Creed Quotes From The Office

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Dwight Schrute: [looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke] Does anyone smell anything smoky?
Angela: Did you bring your jerky in again?
Dwight Schrute: [clears throat]
Pam Beesly: [points to smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God!
Phyllis: What--
Andy Bernard: Whoa, fire!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What's the procedure? What do we do, people?
Pam Beesly: The phones are dead.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, how did that happen?
Kevin: It's out in the hall.
Dwight Schrute: No, we don't know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct.
Michael Scott: Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm.
Dwight Schrute: What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?
Michael Scott: Stay [bleep] calm!
Dwight Schrute: Wait, wait, wait.
Michael Scott: Everyone, now [bleep] calm down!
Dwight Schrute: No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.
Michael Scott: What does warm mean?
Everyone: [groaning] Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: Not a viable option.
Pam Beesly: Try a different door.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, what's next?
Michael Scott: Don't run.
Dwight Schrute: Oh! Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle?
Andy Bernard: It-- it's warm.
Dwight Schrute: Well, uh, another option. [everyone chattering at once]
Jim Halpert: Back door.
Dwight Schrute: Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!
Phyllis: Oh! I forgot my purse.
Stanley: Leave it woman!
Michael Scott: Get out of the way! Go, go, go!
Dwight Schrute: Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can...
Oscar: Ah! My hand! That's hot!
Andy Bernard: Aah! This one's hot too!
Michael Scott: Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, let's go.
Everyone: [shouting] Out of my way! Let's go. Get out of my way!
Dwight Schrute: Calm, please.
Andy Bernard: Get out of the way!
Dwight Schrute: Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Andy Bernard: Move it!
Dwight Schrute: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha-- Use a what to cover the mouth?
Angela: [pulling cat out of filing drawer] It's okay. Shh shhh.
Dwight Schrute: A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that's the wrong way. We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people.
Angela: Oscar.
Dwight Schrute: What's next?
Angela: Oscar!
Oscar: Stay alive! I'm getting help!
Angela: Pull me up!
Oscar: You're too heavy!
Angela: I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh-- save Bandit! [throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side] Oh!
Dwight Schrute: How about 911? Anyone? 911.
[Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.]
Pam Beesly: What do we do?
Dwight Schrute: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on.
[everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping]
Angela: What is that? What is that?
Andy Bernard: The fire's shooting at us!
Phyllis: What in the name of God is going on?!
[Dwight pulls fire alarm]
Phyllis and Creed: Ahhhh!!! [Oscar's leg crashes through the ceiling]
Andy Bernard: Go, go, go, go, go!! [Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine]
Michael Scott: [throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!!
Stanley: I'm about to die!
Dwight Schrute: [blowing air horn] Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.
Jim Halpert: What?!
Dwight Schrute: Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. [Oscar drops down from the ceiling] So, what have we learned? [Stanley falls to the floor] Oh come on. It's not real Stanley. Don't have a heart attack.
Michael Scott: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth.
Jim Halpert: No, no, no! Don't give him mouth to mouth for this!
Michael Scott: He's going to swallow is tongue.
Jim Halpert: No. Michael. Michael.
Michael Scott: Open your mouth. Come on. Don't swallow it.
Jim Halpert: [everyone shouting at once] Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott: Leave me al--
Andy Bernard: You're choking him!
Michael Scott: Saving him!
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Michael Scott: Someone complained that the men's room is whites only. Stanley, you know that's not true.
Stanley: I didn't say that.
Creed: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door?
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Creed: Okay. Team Building. On this side of the room: Stanley, Phylis, Jim, Ted, Elroy. And this side of the room: Pam, Meredith, Phylis, Creed.
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Dwight Schrute: Who's the father?
Pam Beesly: Jim.
Dwight Schrute: How far along?
Jim Halpert: Four months?
Creed: Who's the OB/GYN?
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Jim Halpert: I am collecting three dollars for everyone for Kelly's party.
Creed: Oh I'd like to contribute.
Jim Halpert: Oh great.
Creed: [takes out a three dollar bill and gives it to Jim]
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Meredith: You know what, don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I'll bet no one even remembers what you said
Creed: I remember. I blogged the whole thing. www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out.
[cut to Ryan's talking head]
Ryan: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened a word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the intranet... it's pretty shocking.
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Creed: So hey. I wanna, set you up with my daughter.
Jim Halpert: Oh I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim Halpert: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter.
Creed: I don't know.
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Michael Scott: What topics, can you use for small talk?
Andy: Golf, stock market, Dave Matthews--
Michael Scott: Yes, what else?
Creed: Small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes.
Michael Scott: No.
Meredith: The weekend.
Michael Scott: Yeah! That's good! Come on up, Meredith. Come up here. Let's do a little something. [Meredith gets to the front] So Meredith and I just started conversing, and I will say, "so Meredith, how was your weekend? What did you do?"
Meredith: Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper-part of the toilet... he calls it an "upper decker."
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[playing chess]
Creed: No. If you do that I'm gonna do that, if you do that I'm gonna do that, if you do this I'm gonna do that.
Jim Halpert: Well what if I just... [starts moving a piece]
Creed: You don't wanna do that.
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Michael Scott: Can I ask you all a question? Do you know what it''s like to be disabled?
Phyllis: I had scoliosis as a girl
Michael Scott: Never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble.
Creed: When I was a teenager, I was in an iron-lung.
Michael Scott: Wha? How- how old are you? The point is: I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability. Although I am sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles.
Stanley: I'm not disabled and neither are you.
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