Random Quotes from The Office
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| Dwight Schrute: | Ok. Let's get this started. [stands up and loosens tie] |
| Michael Scott: | What are you doing? |
| Dwight Schrute: | I am the bait. [takes off his glasses] |
| Michael Scott: | For.. what? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Men find me desirable. |
| Michael Scott: | No no no. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Oh it's a good day too; I'm wearing my mustard shirt. |
| Michael Scott: | You're the bait for Toby? For one thing he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait it would be Jim. Or Ryan. Or me. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Men find me desirable. |
| Michael Scott: | Yes. Sure they do Dwight. |
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| Michael Scott: | Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not going to give up that easy. I am going to make this way harder than it needs to be. |
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| Michael Scott: | Scranton is great, but New York is like Scranton on acid. No, on speed. Nah. On steroids. |
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| Jim Halpert: | How is this not a pyramid scheme? |
| Michael Scott: | Alright, let me explain again. [Drawing on white board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now we are getting 3 people each. The more people that get involved, the more money we each are going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, its not even a scheme persay, its-- |
| Jim Halpert: | [Draws pyramid around Michael's drawing] |
| Michael Scott: | I have to go make a call. |
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| Oscar: | I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I'm more productive. Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do. But I don't care. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | We need to DO something. I'm thinking maybe a coup or we take Ryan hostage. |
| Phyllis: | Those sound too harsh. |
| Dwight Schrute: | No I'm not saying we DO those things I'm saying something LIKE those things. |
| Jim Halpert: | Of course, what is "like" a hostage. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Excellent question. |
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| Manager: | Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone. |
| Kevin: | They were stolen!? |
| Manager: | No, destroyed. When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually. |
| Kevin: | But that was my only pair of shoes. |
| Manager: | It became a safety issue sir. |
| Employee: | I can offer you a complimentary breakfast. |
| Kevin: | Ok. |
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| Michael Scott: | Jim, you're six eleven and you weigh ninety pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom roasted. Pam, you failed art school, boom roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke or a dumb joke boom roasted. Creed your teeth called your breath stinks. Boom roasted. Angela, where's Angela. Whoa there you are I didn't see you behind that grain of rice! Boom. Roasted! Stanley! You crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom roasted. [Stanley starts laughing] Oscar you are [distracted by Stanley] Oscar, you're gay! Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck! And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom roasted! |
| [Stanley laughs hysterically] | |
| Michael Scott: | Alright. Alright everybody. You know I kid. You know I kid. You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. So, uh, good-night, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. |
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| Oscar: | Hey, I just wanted you to know, that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen. |
| Michael Scott: | I didn't say it, I declared it. |
| Oscar: | Still.. that's.. it's not anything. |
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| Michael Scott: | Now, I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class, to be in class. Online classes are a viable option to a traditional college experience. [unzips suitcase] And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. Which is rendered useless, without batteries. And I have one for each of you. |
| [the entire room erupts with outrage] | |
| Michael Scott: | Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on. |
| [the room quiets] | |
| Michael Scott: | They're lithium! |
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| Michael Scott: | No question about it I am ready to get hurt again. |
