The Office Season 1 Quotes - Pilot
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| Michael Scott: | Am I going to tell them? No, I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | You can't do that |
| Jim Halpert: | Why not? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Safety violation. I could fall and pierce... an organ. |
| Jim Halpert: | [crosses fingers] We'll see. |
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| Michael Scott: | Thank you very much sir! You are a gentleman and a scholar. ...Oh. I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. My mistake. ...That was a woman I was talking to. She has a very low voice. Probably a smoker. |
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| Michael Scott: | People I respect... heroes of mine would be, Bob Hope. Umm, Abraham Lincoln definitely. Bono... and probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think, all those people helped, the world in so many ways that it's umm really beyond words. It's incalcucable. |
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| Jim Halpert: | [after Dwight's stapler was put in Jello] Dwight, I'm sorry because, I've always been your biggest flan. |
| Michael Scott: | [laughing] Oh! Nice! See, that's the way it is around here. It just kinda goes round and round. |
| Ryan: | You, uh, you should have put him in custardy. |
| Michael Scott: | Oh! HEY! HEY! YES! NEW GUY! AND HE SCORES! |
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| Michael Scott: | People say I'm the best boss. They go, 'God, we've never worked in a place like this. You're hilarious, and you get the best out of us.' [lifts up 'World's Best Boss' coffee mug] Um, I think that pretty much sums it up. [pauses] I found it at Spencer Gifts. |
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| Michael Scott: | My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No, no no. It was a young Guatamalan guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me, and said, 'Mr. Scott, will you be, the Godfather to my child?' Wow... wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | I've been recommending downsizing since I got here. I even brought it up in my interview. |
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| Jim Halpert: | So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because, as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs. |
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| Michael Scott: | [phone rings during meeting] Oh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Mind if I take it? [answers with speakerphone] Pac-Man. |
| Todd Packer: | Hey you big queen. Is old Godzillary coming in today? |
| Michael Scott: | I don't, uh-- |
| Todd Packer: | Look I've been meaning to ask her one question... does the carpet match the drapes? |
| Michael Scott: | [hangs up] Oh my God. Oh that's horrifying. Horrible, horrible person. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Are you gonna discipline him or not? |
| Michael Scott: | Oooh, discipline! Kinky! |
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| Michael Scott: | I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third. |
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| Ryan: | I don't think Michael has ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone has ever offered him any. |
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| Michael Scott: | Any messages? |
| Pam Beesly: | Yeah, just a fax. |
| Michael Scott: | Pam, this is from corporate. |
| Pam Beesly: | I know. |
| Michael Scott: | How many times have I told you there's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate? |
| Pam Beesly: | You haven't told me-- |
| Michael Scott: | It's called the waste paper basket! |
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| Michael Scott: | I call her 'Hillary Rodham Clinton'... not to her face. Well not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But yeah... |
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| Michael Scott: | I don't know about you, Jan, but downsizing is a bitch! It is a real bitch! |
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| Michael Scott: | This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago. |
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| Michael Scott: | Waaaaazzuuuuupppp!!! |
| Jim Halpert: | Waazuup. I still love that, after seven years. |
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| Pam Beesly: | I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might- I just- I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. Um. I like to do illustrations. Mostly watercolor, a few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good! |
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| Jim Halpert: | How is this not a pyramid scheme? |
| Michael Scott: | Alright, let me explain again. [Drawing on white board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now we are getting 3 people each. The more people that get involved, the more money we each are going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, its not even a scheme persay, its-- |
| Jim Halpert: | [Draws pyramid around Michael's drawing] |
| Michael Scott: | I have to go make a call. |
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| Andy: | Will you marry me? |
| Angela: | Okay. |
| Andy: | Say it into the microphone. |
| Angela: | I said OKAY! |
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| Andy: | [Erin hits vollyball out] Are you blind?!?! Are you blind? [Erin, looking upset shakes head] Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger. |
| Guy with glasses: | These are expensive Ray-bans, jackass. |
| Andy: | Okay. I was just looking out for you. [to Erin]: You're doing great, by the way. |
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| Kevin: | My money's on Pam. |
| Oscar: | It's not a fight. What other outcome could there be? |
| Kevin: | Michael could win. |
| Oscar: | How? He can't hit back! |
| Kevin: | Why can't you just agree with me sometimes?! |
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