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Pam Beesly: This is our first, and only, Valentine's Day as fiancees.
Jim Halpert: You're only engaged once! Well, present company excluded.
Pam Beesly: Really Jim. On Cupid's birthday.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
[leans in to kiss Pam and is denied] She's fine.
Michael Scott: So how you holding up?
Dwight Schrute: I'm okay. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side.
Pam Beesly: They have new phone systems now, that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting. Basically ninety-five percent of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone.
[long pause] Vending machine.
Michael Scott: These people need love and I am going to get it for them. Who cares if we sell a little bit of less paper today. A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees than anything else. I am going to be Cupid. And I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims. And they are going to get hit and say "I'm in love! I was hit my Cupid's sparrow! Funny little bird but he gets the job done."
Dwight Schrute: I've trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.
Michael Scott: Um, Jim?
Jim Halpert: Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.
Jim Halpert: Oh I'm sorry--
Michael Scott: Yeah. And the sexy, looks, between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment.
Jim Halpert: I understand.
Dwight Schrute: It's so sexy it become hostile.
Michael Scott: If you guys insist on having your own private little love fest--
Jim Halpert: We do.
Michael Scott: --that none of us can be a part of--
Pam Beesly: You can't be apart of our relationship, Michael.
Michael Scott: --THEN, we are going to have our own private Valentine's day party.
Jim Halpert: That sounds fun.
Michael Scott: So suck it.
Michael Scott: Hey everybody! I just invited Jim to suck it! And I am cordgially inviting all of you to a special convention. A lonely hearts convention this afternoon. Singles only--
Dwight Schrute: Yeah! Deal with it Pam!
Michael Scott: So we may not, have someone in our lives that we love but we do have each other.
Bob Vance: I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass. And that other jackass and the new jackass.
Phyllis: He's talking about Michael, Dwight and Andy.
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah. I understood.
Michael Scott: Where's Andy?
Oscar: He's on one of his honeymoons.
Michael Scott: What?
Oscar: He made non-refundable deposits. On his honeymoons. So he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning and later he's got a couples massage.
Michael Scott: You know, what, guys, I don't think we need to do this.
Dwight Schrute: You're right, ok, everyone back to work!
Michael Scott: No no no no, I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's and I think that there are other single people out there too. We just need to find 'em. There's a girl out there for all of us. Maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.
Dwight Schrute: A net? A giant net?
Michael Scott: No not a giant net. A- a--
Dwight Schrute: What do you have in mind?
Michael Scott: I was thinking maybe like a mixer.
Dwight Schrute: Oh God that's a terrible idea.
Michael Scott: Old-fashioned meat market. I don't think it is.
Dwight Schrute: No. Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? You're not even allowing natural selection do its work. Pssh. You're like the guy who invented the seat belt.
Michael Scott: Oh look at that. Cupids and hearts. They're really shoving our faces in it this year. You doin' okay bud?
Kevin: I miss Stacy.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I hear ya. It's been four months since I was with Holly. And she was wayy hotter than Stacy, so if you think you're hurting...
Kevin: I can't even imagine.
[having blood taken]
Michael Scott: Wow. I feel like a human juice box. Hawaiian blood punch.
[laughing] Oh that's gross.
Michael Scott: Type Oooocean Spray.
[still laughing] God, stop. Stop it.
Angela: My worst breakup, was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and, when things went bad... they had a duel over me.
Oscar: Yeah Dwight and Andy, we were here.
Angela: No. This was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David.
Oscar: Angela you had two sets of different men... actually duel over you?
Angela: I guess I have...
Michael Scott: I just-- I met a woman when I was giving blood and I thought she might come by.
Kelly: You met a woman when you were giving blood that's so romantic!
Michael Scott: It's not a big deal, really. I just, you know, met somebody, talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.
Kelly: Oh my God that makes it even more romantic! This is like a modern day Enchanted. It's like a fairy tale!
Meredith: She could be your soul mate.
Dwight Schrute: No not likely. There are three billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia so the numbers just don't add up.
Kelly: She could be!
Michael Scott: Believe me, it's nothing. I hardly even talked to her. We just-- we were lying there next to each other. I think our blood bags touched.
Dwight Schrute: I can untie any knot. I'm serious. Name a knot. Any knot. Go
Woman: I believe you.
Dwight Schrute: You shouldn't believe everything you hear. In fact there are many knots that I cannot untie.
Stanley: Pardon me may I have a chocolate chip cookie I gave blood earlier and I'm still feeling woozy.
Nurse: Of course-- That's weird. You got a cotton ball and tape and we've been using Bandaids.
[backing out of the bus] I, uh, I feel so woozy I just can't... [bumps into Phyllis] Bandaids.
Kelly: So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer.
[reading from the card] Roses are red, violets are blue. It's time for your dental cleaning and maybe a check-up too...
