The Office Season 5 Quotes - Golden Ticket

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29
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Jim Halpert: Ding dong.
Michael Scott: Who's there?
Jim Halpert: KGB.
Michael Scott: Dwight get the door.
Dwight Schrute: I'm not answering the door.
Michael Scott: Answer the door.
Jim Halpert: Ding dong.
Dwight Schrute: No way. It's the KGB.
Jim Halpert: Ding dong.
Dwight Schrute: I'm not answering that!
[Dwight and Michael start arguing as Jim is still ringing the doorbell]
Michael Scott: Yes you're going to!
Dwight Schrute: I'm not going to answer it it's the KGB!--
Jim Halpert: [slaps Dwight] It's the KGB we wait for no one!
Michael Scott: Ha ha ha!
Dwight Schrute: [to camera] It's true.
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25
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Michael Scott: [storming into the warehouse] Hey! Hey! Hey! You idiot.
Darryl: Start over.
Michael Scott: Sir...! I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five seperate boxes and somehoww they all ended up at Blue Cross. How did this happen?
Darryl: Were the boxes near each other?
Michael Scott: Irrelevant.
Darryl: I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week. They use a lot of paper.
Michael Scott: Ok I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet.
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Dwight Schrute: Ding dong.
Jim Halpert: Who is it?
Dwight Schrute: KGB.
Jim Halpert: Alright. I just got out of the shower I'll be one second.
Dwight Schrute: [in "Russian" accent] When you are done open the door. [long pause] Hello in there.
Jim Halpert: Yep-- I'm late for work so I have to brush my teeth it's a whole routine.
Dwight Schrute: We have other.. houses to visit.
Jim Halpert: If you wanna come back then that'd be fine.
Dwight Schrute: We will come back at... how is four forty-five?
Jim Halpert: I don't get home from work until around six.
Dwight Schrute: How 'bout... five fifteen.
Jim Halpert: You could try, that that might work.
Dwight Schrute: Very well we will come back at five fifteen.
Jim Halpert: Alright!
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17
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Pam Beesly: Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh hi David. No, I'm sorry he's not back from the, Civil Rights Rally. [Michael gives the thumbs up as he runs out of the office] I'll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial.
Pam Beesly: When Michael's skirting a phone call he gave me a list of places to say he is. [reading the list] Stopping a fight in the parking lot. An Obama fashion show. Whatever, that is. Trapped in an oil painting. I'm gonna save that one.
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David Wallace: I just wanna say that this golden ticket idea is one of the most brilliant signs of initiative I've ever seen at this company and how about a big round of applause for mister Dwight Schrute!
Jim Halpert: Alright Dwight!
David Wallace: This is huge!
Dwight Schrute: That's what she said.
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12
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Dwight Schrute: I got a knock knock joke.
Michael Scott: No... God...
Dwight Schrute: Michael please! Please please. Please! Please let me.
Michael Scott: Alright.
Dwight Schrute: Knock knock.
Michael Scott: Who's there.
Dwight Schrute: KGB.
Michael Scott: KGB who-- [Dwight slaps Michael]
Dwight Schrute: [in "Russian" accent] We Will Ask The Questions!
Michael Scott: What the hell was that! [tries to slap Dwight back]
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing!
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: Hey! Hey! Stop it! Hey come on.
Michael Scott: You like that?
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing mine was part of a hilarious joke!
Michael Scott: Mine was retribution- what are you doing!? No more knock knock jokes! That's it.
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12
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Michael Scott: Ok. We need, a golden ticket idea idea, to get us out of this mess.
Pam Beesly: Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later?
Jim Halpert: Good one.
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11
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Andy: You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. Oh I like your dress, but I'd like it better if you had prettier hair.
Pam Beesly: That's psychotic. [pause] Do guys actually do that?
Jim Halpert: Well guys with girlfriends don't.
Andy: That's low, Tuna.
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11
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Jim Halpert: One my clients found a golden ticket.
Michael Scott: Ooohohoo! La di doo! Do to pa ta [does a roll] Tell me! Was it, a spoiled little girl with big lips, or an odd little boy, with a cowboy obsession. Invite them on the tour!
