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Dwight Schrute: Thank you, Mr. Scofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh
[looks down to read the business card notes] and tell me, um. How's your gay son?
[pause] Excuse me? [awkward silence]
[cut to Michael's talking head]
Michael Scott: I color code all my info. I wrote gay son in green. Green means go. So I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange, means orange you glad you didn't bring it up. Most colors mean don't say it.
[cuts back to Scofield's office]
Dwight Schrute: How is, uh, Tom. The homosexual sophomore?
Pam Beesly: Michael are you alright?
Michael Scott: It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told 'em.
Pam Beesly: Tell us what you're talking about.
Michael Scott: It's like a girl says she'll make out with you but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon.
Pam Beesly: We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened.
Michael Scott: I got hit in the face with a pee-filled balloon, Pam! Ok? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I donno! Is that clear enough for you!
Charles Miner: Michael I want you to stop pestering my salesmen and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone do you understand?
Michael Scott: I. Understand. Nothing.
Michael Scott: I want you listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you. And I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients. And then I am going to kill them in front of you.
Pam Beesly: Michael!
Michael Scott: I'm just getting hardcore.
Michael Scott: Yes. And hear me Dwight. When I say I took you into this world, and I can take you out.
[hangs up] Bill Cosby.
Michael Scott: I really appreciate it.
[slips some bills into Dwight's hand]
Dwight Schrute: Thanks Michael-- wait, w-what is this?
Michael Scott: It's for your trouble.
Dwight Schrute: I don't need
[looks at the bills] six dollars to help a friend.
Michael Scott: No, no, listen, as a friend--
Dwight Schrute: Michael you know I can't take this
[hands it back]
Michael Scott: Yes... I do.
[starts turning away]
Dwight Schrute: But don't forget you owe me ten dollars.
Michael Scott: It was four years ago why don't you let it go?
Michael Scott: What about our truce?
Dwight Schrute: I broke it.
Michael Scott: On purpose?
Dwight Schrute: Yes!
Michael Scott: Why?
Dwight Schrute: You think this is some kind of game? No. This is a war. I will not stop I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!
Michael Scott: Be that as it may, I have your... meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
Dwight Schrute: And I knew that you would do that. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
[choking on his bite] Ah! Bastard!
[Holding a business card from Michael's Rolodex] And on the back, he wrote, "great salesman, better friend." [shakes his head and shows the card] Tall and beats.
Dwight Schrute: When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just, a lot going on. So what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries. And in the chaos, I soared.
Andy: Hey Jim!
[throws down lunch on table] I just blew a sales call.
Andy: Bro. I do that all the time.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, well, with you it's different, ok? Cause I just... I just suck. I SUCK!
Andy: Tuna, be nice to my friend Jim, ok?
Jim Halpert: Why? When I look in the mirror I don't even like the face that looks back.
Andy: Well, so what? Your body's a ten.
Jim Halpert: Just forget it.
Jim Halpert: Just forget it!
[throws a tantrum as he leaves the room]
[on the phone] And say hello to, uh, Sherri, who is your... [reads card] black wife!
Dwight Schrute: You needed to speak to me?
Charles Miner: Dwight, take a seat.
Dwight Schrute: I prefer to stand. Less blood clots.
Charles Miner: Naw. That's weird. You can just sit.
Jim Halpert: It's just that Pam gets me through the day, you know? I really rely on her. I'm pretty emotionally needy.
Andy: And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be, your, traveling pants.
Michael Scott: Dwight hit a bear. He'll be here in a sec.
Pam Beesly: Things are a little slow here. And there's only so much cold calling you can do in a day... Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face.
[off screen] Hup!
[Pam catches an incoming cheese puff in her mouth]
Pam Beesly: We're getting pretty good at it.
Jim Halpert: Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela but then she was sleeping with Dwight for... several years. Wait, no that's can't be right.
Pam Beesly: The timeline's messy.
[Andy plays his a capella group's rendition of "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon]
Pam Beesly: I'm confused. Am I walking down the aisle to "You Can Call Me Al"?
Andy: Trust me you will not be walking, you will be bogeying.
Jim Halpert: I am extremely interested. So, how much would all this cost?
Andy: Well twelve guys, airfare, three nights in a hotel, food per diem, table up front for merch... Nine, thousand dollars.
Pam Beesly: I donno it seems like a lot for an a capella group from a college we never went to.
Andy: Did you even hear the music I just played for you.
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Ed's Tires. Why don't you tell them, that we have fewer clients, so that we can spend more time with each of them. Also,
[reading from a Rolodex card] try to discuss it over Indian food, and try to mention how you distrust women.
Pam Beesly: I'm not going to do that.
Michael Scott: That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?
Ryan: I can get there.
Michael Scott: Someone could say, it is like the situation that we are in now.
Dwight Schrute: It is the situation we are in now.
Michael Scott: So I would say, that the old boss has always been good to Dwight, and he was there first, so he has dibs. You respect dibs don't you?
Dwight Schrute: I'm not a barbarian.
Michael Scott: Good. Will you meet me in twenty minutes at the spot.
Dwight Schrute: I will.
Michael Scott: Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Is the cool new guy Charles?
Dwight Schrute: I've said too much.
Michael Scott: Is it Stanley?
Dwight Schrute: Hi there Dwight Schrute here. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs.
[turning over business card] And how is "Brenda age four, ponytail and Simon age seven"? [laughing] Oh! You don't say!
Michael Scott: I wanted to start a company. Not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war, is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve. Apart from abolishing slavery. In that case, war was the right case. This doesn't seem as important though. That's just how the world works I guess.
Dwight Schrute: Imagine, someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then there's this new guy. Very cool, very Will Smith-esque, who would not like it if he helped his hero.
Michael Scott: Personal hero, cool new guy. Ok I think I'm getting your drift.
Dwight Schrute: Good, so you see what I'm saying.
Michael Scott: Crystal clear. So is this for a movie you're writing?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: Can I use it?
Andy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.
[about messing with Andy] I was going to use today to purge my inbox, but now something much more pressing has come up.
Michael Scott: I need you to get the prices that you're charging Ed's Tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin.
Dwight Schrute: I don't know that I can do that now. You know, something's come up.
Michael Scott: Oh n-- is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?
Dwight Schrute: No, Mose is fine, I roped it off.
[to Andy] It's so scary how right the things you say are.