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Toby: Hey Jim!
Jim Halpert: Not now Toby! My God!
Michael Scott: Get the hell out of here, idiot.
[walking away] What did I do.
Michael Scott: I was probably gonna break up with her anyway.
Pam Beesly: Oh. That's too bad.
Michael Scott: Pam it is very complicated. There are a lot of moving parts here--
Jim Halpert: Sounds complicated.
Pam Beesly: Yeah but I mean if you really like this person then you should see where it goes.
Michael Scott: You want me to be happy?
Pam Beesly: Of course.
Michael Scott: Part of the problem is, she is the mother of a close friend of my. More than a friend, a co-worker.
Pam Beesly: Oh. Gossip! Who is it? Who is it!
[Michael stares at Pam]
[still excited] Who is it Michael?
Pam Beesly: Who...
Michael Scott: It's okay.
Pam Beesly: No no no no no. No. Oh my God! Oh my God!
[walks out of the office screaming] Nooooooooooooo!!
[cut to talking head]
Michael Scott: That could have gone one of two ways. But I never expected her to get upset.
Dwight Schrute: You know, I really would've appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers. I would've introduced you to mine.
Jim Halpert: Ok as far as dinner tonight, cancel that. And please, for both of our sake's, never, ever, ever see her again.
Michael Scott: I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything she wants me to be happy.
Jim Halpert: No. Not more than anything.
Michael Scott: Ok. I have a good thing with the mom.
Jim Halpert: Don't call her the mom.
Michael Scott: She's right on my way home from work.
Jim Halpert: THEN TAKE A DIFFERENT WAY HOME MAN!
Michael Scott: Alright! I'll take surface streets...
Michael Scott: Do you want me to stop dating your mom? Is that how we're going to get past this because I will!
Pam Beesly: Mmmmmm! Yes!
Michael Scott: Well that is not gonna happen!
Pam Beesly: Then why'd you even offer!
Michael Scott: 'Cause I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy.
Pam Beesly: Michael. Let me make this very easy for you. I COULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS. STOP DATING MY MOTHER!
Michael Scott: You know what, I'm gonna start dating her even harder.
Pam Beesly: What's that supposed to mean.
Michael Scott: You know what it means.
Jim Halpert: So, Dwight heard you were having a really rough day, so he generously offered to wash our car.
Pam Beesly: Aww he did that for me?
Jim Halpert: Yes. He did. You know what's nice? Night swimming in Bio Bay. Remember that older couple whose kids were also named Jim and Pam?
[laughs] Yeah... Mmmm, say more nice things.
Jim Halpert: Well, we went on a Segway tour and we're awesome at it. Yes we are. And... Franken Beans!
Pam Beesly: Maybe I'm overreacting.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Maybe.
Pam Beesly: But I don't think I am.
Jim Halpert: You're not. Nope. Nope...
Michael Scott: Hey, alright! You know what clearly I'm outnumbered here but could I just say one thing? Please? What is so wrong about me. I'm caring. I'm generous.
[pause] I'm sensual. Is it really so horrible that I could possibly go out and find happiness.
Phyllis: Good luck Michael. I hope you find what you're looking for.
Oscar: Maybe you're right. Who are we to--
Pam Beesly: Shut up Oscar! What is wrong with all of you!? He is sleeping with my mother!
Dwight Schrute: I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on.
Michael Scott: Let's get back to the matter at hand.
Pam Beesly: Whatever. You know. Sleep with my mom, sleep with everyone's mom!
Ryan: Whoa!! That's my mom you're talking about.
[on his cellphone] No, I'll talk to her. No, nobody talks to my baby that way. Yeah I'll let you know how it goes. Alright. Bye, Pickle. [hangs up and walks into the conference room] Pamela Morgan Beesly you need to apologize to your mother right now.
Angela: I'm sorry, I was told I have the floor.
Oscar: Whoa hold on, hold on. What's going on?
Jim Halpert: Nothing! Nothing at all. "It's all goood."
Pam Beesly: I'm not apologizing to anyone. Michael owes ME an apology.
Michael Scott: For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?
Pam Beesly: Don't call my mother your lover!
Kevin: Yes! That's what I'm talking about.
Andy: That is not ok dude!
Michael Scott: Ok, in my defence--
Creed: That's messed up man.
Pam Beesly: Yes. Thank you. Welcome to my personal hell!
Oscar: You have no sense of boundaries, Michael.
Michael Scott: I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom. Pam's mom. My aunt--although she just blocked me on IM. What's her face, from Quizno's? I see her four times a week.
Jim Halpert: Oh so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift. I found a recording device in it. Yes. So. I think if I play it just right, I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.
Pam Beesly: You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.
Dwight Schrute: Where'd you get that mallard?
Kelly: What the hell is a mallard?
Dwight Schrute: THAT!
Kelly: Oh! Professor Damond D. Duck! Jim gave him to me.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. I gave that to him as a gift. I'm taking that back.
Kelly: If you take it back I'll scream.
[reluctantly] I'll give you five bucks for it.
Dwight Schrute: Ten.
[Dwight takes the mallard and walks away]
Kelly: You're so cool.
Ryan: This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas.
Oscar: Pam, just for the record I think you're over-reacting a little bit. Your mom's old enough to make her own decisions.
Pam Beesly: Oh, well, thanks Oscar. I was just wondering, how would you feel if Michael was sleeping with your mom.
Oscar: My mother's in a wheelchair.
Pam Beesly: Well he could still... I'm sorry about that.
[Pam starts walking away but turns around]
Pam Beesly: Oh could I just get you to sign this second page.
Pam Beesly: Hey! We brought back some Puerto Rican candy.
Erin: Cocoliche! That's my favorite.
Pam Beesly: Awesome! I'll leave it up here to everyone can enjoy it.
Erin: Oh, um, let me just check with Michael first.
[laughs] I think it'll be ok.
[laughing] I think it will too but I'll just check with him though.
Pam Beesly: Great.
[starts to walk away]
Erin: Oops! Sorry.
[pushes the candy to Pam] Oops.
Dwight Schrute: Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down a hundred and fifty pets by myself.
Dwight Schrute: Don't tell Michael.
Jim Halpert: I won't. But you will wash and buff our car.
Dwight Schrute: Punishment fits the crime, I accept.
Kevin: Whoa, where'd you get that hat?
Ryan: I'd rather not say.
Jim Halpert: You're messing with me.
Michael Scott: About what?
Jim Halpert: You did not have sex with Pam's mom
Michael Scott: Oh, big time.
Jim Halpert : What kind of car does she drive?
Michael Scott: She drives a green Camry . . .
Michael Scott: . . . and the seats go all the way down. ALL the way down.