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11
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[Andy exploding]
Andy: Put your heart out there like that, it's liable to just turn into this blackened carbon brick where it has barbecue sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that!
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11
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Michael Scott: Let me just cut to the chase, Dwight. I want you to fall on your sword for me.
Dwight Schrute: Ohh not gonna happen.
[cut to talking head]
Dwight Schrute: I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Won't happen again.
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11
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Michael Scott: May I have your attention please! I have an announcement. Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together and although I probably will never do it again I had fun! I really had fun with my best friend, Dwight.
Oscar: These aren't announcements.
Michael Scott: Yes they are you just don't care about the information.
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Jim Halpert: You're talking to Dwight Schrute, the biggest Wonka fan I know. I mean you've been talking about that movie for years.
Michael Scott: What?
Jim Halpert: You know what I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea and for that I apologize.
Dwight Schrute: Apology rejected.
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10
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Pam Beesly: [giving Dwight a hug] Thanks so much for helping the company, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Ohh Pam.
Creed: Good work, kid.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks old man!
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9
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Michael Scott: I am just a net, that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas, and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimzy so--
Jim Halpert: Ok, well I, lost a ton of money today and I have a mortgage so I'm a little pissed too.
Michael Scott: Thank you. Jim is with me!
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not. I'm mad at you.
Michael Scott: Well you know what Jim, it is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
Creed: That's not why.
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9
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Michael Scott: I just wanted to congratulate you on that great golden ticket idea.
Dwight Schrute: That was your idea.
Michael Scott: Whoa. Wow. Who told you that?
Dwight Schrute: You did. Several times--
Michael Scott: No I don't think I ever did--
Dwight Schrute: --over and over again.
Michael Scott: That was your idea, Dwight--
Dwight Schrute: You were dressed as Willy Wonka, so--
Michael Scott: I'm not taking credit for that--
Dwight Schrute: Wasn't my idea-- loved it! But I can't.
Michael Scott: Wait a second, I wrote it down. In my diary.
Dwight Schrute: You don't keep a diary.
Michael Scott: Yes I do. You've just never seen it. March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets--
[Dwight runs out of the room and returns with a day planner]
Dwight Schrute: March... fourth! Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give customers ten percent off for one year.
Michael Scott: Why do you have a diary?
Dwight Schrute: To keep secrets from my computer.
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9
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Michael Scott: I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La. And... it's just mens shoes for the special occasions in a man's life. Like the day that you get married, or the day your wife has a baby, or for just lounging around the house.
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8
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Kevin: Andy, Pam, and Jim, are all telling me how to deal with this girl that I like, Lynn. I don't like getting advice from more than one person at a time. I'm a textbook overthinker.
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8
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Michael Scott: We think a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something, and I will say what you're thinking--
Dwight Schrute: Ok what am I thinking right now?
Michael Scott: Um... nacho chips.
Dwight Schrute: No! I was thinking about how skin is the largest organ of the body.
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8
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Dwight Schrute: It is my idea! I'm filled with good ideas! Thousands of good of ideas.
Michael Scott: You are? Good ideas, huh? Hey did you come up with Toilet Buddy? It's a net, a circular net you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet? Formerly known as Toilet Guard?
Dwight Schrute: Horse. Boat. A canoe built around a horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down. Horse boat!
Michael Scott: Toilet sponge. It's a hallowed-out sponge--
Dwight Schrute: Gimme a break.
Michael Scott: --that is more absorbent, and softer than toilet paper. I have a lot of toilet ideas.
Dwight Schrute: That's cause they're easy--
Michael Scott: They're not easy--
Dwight Schrute: ...women's urinals...
Michael Scott: Everybody has to go to the bathroom!
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8
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David Wallace: Enough. Please. Enough. Is this true?
Dwight Schrute: Yes it's Michael's idea that he force on me on threat of death!
Michael Scott: Thank you!
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8
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Kevin: Lynn, I'm just going to say to you everything that I'm thinking.
