Michael Scott Quotes From The Office

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Michael Scott: [opens door in bathrobe] Oh good, my hooker's here.
Pam Beesly: Michael, you were expecting me, right?
Michael Scott: Yes I was, Pam, yes I was.
Pam Beesly: Are you wearing anything under that?
Michael Scott: That is inappropriate, Pam, come on in.
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Dwight Schrute: The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and children go into the offices of a talent agency. [...] And the talent agent says, 'describe your act.' And the man says something, really, really raunchy. And the town representative says, 'what do you call yourselves?' And the man says, 'The Aristocrats'. [...] I mean truly repulsive acts.
Michael Scott: That is a very, very funny story.
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Toby: Hey Jim!
Jim Halpert: Not now Toby! My God!
Michael Scott: Get the hell out of here, idiot.
Toby: [walking away] What did I do.
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Ryan: It wasn't personal.
Michael Scott: Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world.
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Michael Scott: Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as 'the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.' Well you know something? I think you guys are two medals. Gold medals.
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Michael Scott: Stripper? Can I ask you a question? About women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Stripper: Secrets, secrets, are no fun. Secrets, secrets, hurt someone.
Michael Scott: Wow... Thank you.
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Michael Scott: Today's a very special day for me. And it's really not about me. It's about my grandkids, it's about my great grandkids... I can come back here when I'm one hundred and I can find that piece of cement and say, "That's me. Look kids, your daddy left that face hole." I donno. It's a good feeling.
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Red Cross woman: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael Scott: No, Rose, they are not breathing. And, they have no arms or legs.
Red Cross woman: No that's not part of it.
Michael Scott: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin: I would wanna live with no legs.
Michael Scott: How 'bout no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin, you don't do anything.
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Michael Scott: There could be others. I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else.
Dwight Schrute: You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.
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Michael Scott: You've been X Punk'd! We were kidding! And, Ryan, Ryan, he was in on it...
Pam Beasley: You're a jerk!
Michael Scott: Well, I don't know about that...
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Michael Scott: You know, I'm starting to think that what happened in my office was an act of terrorism. It's the only thing that makes any sense.
Send "The Office Theme Song" Ringtone to your Cell
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Michael Scott: I wanted to start a company. Not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war, is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve. Apart from abolishing slavery. In that case, war was the right case. This doesn't seem as important though. That's just how the world works I guess.
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