Michael Scott Quotes From The Office

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Dwight Schrute: We'll start our own paper company. The Shrute Bernard Lapin-Vance... Stanley Paper Company.
Michael Scott: I love it. I love this idea and I fully support you. As a matter of fact I am going to give you some seed money. [throws a crumpled bill at Phyllis' head] There you go, there's some seed money for you! And you can take it, no hard feelings, but if you stay I want an apology and I want a big one.
Stanley: You want us to apologize to you?
Michael Scott: Yes I do.
Andy: That's, completely backwards.
Michael Scott: It's completely frontwards.
Phyllis: Michael you thought you were attacking corporate but we were the ones who got hurt, you should be apologizing to us.
Dwight, Andy and Stanely: That's right.
Phyllis: Michael, you always said we were a family. Then you went after us.
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Michael Scott: You know what they say the best medicine is.
Kevin: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dacarbazine.
Michael Scott: And... laughter, also.
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Michael Scott: Prove it. Let's see your penis! I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth I knew that it was wrong.
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Michael Scott: That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange-vod-juice-ka.
Jim Halpert: [takes a sip] Wow that is delicious. I can't believe no one's thought of that before.
Michael Scott: I know!
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Michael Scott: If I were joking you would be laughing. Do you look like you're laughing?
Dwight Schrute: Impossible to say, I can't see myself.
Michael Scott: You're not.
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Michael Scott: That? In the conference room? We were joshin' around, the two of us. And he said, "did I stutter?" And I said, "wu-wu-wu-wu-whhhat dawg?" It was joking, Toby, alright?
Toby: He didn't seem like he was joking.
Michael Scott: Well you don't get it. Because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man and you're... you. If you had any friends, you would understand. Friends joke with one another. "Hey, um, you're poor." "Well hey, your mom is dead." That's what friends do. It's... you're so white.
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Darryl: Shh! If we don't listen to the overture, we won't recognize the musical themes when they come back later.
Michael Scott: All right, I'm sorry.
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Michael Scott: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, 'Uh, no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.'
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Michael Scott: Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime, and you could tell me... how you do that to another dude.
Oscar: That sounds like a great, wonderful idea. Let's do that.
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Michael Scott: Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing and television. And hamburgers. And to walk upright. And to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice, wood desk. I don't need fresh air. Because I have the freshest air around. A/C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. [turns monitor] I can also make it the sky.
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Michael Scott: What would you like for Christmas little boy?
Kevin: I don't know. I didn't know you were gonna ask me that.
Michael Scott: What did you think was going to happen?
Kevin: I don't know. Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.
Michael Scott: Alright, just say "some toys" please.
Kevin: Can you give me some choices? Cause I really don't want to mess up on this list.
Michael Scott: Damn it Kevin, come on.
Kevin: What about if I tell you the things I DON'T want.
Michael Scott: Okay get off, get off! Oh! Oh, God!
Kevin: I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted!
Michael Scott: Okay you know what you get? A thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again.
Kevin: Awesome.
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Michael Scott: Let’s get our shower on! Conference room. Choppity chip chop.
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