Posted: 2571 Quotes from The Office
The Office Season 5 Quotes - Business Ethics
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| Jim Halpert: | He has not stopped working... for a second. At 12:45, he sneezed, while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32 he peed. And I know that because he did that in an open soda bottle, under the desk, while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I've been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work. It's exhausting, being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today. |
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| Jim Halpert: | By any chance did you see Battlestar Gallactica? |
| Andy: | No I did not. Was that any good? |
| Jim Halpert: | Actually not. It was really so-so. [holds up stopwatch to Dwight] I mean I like all the crazy monsters and stuff, you know like Klingons and Wookies and all that but-- Sorry was, there something you wanted to add Dwight? |
| Andy: | Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica. |
| Jim Halpert: | You what's weird? It's practically a shot for shot remake. |
| Andy: | Really? Huh. Cool. |
| Jim Halpert: | The story's kind of bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calamazin and he has to return the ring back to Mordor. |
| Andy: | [pause] That doesn't sound right... |
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| Jim Halpert: | Everybody, just wanted to make an announcment. Pam and I are engaged. |
| Pam Beesly: | [over phone] Hi everyone! |
| Oscar: | I thought you were already engaged. |
| Jim Halpert: | Nope. |
| Angela: | That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy. |
| Jim Halpert: | Thank you, Angela. |
| Kevin: | I got a gift for Pam and Roy, do I have to get another one? |
| Jim Halpert: | Yes. |
| Andy: | Little close to my engagement there, Tuna. What's your game here? |
| Jim Halpert: | To get married. |
| Dwight Schrute: | She's not a virgin you know. |
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| Andy: | [during the meeting] I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family. [oscar waits] Boom! |
| Oscar: | Exactly, Andy. |
| Andy: | Yeah. I took Intro to Philosophy, twice! No big deal. |
| Dwight Schrute: | It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male. |
| Andy: | No that's... not how it works. |
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| Holly: | Can anyone think of things that are over-the-line time wasters? |
| Stanley: | This meeting. |
| Andy: | Heyo! [muddled laughter] |
| Michael Scott: | [to Holly, matter-of-factly] Can't set 'em up like that. |
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| Michael Scott: | How do you tell someone, that you care about, deeply, I told you so. Gently? With a rose? In a funny way? Like it's a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go. Because saying it would just make it worse. [...] Probably the funny way. |
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| Michael Scott: | When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I watched Cookie Monster sing Chocolate Rain about a thousand times. |
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| Ryan: | Ok. Elephant in the room! Let's talk about it. Do I regret what I did? Of course I do. Even though it was an amazing ride and I'll give you an example. Anyone see Survivor, Season 6? [Dwight raises his hand] Anyone know Joanna on that show? In New York city, I hooked up with a girl that looked exactly like that. Indistinguishable. So. |
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| Oscar: | Once, once one in a while, I, I'll take a long lunch break. |
| Michael Scott: | A siesta! |
| Dwight Schrute: | Time thief! Time thief! Fire him! |
| Jim Halpert: | Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Never! |
| Michael Scott: | You are a thief of joy. |
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| Meredith: | Maybe it's a girl thing... But after we did it, and he gave me those coupons, I just felt good about myself. |
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| Jim Halpert: | 19 minutes and 48 seconds. What were we doing for 19 minutes and 48 seconds-- |
| Dwight Schrute: | None of your business. |
| Jim Halpert: | So I can we can assume that was... personal? |
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| Michael Scott: | [walks in and Jim announced him and Pam are engaged] What's going on? |
| Pam Beesly: | [over the speakerphone] No, nothing. Nothing, Michael. Just saying hi. |
| Creed: | The tall guy got engaged. |
| Michael Scott: | [to Jim] To be married?! |
| Jm Halpert: | Yep. |
| [Michael hurls himself at Jim with enough force to knock Jim onto the ground with a thud] | |
| Pam Beesly: | Sorry. |
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| Holly: | It's been a little tense. People are suspicious of me, and my best friend in the office won't even talk to me. Turns out being the morality police does not make you popular. I should know because in middle school I was the hall monitor and the kids used to stuff egg salad in my locker. I was just hoping middle school was over. |
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| Holly: | Let's start discussing those questionaires that you filled in this morning. 'It is wrong to make personal calls during work hours.' Now some of you marked that you Very Strongly Agree. Ideally you would've selected Totally Agree. |
| Phyllis: | I thought Very Strongly Agree sounded stronger than Totally Agree. |
| Holly: | Corporate would like to emphasize that, ideally, you would all totally agree with that statement. |
| Michael Scott: | Well, I think that we can all totally agree that Holly is fantastic. |
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| Meredith: | I'll go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Myers? The Scranton rep for Hammermill? |
| Michael Scott: | BRRRRUUUCCCEEEE. |
| Meredith: | Well for the past six years I have been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates. |
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| Michael Scott: | Why are you helping her? You're not even dating her. She's my friend, and ultimately, my strategy is to merge this into a relationship without her even knowing. |
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| Michael Scott: | I will be honest with you, that car ride did not go well. And that was not my fault. The only reason I am standing out here right now is because I don't want to take the elevator with her. And I'm holding onto her leftovers. [throws leftovers in trash] |
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| Michael Scott: | I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend performance. I mean, what sort of place is that to call home? And Meredith needs this job, it's her only source of money. |
| Holly: | Well that's very sweet, but we have to follow the protocol. Those are the rules. |
| Michael Scott: | OK new idea, we don't report her at all. We just punish her. |
| Holly: | We punish her? |
| Michael Scott: | Tell her, can't have sex for 6 months. |
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| Holly: | Excuse me. May I have everyone's attention please. We need to finish the ethics seminar. |
| Andy: | No way lady. |
| Kevin: | It's a trap. |
| Holly: | Everyone please, I just need your signatures to show corporate I gave you the training. |
| Meredith: | Don't sign anything. |
| Michael Scott: | Ok everyone listen up, if you're not in that conference room in 2 minutes I am going to kill you. |
| Stanley: | It's a quarter to 5 and I've already started to gather my things. |
| Michael Scott: | Get in there right now or I am going to loose it! |
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| Michael Scott: | [whispering seriously to Holly] People, expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter, sudden twists, surprise endings. You need to meet Robin Williams and M. Night Shamalhin. You need to be Robin Shamahin. |
| Holly: | I just have to get through the binder. |
| Michael Scott: | You're- just- you're kinda losing them. |
| Holly: | I am? |
| Michael Scott: | Yeah. Don't, think about the stakes. They'll freak you out. |
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| Michael Scott: | Anyway, I was giving it some thought, and there's no reason that two, attractive, good-looking, intelligent, attractive people, can't, you know, just sit down and work this whole Meredith thing out. |
| Holly: | Sounds good. |
| Michael Scott: | Good. [pause] Would you care to bang it out over lunch? |
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