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They have new phone systems now, that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting. Basically ninety-five percent of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [long pause] Vending machine.
These people need love and I am going to get it for them. Who cares if we sell a little bit of less paper today. A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees than anything else. I am going to be Cupid. And I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims. And they are going to get hit and say "I'm in love! I was hit my Cupid's sparrow! Funny little bird but he gets the job done."
You know, what, guys, I don't think we need to do this.
You're right, ok, everyone back to work!
No no no no, I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's and I think that there are other single people out there too. We just need to find 'em. There's a girl out there for all of us. Maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.
A net? A giant net?
No not a giant net. A- a--
What do you have in mind?
I was thinking maybe like a mixer.
Oh God that's a terrible idea.
Old-fashioned meat market. I don't think it is.
No. Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? You're not even allowing natural selection do its work. Pssh. You're like the guy who invented the seat belt.
Four months ago I dated a woman named Holly. And, uh, this is actually the first time that I've even considered getting back into the arena again. You know what? Sometimes it's not whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There's a lot of princesses out there. You know they have all different sizes and shapes of feet. And hands! So... I think... I think my odds are pretty good.
Just about everybody in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion. And... it is my first Valentines Day since Holly. So, I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love SHOVED into thier faces.
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