The Office Season 5 Quotes - Weight Loss

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113
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[SPOILERS BELOW]
Pam Beesly: [yelling over the rain] Hey! This is not halfway! I did that math, I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would've been closer so you have to buy lunch.
[Jim gets down on one knee]
Pam Beesly: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: I just... couldn't wait.
Pam Beesly: Oh my God.
Jim Halpert: Pam, will you marry me?
Pam Beesly: Oh my God.
Jim Halpert: So?
Pam Beesly: [nodding head] Yes.
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70
likes
Andy: Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them. Because they're unfair.
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56
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Angela: [yelling at Kevin] Listen, Dummy! It's not that hard! All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet. A GD monkey could do it. I do not understand why you can't do it.
Holly: No! You DO NOT talk to him like that.
Angela: But he's an idiot.
Kevin: Hey.
Holly: He is not an idiot--
Kevin: Thank you, Holly.
Holly: --he is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.
Kevin: Wait back up. Do you think that I'm retarded?
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53
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Jim Halpert: I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years. And eventually declare my love for her.
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41
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Jim Halpert: See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, maybe there's something wrong with you?
Michael Scott: If it's me, then society made me that way.
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36
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Dwight Schrute: Wait a minute! One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow it.
Jim Halpert: [to Michael] Really? Nothing?
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33
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Jim Halpert: When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father... by telling us that he was the father.
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30
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Michael Scott: I think you'll have fun because, men from Scranton are handsome and know how to show a woman a good time.
Dwight Schrute: Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also, Kevin.
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29
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Michael Scott: What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went-- I once went twenty-eight years without having sex. And then again for seven years.
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29
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Ryan: Jim. I wanted to apologize, for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself, and now that I've quit the rat race I realize there's so much more to live than being the youngest VP in the company's history. I've even started, um, volunteering. Giving back to the community.
Jim Halpert: That's great. [shakes Ryan's hand] You're talking about your court-ordered community service?
Ryan: I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Jim Halpert: But he did right?
Ryan: Alright.
Jim Halpert: Alright.
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28
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Dwight Schrute: This is what I'm gonna do. I'm going to randomly select three names, and these three people will get liposuction. Ughhhh. Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.
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26
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Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then, after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
Creed: That wasn't a tapeworm.
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25
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Dwight Schrute: [to Pam] Fax this for me.
Jim Halpert: Come on, man, she goes to New York in like ten minutes.
Dwight Schrute: It's not going to take her ten minutes to fax it, Jim. If I don't see you again, good-bye. Well, actually I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation so, never mind.
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25
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Michael Scott: We're all going to die, of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
Jim Halpert: I would like to lose 65 pounds.
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24
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Andy: Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.
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24
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Michael Scott: Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country.
Dwight Schrute: Shotgun weddings.
Jim Halpert: That's not what that is.
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23
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Jim Halpert: I can't believe I'm saying this but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.
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21
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Oscar: If you're into yoga, I take a great Bikram class in Dixon City.
Holly: Thanks I should check that out.
Oscar: Also, and no pressure, the teacher, he's a catch.
Holly: Actually I'm a lesbian.
Oscar: I'm gay!
Holly: [nervously] I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that. Stupid joke...
Oscar: What's the joke?
Holly: N-- there is no joke. I just said it because I... haven't had much luck lately and I'm not really looking to date so... Maybe I should switch to women.
Oscar: Oh you think it's a choice?
Holly: [pause] I'm gonna head back to my work area to...
Oscar: [laughing] I'm messing with you, Holly.
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20
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Jim Halpert: How much weight have you lost, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: I am hardly the problem, Jim.
Jim Halpert: No you're definitely the problem.
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19
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Phyllis: I wonder what people like about me... [pause] Probably my jugs.
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18
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Ryan: And you got a goatee.
Michael Scott: I did!
Ryan: Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?
Michael Scott: Yess. Goooo tee!
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18
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Michael Scott: No, no, no. I don't wanna hear moaning. This is a good day. You guys accomplished something big. You lost a ton of weight, literally. A lot of weight. And I don't care what any stupid scale says, you guys are all gigantic losers.
