Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office
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| Kevin: | [to camera] It's six to six. It's a nail biter. [gets hit by the volleyball] |
| Angela: | Kevin! Now it's seven six or is that too much accounting for you. |
| Ralph: | Here's an accounting question for you. What does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer: one whore. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Okay, knock it off Ralph. |
| Ralph: | What! She's sitting there, casting-- |
| Dwight Schrute: | Ralph, please. [over top of Ralph] I am asking you nicely. [firmly] Leave it alone. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Heyy! Jimmy, what's up? |
| Jim Halpert: | [surprised] Not much. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Cool! Very cool. I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office! |
| Michael Scott: | Thanks Dwight. |
| Dwight Schrute: | That laugh is so infectious! |
| Michael Scott: | Creepin' me out. I'm gonna go. [turns to leave] |
| Dwight Schrute: | I didn't mean any of those things I just said. |
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| Michael Scott: | Here's what we brought. We brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought Silly String, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Or real bombs. |
| Michael Scott: | No, no. Not real bombs. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Yeah come on it would be so badass. |
| Michael Scott: | Mmm maybe. I donno. I donno. Would be badass. |
| Jim Halpert: | No. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Yeah! It will. |
| Jim Halpert: | Absolutely we're not doing this. |
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| Pam Beesly: | Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building. So the police put up a radar gun. It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard. |
| Dwight Schrute: | [running] AHHHHH!!! |
| Phylis: | Wow! Thirteen! [breaking Michael's previous record of 12] |
| Michael Scott: | No, no. There was wind. |
| Dwight Schrute: | I was just jogging. |
| Michael Scott: | Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over. |
| Jim Halpert: | No. It's not your turn. Okay, thirteen is the new number. Oscar go ahead. [Oscar is preparing to run] |
| Michael Scott | I want another try. Here we go. [Michael starts running just as a car drives by] Thirty-one! Thirty-one! |
| Stanley: | That was the car. |
| Michael Scott: | I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number. |
| Oscar: | Thirty-one is humanly impossible. |
| Michael Scott: | Go, Oscar. Thirty-one is my new number. |
| Oscar: | That's impossible. |
| Michael Scott: | Beat it! |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Where is my desk? |
| Jim Halpert: | That is weird. |
| Dwight Schrute: | This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional. |
| Jim Halpert: | Okay, well you're the one who lost the desk. |
| Dwight Schrute: | I did not lose my desk! |
| Jim Halpert: | Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Okay, who moved my desk! |
| Jim Halpert: | I think you should retrace your steps. |
| Dwight Schrute: | I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished. |
| Jim Halpert: | [Directing Dwight to his desk] Colder....warmer.....little warmer....there you go...ooo warmer....warmer....warmer, warmer....COLD, COLD, COLD...back up....oooo....warmer...HOT, RED HOT. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | I know this great website where you can download song for like two cents apiece. |
| Pam Beesly: | Really? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Yeah, I'll write down the address for you. The only thing is, is that all the songs are in Russian. |
| Pam Beesly: | [rolls eyes] |
| Dwight Schrute: | Kidding. |
| Pam Beesly: | Oh. [laughs] |
| Dwight Schrute: | Why would they all be...Okay, see you later, Pan. |
| Pam Beesly: | Pan? |
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| Dwight Schrute: | I can't do this. |
| Michael Scott: | That's because you're incapable of doing it. Because you don't know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Okay. |
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| Kelly: | Why is there a Chiclet on my cake? |
| Jim Halpert: | That's the best part. That represents a pillow, or a television. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Our theme, if you will,-- |
| Jim Halpert: | Because the fun part is you get to decide on an hour of television or an hour of napping. |
| Dwight Schrute: | That's our theme! |
| Kelly: | [smiling] Cool. |
| Jim Halpert: | Yeah? |
| Kelly: | I love it. |
| [Dwight and Jim high-five] | |
| Dwight Schrute: | Yes! Ok, so what's it gonna be Kapoor? |
| Kevin: | Ooh! Can she pick a half hour of each? |
| Jim and Dwight: | No. |
| Kevin: | Oh. Then pick tv. |
| Meredith: | Take a nap. |
| Kevin: | Watching tv at work is really cool. |
| Stanley: | Take a nap. Nothing good is on right now. |
| Creed: | Bonnie Hunt is on. |
| Kelly: | I have been watching tv all week, I choose nap. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Ok nap it is! Everyone out! Get out! We're going to be eating cake at our desks! Go go go go go go. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Michael get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria! |
| Michael Scott: | You can't get diseases from a bird! |
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| Dwight Schrute: | [to Ryan's friend] Do you have powers? |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Excuse me. |
| Tall girl: | Yeah? |
| Dwight Schrute: | How did you all find each other? |
| Tall girl: | Uh, we're the Jersey State Varsity Basketball Team. North-East regional champs! [girls cheer] |
| Dwight Schrute: | Amazons... |
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| Dwight Schrute: | We'll start our own paper company. The Shrute Bernard Lapin-Vance... Stanley Paper Company. |
| Michael Scott: | I love it. I love this idea and I fully support you. As a matter of fact I am going to give you some seed money. [throws a crumpled bill at Phyllis' head] There you go, there's some seed money for you! And you can take it, no hard feelings, but if you stay I want an apology and I want a big one. |
| Stanley: | You want us to apologize to you? |
| Michael Scott: | Yes I do. |
| Andy: | That's, completely backwards. |
| Michael Scott: | It's completely frontwards. |
| Phyllis: | Michael you thought you were attacking corporate but we were the ones who got hurt, you should be apologizing to us. |
| Dwight, Andy and Stanely: | That's right. |
| Phyllis: | Michael, you always said we were a family. Then you went after us. |