Random Quotes from The Office

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Dwight Schrute: Ok. Let's get this started. [stands up and loosens tie]
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: I am the bait. [takes off his glasses]
Michael Scott: For.. what?
Dwight Schrute: Men find me desirable.
Michael Scott: No no no.
Dwight Schrute: Oh it's a good day too; I'm wearing my mustard shirt.
Michael Scott: You're the bait for Toby? For one thing he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait it would be Jim. Or Ryan. Or me.
Dwight Schrute: Men find me desirable.
Michael Scott: Yes. Sure they do Dwight.
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Michael Scott: Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not going to give up that easy. I am going to make this way harder than it needs to be.
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Todd Packer: Merry Christmas, asswipe!
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Michael Scott: Scranton is great, but New York is like Scranton on acid. No, on speed. Nah. On steroids.
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Jim Halpert: How is this not a pyramid scheme?
Michael Scott: Alright, let me explain again. [Drawing on white board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now we are getting 3 people each. The more people that get involved, the more money we each are going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, its not even a scheme persay, its--
Jim Halpert: [Draws pyramid around Michael's drawing]
Michael Scott: I have to go make a call.
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Oscar: I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I'm more productive. Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do. But I don't care.
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Dwight Schrute: We need to DO something. I'm thinking maybe a coup or we take Ryan hostage.
Phyllis: Those sound too harsh.
Dwight Schrute: No I'm not saying we DO those things I'm saying something LIKE those things.
Jim Halpert: Of course, what is "like" a hostage.
Dwight Schrute: Excellent question.
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Manager: Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.
Kevin: They were stolen!?
Manager: No, destroyed. When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Manager: It became a safety issue sir.
Employee: I can offer you a complimentary breakfast.
Kevin: Ok.
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Michael Scott: Jim, you're six eleven and you weigh ninety pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom roasted. Pam, you failed art school, boom roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke or a dumb joke boom roasted. Creed your teeth called your breath stinks. Boom roasted. Angela, where's Angela. Whoa there you are I didn't see you behind that grain of rice! Boom. Roasted! Stanley! You crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom roasted. [Stanley starts laughing] Oscar you are [distracted by Stanley] Oscar, you're gay! Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck! And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom roasted!
[Stanley laughs hysterically]
Michael Scott: Alright. Alright everybody. You know I kid. You know I kid. You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. So, uh, good-night, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.
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Oscar: Hey, I just wanted you to know, that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
Michael Scott: I didn't say it, I declared it.
Oscar: Still.. that's.. it's not anything.
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Michael Scott: Now, I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class, to be in class. Online classes are a viable option to a traditional college experience. [unzips suitcase] And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. Which is rendered useless, without batteries. And I have one for each of you.
[the entire room erupts with outrage]
Michael Scott: Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on.
[the room quiets]
Michael Scott: They're lithium!
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Michael Scott: No question about it I am ready to get hurt again.