Mmm--well to be fair, Jim... James. Jimothy? [Jim nods] To be fair, Jimothy-- ah that sounds weird. Are you ok with being called Jim?
Alright. Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets. At first we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets... and I think by the end we learned a little bit about how small we are.
Yes, I agree, and--
Because it's a big universe and we're all just little tiny specks, of dust.
Look it doesn't take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. [shakes head] Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be, without the popes.
I deserved that promotion, not Jim. It makes me want to put him in a triangle chokehold, and force him down to the ground and just keep pressing and pressing [getting progressively louder] and then flip him over and put him in a hammerlock! And he's gasping! He's panicking. Every last breath! And the crowd is going crazy. And boom! I emerge victorious! [stands up] Ah-ha! Eighteen thousand dollars and a chance at the title! Whewhaa!
People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. It's great. Eventually they'll rise up and revolt. My only hope is they do it sooner rather than later. If people here were our founding fathers the Revolutionary War would've been delayed ten years. Because Stanley Washington was napping. And Phyllis Hancock was still signing the Declaration. And Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.
I love rivalries. Michael or Jim. Paris or Nicole. Heidi or LC. It's so much fun. But, I guess if I'm really thinking about it and answering your question honestly, I'd have to go with LC. Heidi's a bad friend. And her skin, is terrible.
I've been studying Michael for years and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart. [holds up pie chart] "How Michael Spends His Time." You can see we have "procrastinating," and "distracting others," and this tiny sliver here, is "critical thinking." I made it bigger. So that you could see it.
Are we idiots? What right, does Jim have to claim authority? Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as matronly as Phyllis? There are moments where we can affect change. For a few seconds every decade... We exist. These are those seconds! Let us storm his castle. Come on! (Tick.) Let's get him. (Tock.) Let's get Jim! (Tick.) And drag Jim out of his office. (Tock.) Take his keys away from him! (Tick!) That's a clock! The time is getting very close. It's now or never. [screams] What say you!
[laughing, taking over from Jim] That was good. Ok, alright. Well, we all know it's hard to be a boss, right? You know what? Look around you. These are your best friends. These are the people! Who will open their hearts, to you. They, all, have heart-ons for you. [Angela gives a sigh of disgust off camera] And that is a gift. So in terms of gifts, we should be giving each other gifts. Angela, yes, lend Oscar a cup of sugar.
What are you talking about! Michael!
We just need to hear your plan for our raise.
My plan... A man. Panama.
That's not how that goes.
You're not saying anything. At least Jim was being direct--
Thank you, Meredith.
When he was telling us his dumb-ass plan.
We would just like to know what's happening. Are we getting a raise. Yes, or no.
Alright let me get this clear. Does everybody want a raise?
Alright everyone wants a raise so what we're going to do is go into here, and we will not come out until we do.
Again that gives us no information.
[as Jim and Michael enter the conference room] This isn't a game you know it's our livelihoooood!
[after asking all her co-workers for cash and getting a check from Kevin]
Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. [looks down at the check] Oh look! "Mrs. Pam Halpert!" That's the first time I've seen it in writing!
Each Boston baked bean represents half a percent raise. We each got 24 beans, so the idea is you place the bean on the picture [walking around the table] of who you think deserv...Who's that? [Pointing to a hand drawn picture that looks like a monster]
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