Michael Scott Quotes From The Office
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| Michael Scott: | Just about everybody in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion. And... it is my first Valentines Day since Holly. So, I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love SHOVED into thier faces. |
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| Michael Scott: | Ryan, coffee. |
| Ryan: | I don't do that stuff anymore. |
| Michael Scott: | No, it's for me, Bimbo. [looks at camera] Kids. |
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| Michael Scott: | There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired. |
| Dwight Schrute: | What's that. |
| [Dwight closes the office door] | |
| Dwight Schrute: | Frame him. For using drugs. |
| Michael Scott: | Frame him? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Yeah. It's illegal, but, everything they do on The Shield is illegal. |
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| Michael Scott: | I call her 'Hillary Rodham Clinton'... not to her face. Well not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But yeah... |
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| Ryan: | You have to know how to work this. There is no excuse for this. |
| Michael Scott: | Yep. |
| Ryan: | I can get you a tutor if you need-- |
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| Jim Halpert: | Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets. |
| Michael Scott: | Mmm--well to be fair, Jim... James. Jimothy? [Jim nods] To be fair, Jimothy-- ah that sounds weird. Are you ok with being called Jim? |
| Jim Halpert: | I am. |
| Michael Scott: | Alright. Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets. At first we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets... and I think by the end we learned a little bit about how small we are. |
| Jim Halpert: | Yes, I agree, and-- |
| Michael Scott: | Because it's a big universe and we're all just little tiny specks, of dust. |
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| Michael Scott: | Yep. Yep, we hugged it out. But, it turns out I was still a little angry. So I felt I needed to punish him just a little bit more. And I'm making him do my laundry for a year. |
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| Darryl: | Come on Michael let me borrow the hat for just a couple of hours. |
| Michael Scott: | You wanna be Santa? Have you ever seen Santa? |
| Darryl: | Yeah, I've seen Santa. Who cares? |
| Michael Scott: | Well I'm sorry it just doesn't work. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Michael, I would like to be the elf. |
| Michael Scott: | That makes sense, because he has elfish features. |
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| Michael Scott: | To what do I owe this great honor David Wallace? |
| David Wallace: | Michael, I am calling to-- |
| Michael Scott: | ...and Gromit. |
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| Michael Scott: | Look at you. You are so mature, and old and... little man now. You're like our little man. |
| Kevin: | Little Old Man Boy. |
| Ryan: | Michael, everybody, um-- |
| Kevin: | Bearded Man Boy. |
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| Michael Scott: | [putting his shoes back on, talking to the camera crew] Well, I guess this is it. Hey will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. |
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| Oscar: | Do you know? |
| Michael Scott: | Do I know what? |
| Oscar: | I think you know. |
| Michael Scott: | Mm, no... |
| Phyllis: | Know what? |
| Pam Beesly: | Yeah, know what? |
| Oscar: | Does anyone happen to know what 15% of 4300 is? |
| Michael Scott: | 645 dollars. |
| Kevin: | Michael's a genius! |
| Oscar: | Why did you say dollars? |
| Michael Scott: | Because that is how my mind works. |
| Oscar: | What's 15% of 200? [Michael doesn't answer] Thank you. Everyone, Michael is returning the surplus so he can keep 15% as a bonus. |
| Jim Halpert: | Wait, what? |
| Pam Beesly: | You can do that? |
| Kevin: | Hey Michael, what's 394 times 5,912? |
| Michael Scott: | Let's see... |
| Pam Beesly: | You're gonna give yourself a bonus of $645 instead of getting the entire office something it really needs? |
| Michael Scott: | I don't need $645; I already have $645, more or less. |
| Oscar: | You're gonna get us a copier then? |
| Michael Scott: | This is so stupid. |
| Pam Beesly: | Or chairs? |
| Michael Scott: | This is so, so stupid. And, God... [looks at his watch] that's my phone. |
| Stanley: | I didn't hear a phone. |
| Michael Scott: | To be continued! |