I don't mind telling you I have an addiction. I do. To porn.
[collective sighs from everyone in the office]
Alright, no no no. No. That is-- the image, I think we can all agree, is very disgusting but you know what? Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?
I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
[cut to talking head]
There are several ways to kill a zombie. But the most satisfying one, is to stab it in the brain, with a wooden stick.
When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was Puke. I would chug a fifth of So Co, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-o shots, do some body shots off myself... Pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more So Co, head to class. Probably would've got expelled if I had've let it affect my grades but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz.
As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.
An intervention, it's sort of hard to describe but really it's a coming-together-- it's a surprise party! For people, who are-- who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop.
[about Dwight's doll-selling scheme] That's the Christmas spirit.
I am simply punishing those parents that would wait until the last minute to give their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that [points to the doll's horn] How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?
Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year, it's a doll: half girl, half unicorn. Catch phrase: [reading box] "my horn can pierce the sky." Pathetic. [scoffs] I bought out every store in the area over the past couple of weeks, and, as lazy parents become more desperate, I will sell them, at an enormous profit. Isn't that right, princess?
You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish. But you know what my wishes never come true. So I'm not going to wish that on her. I... a watch would be nice.
Oh I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to a formal letter.
This is the first Christmas party I'm throwing as part of the party planning committee. The theme is "night in Morocco." This isn't your grandmother's Christmas party. Unless of course she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate.
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