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Hey guys. Uh, sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say good-bye to everyone. Through Teach for America, I'm gonna go down to Detroit and teach inner-city kids about computers.
Uh, not now.
Oh yeah it's just my friends are out in the car waiting so I thought...
Phyllis, what's this guy's name again?
I donno. Is it Shadow or Garth? It's something weird, I--
My name is Nick.
OK, well, "Nick," we're in a meeting.
OK look I get it people. I'm the lame IT guy and everybody hates me.
Hey listen man you can't take it personally.
You call me man? I just said my name, just now. Did you forget it already?
You guys have fifteen parties a week, you can't learn my name?
Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey, IT Guy. Here's the story Champ. None of us have spent a lot of time getting to know you, OK, we liked the last guy, Sadiq, because he kept to himself. And we also thought he might have been a terrorist. You know what I'm gonna leave you with one other thought. Inner-city kids use computers for two things. Games and porn so good luck wasting your life. Lurch.
Thank you so much for that. I saw all your hard drives and guess what, [points to Ryan] you're not a photographer [to Kelly] and you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darry man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook. People wanna be your friend man! Alright. And you, this guy. [points to Andy] You're the one who told the press. You wrote an email to the editor. I saw it and I also saw a Quicktime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So, that's it. [gives the finger to the office] Check it out.
So unfair. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals, I would not be a whistleblower. The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers. It's how we made all our money. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us. [singing] "Old mister Bernard, old mister Bernard, who have you silenced today."
[reading a statement to the press] We at Sabre have betrayed the trust that we have built with our customers. We regret our slow response and lapse in candour and judgement. At this time, we are issuing a full recall of all Sabre GH400 printers. We will not rest until this problem is solved. There will be no questions. Are there any questions.
There is no reason for anyone here to sign this because I know everything there is to know about these people. I know when their birthdays are, I know what their favorite kind of cake is, I know what color streamers they like.
[wearing a sweatshirt that says "SUCK IT"] I may have heard from an old client and I may have immediately started the news to other clients and potential clients, yeah. But I'm not here to talk about that. I am here to talk about Suck It. Suck It-- [scene cuts]
I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it and then I find out that one of my best ones did. And now he's probably going to get fired for it. And if that is not poetic justice, I do not know what is.
I was thinking about our little leak problem. I was up all night thinking about what we should do to this individual. You know what I think we should do? We make 'em come to work. And we work 'em. And we make 'em sit next to all the people they screwed over. And, and we pay 'em. But, we make 'em feel like they did something really wrong. The one question I have is do we give them a Christmas bonus? I say, yes, it's Christmas, but right after, they're right back in the thick of it.
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