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Dwight Schrute: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because, I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment? The email?
Michael Scott: You know what Toby, when the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country! Ok?
Michael Scott: Well apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, you- that would be chaos.
Oscar: It sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme.
Michael Scott: Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!
Jan: I'm returning your call. You said it was urgent?
Michael Scott: It is urgent. I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.
Jan: Today's not my birthday, though.
Michael Scott: Really? 'Cause I thought we had the same birthday.
[pause] Happy birthday, Michael.
Dwight Schrute: Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment, when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal.
Michael Scott: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
Toby: Happy birthday!
Michael Scott: You didn't know it was my birthday.
Toby: I guess I forgot.
Michael Scott: Well I guess I forgot to give you a donut.
Toby: You're serious?
Michael Scott: Mmm.
Michael Scott: You know what they say the best medicine is.
Kevin: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dacarbazine.
Michael Scott: And... laughter, also.
Michael Scott: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin, um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking, uh, the next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it.
Jim Halpert: Something to think about.
Jim Halpert: So... we got Kev some stuff. Um, party pack of M&Ms, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and he lent it to Creed so I can guarantee he won't get that back.
Pam Beasley: 69 Cup-of-Noodles.
Jim Halpert: Which we realize sounds crass, but it is his favorite number.
Pam Beasley: And his favorite lunch.
Pam Beasley: If I knew I had a week to live, I would... probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And I would wanna see the Pacific Ocean... It would be a pretty busy week.
Dwight Schrute: Ok that is not an eight foot sub.
Delivery guy: Ah we don't make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs.
Dwight Schrute: F.
Dwight Schrute: What about, that meeting, later? To discuss finances.
[whispering] But don't expect any cookie.
Dwight Schrute: But what if I'm hungry.
Angela: No cookie.
Dwight Schrute: Question. May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?
Michael Scott: Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working 24/7 all day yesterday.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but you're on the road so much, you have no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.
Michael Scott: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids. And I got a really bad rash. From the pony. And all the kids got to ride the pony. And I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me, for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck and around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.
Dwight Schrute: That suit is amazing.
Michael Scott: Thank you very much, it is from Italy-- actually
[checks inside of blazer] no, Bulgaria.
Dwight Schrute: Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by.
Pam Beasley: Michael wants a stripper-o-gram?
Dwight Schrute: Yes. But he doesn't want to know when, or whom.
[after blowing out his candles]
Michael Scott: I asked for trick candles.
Dwight Schrute: Pam was supposed to get 'em.
Michael Scott: Ok. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again.
Michael Scott: I think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.
Kevin: If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy.
Michael Scott: Well you're pretty much driving everybody else here crazy. Crazy with worry.
Oscar: Skin cancer, is treatable.
Oscar: It's gonna be ok.
Angela: You don't know it's going to be ok. Don't give him false hope.
[Oscar and Kevin stare at Angela] Probably nothing, though.
Pam Beasley: Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know. It was a good day.
Michael Scott: Calling cards are the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.
Ryan: Who uses calling cards anymore?
[Dwight is playing the recorder for Michael]
Michael Scott: Stop it. Stop! What is that?
Dwight Schrute: It's 'For The Longest Time' by William Joel. It's your favorite song.
Dwight Schrute: Happy birth moment, Michael.
[at the arena]
Michael Scott: Carol? She sold me my condo. Hey! Was this place on the market or?
Carol: Ah, no, I don't just sell real estate.
Dwight Schrute: Hey Temp, you know, uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left.
Ryan: Someone ate three feet of that thing?
Dwight Schrute: Hell ya. Save room for ice cream cake.
Michael Scott: Fun fact: I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice breaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.
Dwight Schrute: Yes! There he is, the birthday boy!
Michael Scott: Oh God!
Dwight Schrute: Birthday hug!