[to everyone] What if we all get together, and help each other hire a new guy and we all kill him, but first we take out like a hundred thousand dollar life insurance policy on him. I bet you guys like that idea, don't you?
[to camera] I think that's what they're doing to me. I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces when I said it... I learned nothing.
You know, a lot of people say that if you dig long enough and hard enough, you will get to China, and that may be true. But what they don't tell you is that if you dig long enough and hard enough in a conversation, you get to a friend.
Ok everyone, I want you all to imagine a world in which America is not the number one superpower. Where forks are irrelevant. And where every man, woman, and child is expected to learn how to play the cello. Now open your eyes.
[to camera] There was a time when the only people who texted you were people you wanted to text you: Girls. And they'd all say the same thing: "I'm comin' over, baby". And I would text back, "BTB". Bring That Booty.
Moving is one the most stressful things you can do in your life. You'll probably take it out on your kid. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart. And twenty years from now, Cece will be famous. For stripping.
That's a sad story. I have another one. We move, the other tenants follow. The bank takes the building, takes your farm, takes your car, and beats the crap out of you. Penniless, you die, and my daughter dances on your grave. Fully clothed.
[to camera] Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war unfortunately, but I'm using the same tactics: I've surrounded the enemy and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity, I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's all a part of my "Green Intitiative". And by green, I mean money.
They say the best vampires don't bleed their victims dry, but give them the strength so that they can bounce back only to be fed on again. I spared Pam, and I may feast off of her profits for years to come. I let Pam win. Haha, oh. I was not motivated by compassion. I have no compassion. Make sure you got that. Not motivated by compassion.
Twenty minutes a day Jim, that's all it takes. Twenty minutes a day, all feet, no hands and I'll have the pedi-dexterity of a chimp, and you'll be sitting there like an idiot. [attempts to place pencil in pencil sharpener] Okay. Here we go. Ah, yes. [accidentally kicks items from his desk onto Pam's]
Do you mind?
I'm sorry Pam, allow me to write you an apology letter.
You don't have to do that.
[typing with his toes] D-E-A. Oop, backspace. A. Dear.
[whistling, places cup of coffee onto Dwight's desk] Ahh, Thank you hands. Nothing else in the universe can do what you do.
[lifts cup up with toes]
Oh, don't worry about it. Dwight, its okay. You were wrong.
Pam, I am not an unreasonable man. If you guys stay, I will stop watering down the soap.
You've been watering down the soap?
Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom?
We need everything back the way it was.
You don't wanna move. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. You'll probably just take it out on your kid. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart, and twenty five years from now, Cece will become world famous... for stripping.
That's a sad story. I have another one. We move, the other tenants follow, the bank takes the building, takes your farm, takes your car and beats the crap out of you. Penniless, you die, and my daughter Cece dances on your grave... fully clothed. [lights turn off, Pam and Dwight begin to wave their arms to alert the sensor]
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