Lynn: Ok.
Kevin: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Lynn: Ok.
Kevin: Nice. [looking down] Boobs.
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6
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Michael Scott: I've written these things because it is my responsibility as manager of this branch, to profiligate great ideas. And I think I have done my part, with the golden ticket promotion. Now it is your turn. I want to hear some great ideas from you, that are just as good as mine.
Jim Halpert: We own our own delivery trucks. We could lease them out on the weekends--
Michael Scott: Too many words. Good ideas are simple: Golden, ticket.
Jim Halpert: Free, paper.
Michael Scott: No, Jim, we're a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get men on the moon.
Andy: Golden girls. That's a golden ticket idea. Right... I mean how great was that show.
[Michael sighs]
Andy: Golden Grahams. [Michael is staring Andy down] Another-- is a-- I don't get this.
Michael Scott: No you don't. No, it-- What will be the state of this company if I am the only one coming up with the great ideas. Right?
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4
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Michael Scott: Here we go, knock knock.
Pam Beesly: Who's there.
Michael Scott: Buddha.
Pam Beesly: Buddha who.
Michael Scott: Buddha this bread for me! [putting a slice of bread and block of butter on the desk]
[Michael and Dwight laugh hysterically]
Michael Scott: I need something to wipe my hand.
Pam Beesly: [handing a napkin] Yep there's-- there's butter on my desk.
Michael Scott: It was a classic.
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4
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Michael Scott: The Willy Wonka, golden ticket promotional idea, is probably the best idea I have ever had. It's probably the best idea anybody's ever had. Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of golden paper into random paper shipments. This entitles the customer to ten percent off of their total order. It will be a day for them that is full of wimzy. And full of excitement. And full of fantasy.
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Michael Scott: Ok, you know what? You came up with this idea, I remember you told me that you love the Willy Wonka movie when you were growing up.
Dwight Schrute: Impossible.
Michael Scott: Yes you did.
Dwight Schrute: I wasn't given candy, as a child, so a movie that fetishized it that much, would have made no sense to me. Plus we weren't allowed to see movies. So, do the math. [starts writing in his planner]
Michael Scott: What are you writing.
Dwight Schrute: Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasn't mine. Discussed movies.
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4
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Jim Halpert: You cannot take the fall for him.
Dwight Schrute: He said he would do the same for me.
Jim Halpert: He can do the same for you. Right now. By getting fired instead of you. So what are you gonna do?
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna go back to work... After I write you up for insubordination.
Jim Halpert: There he is.
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4
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David Wallace: I don't know-- what do you want me to do now, Michael? What am I supposed to do now.
Michael Scott: Well David I will be honest with you. I do want the credit without any of the blame.
David Wallace: Okay. Uhhhh... I am going back to New York. [stands up] Pam do me a favor, don't send me those notes.
Pam Beesly: Ok.
David Wallace: I am gone. [leaves]
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3
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Michael Scott: [as Mr. Wonka] What are those! What are those! Tell me please!
Pam Beesly: Jellybeans.
Michael Scott: No no no! There are not just ordinary jellybeans, little girl. These, are extraorrrrrrdinary jellybeannnnns.
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3
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Michael Scott: My golden ticket idea? Ok. Why would anyone think, that this is my golden ticket idea? There's a one in thirteen chance that this could be anyone's golden ticket idea. That--....
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Dwight Schrute: I love working here and I do not wanna leave.
Michael Scott: He doesn't love it that much. Wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to be fired.
Dwight Schrute: Well.
Michael Scott: I mean, like we were talking about. That is why he has come to the conclusion--
Dwight Schrute: We discussed the fact that I am couped up here instead of experiencing the whole wide world.
Michael Scott: Right.
Dwight Schrute: Plowing my own acres. Going around shirtless, all day. You know experiencing freedom.
Michael Scott: That's it. That's it you can't put a price on freedom.
Dwight Schrute: Try me.
8 Comments in the Conference Room
Quotes from  Michael Scott  Dwight Schrute  Creed Bratton  Pam  Random Quotes from All Seasons