Dwight Schrute: Michael, why do you keep looking at the front door.
Michael Scott: No reason.
Dwight Schrute: Is somebody after you?
Oscar: Why do you always go to that? Has anyone ever been after anyone in this office.
Dwight Schrute: Hey! It just takes one.
Salesman: How about I make an appointment to come back, that way I know he'll be here.
Pam Beesly: That is a great idea. Umm...
[looking through calendar] Oh boy... he's really....
Jim Halpert: Mmmmichael Scott, manager, hi how are ya? Nice to meet you.
Pam Beesly: There he is!
Salesman: Oh hey, great, look at that.
Jim Halpert: Whew, I can assure you we don't need a new system though, happy with ours.
[enters] Hello, may I help you?
[addresses Michael] Jimbo!
Jim Halpert: Aaayyyyyyyyy!
Pam, Jim, Michael: Aaaaaaayyyyyyy
[Dwight runs up and joins in] Aaaaaayyyyyy!
Salesman: K. I'm uh, I'm gonna be going.
Pam, Jim, Michael, Dwight: Aaaaaayyyyyyyy!
[laughing] What was that?
Pam Beesly: That was funny.
Michael Scott: That was funny, let's go do it to somebody else.
Oscar: Do you risk telling him how you feel. Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself.
[sympathetically] Oh my God what did you do? Not that I approve of any of it but--
Oscar: I was stupid, I told him.
Kevin: Was he into you in like a gay way?
Michael Scott: Moron. If he was there wouldn't be a story.
Oscar: He told me he wasn't gay.
Michael Scott: Really sad.
Oscar: I'm not done, yet.
Michael Scott: Oh my God.
Oscar: A week later, a friend of mine calls me up and he says, "I just saw him, in a gay bar in Kansas city."
Michael Scott: Well then it's a happy ending because he was gay. You should call him.
Michael Scott: I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life. The transfer of my bodily fluids...
[after finished giving blood]
Michael Scott: Phew wow, I was so nervous about this I don't think that I ate for three days.
[tries to get up and immediately faints]
Bob Vance: Everyone here whose bowled a 280, please raise your hand.
[raises his hand]
Jim Halpert: No way, 280?
Pam Beesly: That's impressive.
Phyllis: Ok. Now everyone here whose bowled under seventy raise their hand.
Jim Halpert: Yikes.
Phyllis: Come on, Bob, raise your hand.
Jim Halpert: No!
Pam Beesly: What!
Bob Vance: You love bringing up that one time, don't you?
Phyllis: Yeah! I do!
Pam Beesly: Jim uses a six pound ball.
Jim Halpert: That is a lie, that is a lie.
Pam Beesly: Yes! He bowled five frames with this pink sparkly thing, until a little girl had to ask for her ball back.
Jim Halpert: But that girl must have had monstrous hands because the holes fit.
Pam Beesly: No, you just have really dainty fingers.
Bob Vance: Ohh. You could always model ladies jewelery.
Jim Halpert: Nobody asked, Bob!
Kevin: I think I blew it. It all happened so fast. SO. FAST.
Kevin: Hey... I'm sorry we did not have a chance to talk more. I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is.
Lynn: It's really sweaty!
Kevin: Are you on email?
Lynn: Oh yeah!
[hands Kevin her card]
Kevin: Cool. Bye.
Lynn: Bye Kevin!
[having blood taken]
Dwight Schrute: Having trouble finding a vein?
Nurse. Yep, a little.
Dwight Schrute: How about...
[flexes his arm] Now.
Michael Scott: So, Eric, you mentioned before that you are in Tool and Die repair. Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy so that's sort of a repair.
[awkward silence] Alright I'll let you guys talk.
Michael Scott: Four months ago I dated a woman named Holly. And, uh, this is actually the first time that I've even considered getting back into the arena again. You know what? Sometimes it's not whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There's a lot of princesses out there. You know they have all different sizes and shapes of feet. And hands! So... I think... I think my odds are pretty good.
Meredith: What are you doing?
Meredith: I'll help.
[tears wings off of cupid decoration] Now it's
just a stupid baby.
Michael Scott: Come on in. For you, we have one of our top people, Kevin Malone! Kevin! Come on out here and show your beautiful self.
[Kevin doesn't say anything]
Michael Scott: So run with the ball! Run with it, Kev.
[to Lynn] Where ya from?
Kevin: I'm from here.
Michael Scott: Yeah, ok. Well he only gets better.
Kevin: Thank you Michael.
Phyllis: Hey. Why do you guys come have lunch with Bob and me. We'll take all afternoon.
[whispering] Michael is terrified of Bob.
Michael Scott: Just about everybody in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion. And... it is my first Valentines Day since Holly. So, I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love SHOVED into thier faces.
Kevin: My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said, "Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!" and she said, "We're done".