Michael Scott Quotes From The Office

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Michael Scott: Your nephew... He in good shape?
Oscar: Yeah.
Michael Scott: How many miles did he do last year?
Oscar: Last year he walked 18 miles.
Michael Scott: Son of a bitch. [covering] That is impressive. Good for him.
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Andy: Oh! It appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He's gone to sleep now I closed his beak.
Michael Scott: [laughing alone]
Sweeny Todd: What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna?
Andy: [Andy gets a voicemail] You know what? Let me just double check, make sure that bird... Okay, good. It's off. I mean silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you Sweeny Todd! See it all connects. Not that I know you're a murderer, my character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you're a barber, so that's legit. So there's that. But...
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Michael Scott: [screaming into the office] I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!
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Phyllis: Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Spoiler Alert!
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Michael Scott: Ok. Ok. Hold on. Hold on. Tye, I would like you to crunch those numbers again.
Accountant: It's a program there's no such thing as--
Michael Scott: Just crunch 'em. Just crunch 'em please.
Accountant: [presses 'enter'] Crunch.
Pam Beesly: Did it help.
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Michael Scott: Ed's Tires. Why don't you tell them, that we have fewer clients, so that we can spend more time with each of them. Also, [reading from a Rolodex card] try to discuss it over Indian food, and try to mention how you distrust women.
Pam Beesly: I'm not going to do that.
Michael Scott: That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?
Ryan: I can get there.
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Michael Scott: Actually, it's polite to arrive early, and smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto, show up early, become a really good friend.
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Michael Scott: No, no. Holly, this isn't Ocean's Eleven, where you get together with all your friends and just have fun and don't care about how it turns out. What'd you really think, honestly?
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Michael Scott That's what the United States was bult on, big ideas, blue jeans, the Grand Canyon. Come, come up with some big ideas.
Pam Beesly Bigger than the Grand Canyon?
Kevin Ooh, an antacid that you take once a week!
Michael Scott Okay, once-a-week antacid is the thing to beat!
Kevin An antacid you take once every six months!
Stanley Why not go for the whole year?
Kevin That would be too big a pill to swallow.
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Ryan: And you got a goatee.
Michael Scott: I did!
Ryan: Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?
Michael Scott: Yess. Goooo tee!
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[Andy knocks on door and walks into Michael's office]
Andy: You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Have a seat.
Andy: Is it serious? [pauses] Wow. Andy's a wittle scarwed.
Michael Scott: [points at Andy] Right there is the problem. There have been reports around the office that you have been... talking baby talk.
Andy: Why would people say that?
Michael Scott: Well, I have it on good authority that you said the following. [hands Andy note card] Can you read that back to me?
Andy: "Andy have a boo-boo tummy."
Andy: Would you rather me say, 'Hey guys my irritable bowl syndrome is flaring up. Crazy diarrhea happening.' Cause things can get real adult real fast.
Michael Scott: You are also on record as saying 'Wittle-ittle, footy-wooty, numb-numbs, jammies make boom-boom widicowous and whode iwand.'
Andy: Do I sometimes replace r's with w's? Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do, Andy sowwy.
Michael Scott: You can't be a baby in the office. It makes me look like I hire babies.
Andy: Well, if we're complaning, a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying.
Michael Scott: Okay, who said that?
Andy: I... just people. For the record I think it's pretty fantastic.
Michael Scott: [impersonating Elvis] Well, thank you. Thank you a lot. And for what it's worth I think your baby voice is tops.
Andy: Tchank you Mr. Elphis.
Michael Scott: Your're welcome baby.
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Michael Scott: Ryan, coffee.
Ryan: I don't do that stuff anymore.
Michael Scott: No, it's for me, Bimbo. [looks at camera] Kids.
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