, looking for new office] Ten thousand seven hundred and six.
Dwight Schrute: Here it is, right here, pull over. Oh my God. No way. Man, look at that.
Nate: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: There's no building. This could only mean one thing.
Nate: The building's underground?
Dwight Schrute: She was lying. Oh, Pam, Pam...
Dwight and Nate: Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam.
Passer-by Yeah?
Nate: Pam. Pam?
Dwight Schrute: What?
Passer-by I'm Pam.
Dwight Schrute: Oh.
Nate: No you're not.
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry. We have a colleague with the same name.
Passer-by: Oh, that's fine.
Dwight Schrute: So, okay. You're not a liar too are you?
Passer-by: I've been known to bend the truth.
Dwight Schrute: Damn it, Pam! Get out! Right now! Leave it, I mean it! Get the hell out of here! Go!
Passer-by: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: I can't wait to do to Pam, what I just did... to Pam.
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Dwight Schrute: Do you know what this is? [slides a photo of marijuana to Phyllis]
Phyllis: Yes, it's marijuana.
Dwight Schrute: How do you know that?
Phyllis: It's labeled.
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Creed: [when asked to ID a photo of marijuana] That is Northern Lights, cannabis indica.
Dwight Schrute: [sighs with disappointment] No. It's marijuana.
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Dwight Schrute: I know this great website where you can download song for like two cents apiece.
Pam Beesly: Really?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, I'll write down the address for you. The only thing is, is that all the songs are in Russian.
Pam Beesly: [rolls eyes]
Dwight Schrute: Kidding.
Pam Beesly: Oh. [laughs]
Dwight Schrute: Why would they all be...Okay, see you later, Pan.
Pam Beesly: Pan?
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