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16
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Jim Halpert: Why haven't I proposed yet. Uh, actually, Pam and I talked about it. And we just decided that, um, well we didn't want to spend the first three months of our engagement apart. And Pam's always said she doesn't want a long engagement. Something in her past I guess. No really sure of the whole story but something about a guy who used to work here...
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16
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Angela: I have a nice comforter, a few cozy pillows, I usually read a chapter of a book and it's lights out by 8:30. THAT'S HOW I SLEEP AT NIGHT.
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16
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Dwight Schrute: [to Phyllis] I apologize for creating a ruse which caused you to exercise.
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15
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Michael Scott: It's my sumo suit. I just didn't inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented.
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15
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Meredith: [about Kelly] I like her nails.
Michael Scott: Be more specific.
Meredith: I like her FINGER nails.
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15
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Phyllis: [slams door] Are you insane?
Andy: Hey hey, what happened?
Phyllis: There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse 5 miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk back with no purse and no phone.
Dwight Schrute: And you burned over a thousand calories walking home, and this branch just got little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance ladies and gentlemen! [Dwight claps]
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14
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Pam Beesly: [over Jim's laptop in the conference room] New York is so exciting. I love my classes, it's awesome. Can you give me back to Jim now please?
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14
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Kevin: Fire-d guy.
Ryan: Heyy, Kevin.
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14
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Ryan: I wanted to say I'm sorry, for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid-twenties and I was.. going through a lot of stuff. I think I never really processed 9/11. I want you to know I've changed.
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14
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Jim Halpert: I just spent two hours listening to Michael Clump. I have a pain in my side that I'm pretty sure is an ulcer. My girlfriend's in New York, and I haven't seen her in 10 days. How's your summer?
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12
likes
Kevin: How's the candle game?
Jan: Oh, great. Yeah. Serenity by Jan is kicking ass, and taking names. You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil.
Kevin: Cool. Thank God they found her too.
Jan: Oh they found her?
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11
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Darryl: Well you lost, zero pounds. No change. On the brighter side, you've gained zero pounds.
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11
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Michael Scott: Why? What makes her beautiful? [about Kelly]
Ryan: [standing up] Everything. She's perfect.
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10
likes
Pam Beesly: Tomorrow I start a three month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York. I will be a little fish in the Big Apple... What up 2-1-2!
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10
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Phyllis: Yes, uh, I've replaced Angela as head of the party planning committee. [flash back to catching Angela and Dwight] I guess I was just in the right place at the right time.
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10
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Michael Scott: Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, why are you dressed in a plus size suit.
Kevin: Because you're kind of doing Michael Clump.
Michael Scott: Wh- how do you know Michael Clump?
Oscar: It's your making fun of fat people character.
Michael Scott: How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people.
Oscar: I think of him of more like a monster. What about, "I say I say I say, I'll sit on you."
Dwight Schrute: No, no, it goes, it goes "I say I say I say I'll sit on you!"
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10
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Jim Halpert: Beer me five.
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9
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Andy: Totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today.
Oscar: All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of Diet Coke.
Andy: Really? 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday.
Oscar: Ok.
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9
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Stanley: I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is... I have lost a little of my speed, a little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. [holds up photo] Look at those biceps. We were fightin' the power and eating whatever we wanted.
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9
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Michael Scott: Let's all clap at Phyllis.
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9
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Dwight Schrute: [Jim comes in wet] What are you smiling about there, Smiley Pants?
Andy: Wet Tuna.
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8
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Kelly: [looking very sick] I'm on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water for all three meals. Um, I just bought some bikinis online too so.. I'm gonna look amazing.
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8
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Michael Scott: Ronnie was blagh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an email from Ryan, that he was coming back to town, and I called the temp agency and I told them, I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard, give him to me. I want him. I need him.
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8
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Toby: I went zip lining my third day in Costa Rica. I guess the harness wasn't strapped in completely right. I broke my neck. And... I've been in the hospital five weeks now. I still haven't seen the beach. It's nice to have visitors.
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8
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Jim Halpert: [sitting in a university lounge] Some girl came into Pam's room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So I'm in here waiting it out.
