Robert Quotes From The Office
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| Robert California | Now then, how are we today? |
| Kelly Kapoor | Fine. |
| Toby Flenderson | Great. |
| Robert California | Just fine, Kelly? Everything alright? |
| Kelly Kapoor | Mh-hm. |
| Robert California | Are you feeling fulfilled in your life? |
| Kelly Kapoor | I guess. |
| Robert California | You guess? So there is something you want that you do not have? |
| Kelly Kapoor | Try not to think about it. |
| Robert California | Because it's too terrifying to imagine? Now we're cooking. What is it Kelly? What is this great fear of yours? |
| Kelly Kapoor | Never marrying. |
| Robert California | Yes. Dying alone, that is very scary. And how are you, Toby? |
| Toby Flenderson | I'm.. I'm just great. |
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| Robert California | Jim your daughter Cecilia, what does she think of the Street? |
| Jim Halpert | Uh... the street? |
| Robert California | Sesame Street. |
| Jim Halpert | Oh! I didn't know anybody called it--she likes it a lot. She loves Elmo. |
| Robert California | Elmo. God save us... the Elmo era. Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. The complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Our's is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree? |
| Jim Halpert | Yeah... she does like Elmo. |
| Oscar | Cultural ghetto... Totally agree. |
| Phyllis | Completely. |
| Darryl | Apt. Apt analysis, Robert. |
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| Robert California | Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us? How dare we let it into our decision making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships? It’s funny isn’t it we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear. |
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| Robert California | When I was a boy there was an empty house just up the hill from my family’s. It was rumored that a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the Devil. One day a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound, hssss. She walked to the nursery, and there in Baby’s crib there was a snake wrapped around Baby’s neck, squeezing tighter and tighter. |
| Creed Bratton | [aghast] Oh my Goodness! |
| Robert California | The crib was full of dirt, Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching towards Baby… [awkward silence] for they were mummies. |
| Kevin Malone | NO! |
| Robert California | Amongst them was a man. Tall, slim... |
| Meredith Palmer | Jim! Uh! |
| Robert California | Almost instinctively she turned to her husband, ‘Oh, wait,’ she thought, ‘I don’t have a husband.’ For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn’t get past. Each night they slept one inch further apart, until one night Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in imaginary worlds [Dwight turns off Starcraft]. She had quit the book club, the choir, citing something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse and every time she wanted to act and didn’t, another part of her face hardened until it was stone. And then the fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door. “Baby, are you OK?” Baby sat up slowly, turned to mother and said, “I’m fine, bitch. I’m fine.” |
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| Robert California | Florida is America's basement. It's wet, it's filled with mold, the strange insects... alligators... alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight! You knew that right? |
| Dwight Schrute | Hmm... it's complicated. |
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| Andy | The Friday before Columbus Day. Thoughts? |
| Robert California | What are your thoughts? |
| Andy | Just making chit chat... Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no? |
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| Robert California | Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I'll tell you some thing I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutible social cues, and then inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you're a winner. If I didn't I don't. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinons change. Winners, prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong. |
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| Robert California | Trust me, one nine minute bout is the cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. I could go to the gym three times a week, or I could wrestle Stu once a month. |