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The Office Quotes (NBC) | Michael Scott Quotes

Michael Scott Quotes From The Office

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Michael Scott: Jim Halpert. Pros. Smart, cool, good looking. Remind you of anyone you know? Cons. Not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project and he can finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something.
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Dwight Schrute: I can't do this.
Michael Scott: That's because you're incapable of doing it. Because you don't know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
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Michael Scott: We have a crisis. Apparently a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it'd be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound, cream letter stock. 500 boxes has gone out with the image of a beloved cartoon duck performing unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan.
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Michael Scott: (to Holly) This is where I fell in love with you, and this is where I ask you to marry me.
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Michael Scott: Come on, that guy! [looks at camera] He's a good guy; not a terrorist.
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Michael Scott: Ok, so dig this. You're on the street, and one of your gang disses you.
Darryl: Oh my goodness.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Right. So what do you do to get 'em to make it right?
Darryl: Well see, um, in a gang world, we use something called fluffy fingers.
Michael Scott: What is that?
Darryl: That's when someone really gets in your face, you know you just, start ticklin' 'em.
Michael Scott: [pause] Really?
Darryl: Yeah. And he starts tickling you. And pretty soon you laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Y'all just go to church together, and get an ice cream cone.
Michael Scott: I would have never though that.. gangs would be tickling each other.
Darryl: Oh. It's effective.
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[Deleted scene]
Lawyer: Two years ago, when you quote "kissed and fondled in the Chili's parking lot" [Jan sighs and shakes her head], were you aware of company guidelines specifically discouraging that behavior?
Michael Scott: [with nervously awkward hesitance] Neh--nooo, nas.
Lawyer: I'm sorry. That's not a word.
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Michael Scott: Let's gangbang this thing and go home. Good?
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Michael Scott: There's always a distance between a boss and the employees, its just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly. It's the awareness that they are not me.
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Michael Scott: Now would you do me the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir?
[Dwight shuts off the light and stains appear everywhere with the blacklight]
Michael Scott: Woah. What are all those stains?
Dwight Schrute: Blood, urine or semen.
Michael Scott: God I hope it's urine.
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Michael Scott: I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA so... [pause] So, it's not the same thing at all.
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