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7
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Jim Halpert: Oh how rude of me. Have you seen Pam's new art? [pointing behind camera] It's right there, check it out. [closes door]
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7
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Ryan: How's my favorite branch doing? Alright. [sits down at receptionist desk]
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6
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Andy: Just so you know, I don't care where we get married. I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot... I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane, in the middle of a snowstorm on top of a monsoon. All I care about is that we're going to spend the rest of our lives together.
[Angela kisses Andy]
Andy: Heyo!
Angela: I know I haven't made this easy on you.
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6
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Andy: Since my little lady has such particular, impossible to perceive tastes, I have made non-refundable deposits at four totally different wedding locales.
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6
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Andy: I don't know if there is any one place that has all these things: one thousand-year-old church in the continental U.S. There has to be a rainbow. Twenty-four hour veterinarian on call.
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4
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Professor: Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched by alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery.
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4
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Michael Scott: Hey! Ryan, look. Shaved off my goatee. I am goatee-less. We are the goatee-less brothers.
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2
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Pam Beesly: Hey, Jim, um, listen, can I call you back in a little bit? I made friends.
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2
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Michael Scott: [both beat-boxing in the warehouse] Im MJ Mike Scott and I am hot. She's DJ Chazzy Flax and she is the best. All those other suckers can suck our fat!
Holly: Wica-wica-wica-wica what?!
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2
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Ryan: I'm keeping a list of everyone who bronxes me, so when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made that list.
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1
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Jim Halpert Cryogenics. Beer me five.
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1
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Angela Martin: My doctor wants me to gain weight.
Michael Scott: If you gain weight, you will die.
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1
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Michael Scott: Oh-ho! I almost dropped ya! [fakes dropping the laptop that Pam was using a camera to talk to Jim on]
Pam Beasley: Can you put me down now, I'm getting nauseous.
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Michael Scott: What is this Phyllis?
Phyllis: Cake...
Michael Scott: And what did I ask for.
Phyllis: Fruit...
Michael Scott: I'm very disappointed.
Dwight Shrute: Happy Birthday Stanley! [kicks the cake off the stool and the cake hits Michael]
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0
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Michael Scott: Jimbo. [talking outside of the Mens room) Did you see Holly's butt?
Jim Halpert: Nope, I didn't. You know why?
Michael Scott: Why?
Jim Halpert: Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends butts.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know.
Jim Halpert: But what have you learned about her?
Michael Scott: I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read Beds and three times. And I have learned that her butt refuses to quit!
Jim Halpert: Well, I tried. [walks into bathroom, Michael follows]
Michael Scott: [from inside the bathroom] You have to agree. It's insane. Insane!
Jim Halpert: [walking out of bathroom] I'll just go later.
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Dwight Schrute: We done good in there, mountain lion. [Dwight and Angela emerge from a back room in the warehouse looking dishevelled and obviously just had sex]
Angela Martin: It's the last time Dwight, I mean it.
Dwight Schrute: Monkey. [kisses Angela]
Angela Martin: No, no. I have a fiance who I very much like.
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0
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Michael Scott: Pam, PAM! Hey!
Jim Halpert: What happened?
Michael Scott: [out of breath] I wrote you a goodbye poem. It's really long. I left it up on my desk, could you just please wait 'til I go get it?
Pam Beasley: I should really get going.
Michael Scott: No! Okay, okay. The last word is seagulls.
Pam Beasley: I'm sure it was really lovely.
Michael Scott: I took a lot from other poems.
Jim Halpert: Call me when you get in. [gives Pam a kiss]
Michael Scott: Yeah, call.. get in. [leans in to kiss Pam]
Pam Beasley: No, Michael. [Jim pats Michael on his shoulder]
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0
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Holly: Fancy meeting you here. [On the scale, next to Holly, Michael laughs]
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Holly: Hey, Oscar. Who's that woman in Michael's office with the feet? [Camera shoots over to Michael massaging Jan's feet]
Oscar: Oh, that's his ex.
Holly: Oh, she's very beautiful.
Oscar: Yes, and clinically insane.
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0
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Ronnie: Does anyone want to dance? [everyone moves away]
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Andy Bernard This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.
50 Comments in the Conference Room
Quotes from  Michael Scott  Dwight Schrute  Creed Bratton  Pam  Random Quotes from All Seasons