Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office

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Michael Scott: [Speaking into tape recorder] Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or go against type with an Eisenberg or Michael Cera.
Dwight Schrute: Movie idea?
Michael Scott: Noooo...[Speaking into tape recorder] Saving the world has never been this hard.
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Dwight Schrute: Have you ever seen a lioness devour her cub?
Michael Scott: Oh God not this--
Dwight Schrute: Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate. Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel?
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Michael Scott: [picking up cell phone] What do you want?
Dwight Schrute: Michael I know you're swamped, I just thought you should know that everyone in the office has left, except for Angela and I. Do not worry though, I have taken down their names and I have docked them a personal day.
Michael Scott: Who cares? I'm not there, Jim's not there, why should they have to be there.
Dwight Schrute: [pause] So, what else is up?
[Michael hangs up]
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Michael Scott: [walking out of his office] Oh hey is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out.
Dwight Schrute: They are now.
Michael Scott: Cool. [singing the theme song] "My horn can pierce the sky."
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Dwight Schrute: You want me to translate the German instructions for you?
Pam Beesly: No I'm sure they're pretty much the same as the English instructions.
Dwight Schrute: Pssh. Typical American arrogance that got us involved in war we never should have been in. World War Two.
Pam Beesly: Well, fine. Do the German instructions say what this is supposed to do?
Dwight Schrute: [looking through manual] Deutsch. Let me see here... it is either an insense dispenser... or a, ceremonial sarcophagus.
Pam Beesly: Humph.
[cut to talking head]
Dwight Schrute: My German is pre-Industrial and mostly religious.
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Doctor: Does the skin look red and swollen?
Dwight Schrute: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: That's my joke, damn it Dwight.
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Dwight Schrute: I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my second life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly.
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Jim Halpert: This came out really well. There you go. [hands Dwight his new ID]
Dwight Schrute: This is humongous, I am not a security threat. And my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.
Jim Halpert: What did I write?
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Dwight Schrute: Thanks for inviting me along.
Michael Scott: Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought-- Wait should you be going?
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Dwight Schrute: Remember on Lost, when they met the others?
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Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute. Star salesman. Beet farmer. Bed and breakfast proprietor. Aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list, owner of this building. [turns to camera] Then burn the list.
Send "The Office Theme Song" Ringtone to your Cell
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Nate: Got it. [taking a group photo outside]
Pam Beesly: Okay let's go in. I'm freezing.
Michael Scott: People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We're gonna do a fun one.
Jim Halpert: One Charlie's Angels. One. Let's go.
Pam Beesly: Okay, this is just a Christmas card from your paper supplier. No one's putting this on their fridge.
Kevin: Oh, I got it, you guys, how 'bout this. Michael, what if all the boys are on one side, all the girls are on the other. The boys are like, 'why I oughta', and the girls are like, 'let's go shopping!'.
Andy: Let's just jump in the air!
Michael Scott: That's it! That's a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. We're gonna jump in the air. Here we go.
Nate: One, two, three. [everyone jumps at different times] Not everyone jumped.
Michael Scott: Okay, everybody jump in the air this time, please. Here we go.
Nate: One, two, three. [everyone jumps] Still some people not jumping.
Jim Halpert: You gotta be kidding me. Who isn't jumping?
Dwight Schrute: I'll tell you who. Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, Angela, and Oscar.
Phyllis: I am jumping.
Dwight Schrute: You are?
Phyllis: Yes, I am jumping.
Dwight Schrute: Let me see you jump. [Phyllis barely jumps] Oh, my God. This is a store bought-camera. This isn't one of those special military-grade cameras that would be able to capture that.
Pam Beesly: I'm freezing
Nate: Um, also, Erin is jumping way too early. She's on the ground by 'three'.
Erin: I didn't want to miss it.
Andy: Well, if we all jump really high, we'll be in the air longer. Do that.
Oscar: Here's a question nobody's asking: Is this worth it?
Michael Scott: Don't answer that. People, listen up and listen good. We need to just get one picture where we're all in the air at the same time. Yes?
Oscar: Why?
Michael Scott: I believe in us. We can do this. Here we go.
Nate: Okay, on three. Uh, everyone in the air. Three, [some people jump] two, [others jump] one, [others jump] zero. [everyone begins to yell]
[cut to the talking head]
Michael Scott: We didn't get it.
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