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I bought the boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a backup plan. The boat was actually plan C. The church was plan B. And plan A was marring her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.
[Jim stands up to give the wedding speech] I just wanna say how happy we are, that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who have travelled from far away to be here with us tonight. Especially the Florida cousins, who obviously can't take a hint. Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl, who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to... wait. Don't get me wrong, I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family, that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And, uh, do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive stick?
Like a year!
I've been driving stick since high school, so... For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And, a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl I work with but I think, even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife. So, I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses-- not Pam for obvious reasons-- but everyone else, if you'd raise your glasses...
What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink?
Pam can't drink? I didn't-- I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants. Though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true. No. What... we wanted-- the real reason -- the real reason is that, um, that-- that Pam's pregnant and--
[clears throat] Ok, ok, ok. Hey! What I think Jim is trying to say, is that... they had an accident. And you know what. These two people, they're living together. They are having lot of consensual sex.
They were living together!?
Yes, yes! Yes, they were living together. And you know what, you can't expect them to be careful every time. Because frankly it's just a different sensation.
Well, am I wrong? They say it's not different but it's a different sensation. [over top of Jim] When you use, something, to block-- I think everyone knows what I'm talking about. It's not necessarily different for the woman. But it is different for
Alright! My point is, I said what I wanted to say and Nema I hope you heard every word. Jim.
This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.
Oh! Very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood! Delightful, pop that in!
[Dwight in a low voice] Hello. My name is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ahh to be in your shoes. What's next, you're probably wondering. Don't be scared of your night in heaven...!
What an awesome party. The best wedding I've ever been to. I got six numbers. One more, would've been a complete telephone number. [takes off tupae] This was epic. My Kleenex shoes was a huge conversation piece. But man, my dogs are barking! [sticks bare feet into the ice machine] Ooooh. My feet were so sweaty, I can't even feel the cold. What a lovely hotel.
They asked for cash but, you know, I give them cash every week. So, how much cash does a person need? I have taken it on myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them, from memory. And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.
I should've known. The hotel's television set had a movie on called Bruno last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it I couldn't turn it off. So I had to just sit there while it happened to me. I wondered, how could they pick such a hotel. Hmph. Now I know.
I invented a decide, called Burger on the Go. It allows you to obtain six regular sized hamburgers, or twelve sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it, Sharper Image is still considering it, SkyMall is still considering it, Hammacher Schlemmer is still considering it. Sears said no.
My veil tore. I knew when we were getting married and I’m five months pregnant that I’m not going to be able to wear the dress I always wanted or high heels.
Hey, you look just as I imagined you. Pam, you’re so pretty.
And who cares, it’s a stupid veil right?
No, this was the one thing I supposed to be able to control was this veil…
[Jim cuts off the bottom half of his tie] There…now we’re even.
[Pam smiles and take a mental picture. Jim and Pam kiss] Everyone’s driving me crazy. I know way too much about Andy’s scrotum. And my mom won’t stop freaking out about my dad’s new girlfriend. This is supposed to our wedding day. Why did we invite all these people??
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