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Dwight Schrute: Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight Schrute: ...No I said one of them is not a nickel-
Ryan: But the other one is, I've heard that before.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. A man and a son get into a car accident, they're rushed to the hospital. Doctor says, 'there's no way I can operate on this boy--
Ryan: Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight Schrute: A man is found hanging from the ceiling-
Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
Dwight Schrute: A hunter-
Ryan: It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.
Dwight Schrute: DAMMIT!
Dwight Schrute: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed, in you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.
Dwight Schrute: Smells pretty bad doesn't it?
Ryan: Uh huh.
Dwight Schrute: It's called bull-crap. And a client can smell it from a mile away.
Dwight Schrute: Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?
Ryan: Um, lonliness. Maybe women.
Dwight Schrute: Wrong... he's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes.
Dwight Schrute: Michael always says, 'K-I-S-S, keep it simple, stupid.' Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.
Pam Beasley: What time is it there?
Jim Halpert: 'What time is it here?' Um, we're in the same timezone.
Pam Beasley: Ah, yeah, right.
Jim Halpert: How far away did you think we were?
Pam Beasley: I donno. It felt far.
Jim Halpert: Yeah..
Ryan: What was that?
Dwight Schrute: Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Ryan: Is that your cousin Mose?
Dwight Schrute: ...Yes.
Stanley: 364 days... 'til the next Pretzel Day.
Jim Halpert: I have a question for you.
Pam Beesly: What?
Jim Halpert: How many words per minute does the average person type?
Pam Beesly: I type ninety.
Jim Halpert: Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type ninety.
Dwight Schrute: What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?
Ryan: Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.
Dwight Schrute: Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide.
Dwight Schrute: Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA Initiative?
Pam Beesly: It's weird. Jan used to treat Michael like he was a ten-year-old, but lately, it's like he's five.
Michael Scott: Phyllis, Stanley, I want you to switch desks, I am going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper, at least, and we are afterall a paper company, are we not? Are we not? Are we not? Are you with me? Are you with me? Thank you very much.
Dwight Schrute: Mose is my cousin, and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore.
Andy: Hey Big Tuna, can I talk to you about something?
Jim Halpert: Yeah sure.
[pause] Can you stand up and talk to me over there?
Karen: That's it?
Andy: I am acting my heart out up here.
Karen: That's all you could come up with?
Andy: You asked for my help!
Dwight Schrute: I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet. But more importantly, he hasn't made an ally. Is he gonna be a slacker, loser wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he gonna join the Dwight army of champions?
Pam Beesly: Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal.
[pause] To some people it is.
Michael Scott: Never, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.
Ryan: They really didn't like me.
Dwight Schrute: They did not. They didn't have to say it to your face.
Michael Scott: Yeah, nothing. How was your day?
Jan: I don't care how your day was, Michael.
Michael Scott: Pfffft. Well. Okay, I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up--
Jan: Tell me what you did yesterday.
Micheal Scott: I worked. And then I went home to my condo, and Carol came over, and we, had, sex. That what you wanna hear?
Michael Scott: Hey, what time is it?
Pam Beasley: Twenty past five.
Michael Scott: A.M. or P.M.?
Pam Beasley: P.M.
Michael Scott: Oh good.
Dwight Schrute: Do you know where we are, Temp?
Ryan: I know where we're not.
Michael Scott: What's going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal. Let's make a deal. So what is the deal?
[Staring intensely at Ryan, smiling] So, you excited?
[Nodding while keeping eyes on the computer] Yeah.
[Still smiling intensely] Very excited?
[With direct eye contact, smiling] Yes, I'm very excited.
[Smiling to an almost explosive intensity level] EXTREMELY excited?
[Ceasing his smile and visibly peeved]
[Also ceasing smile and showing deep interest] Just very? That's cool.
[Camera cuts to an annoyed Ryan]
Stanley Hudson I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little... but on pretzel day... well, I like pretzel day...