Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office
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| Dwight Schrute: | [over the radio] Woah, here's a guy, here's a guy! It's a security guard coming by. Hello! We're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof? ... Oh my God that was very close. I can see the security guard's eyes! |
| Jim Halpert: | No! No. Don't do anything to them! |
| Dwight Schrute: | I have to do something to his eyes. |
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| [Dwight throws Jim's cell phone out the window] | |
| Jim Halpert: | Are you kidding me!? |
| Dwight Schrute: | No communication with the outside world, Jim! |
| Michael Scott: | It had to be done. |
| Jim Halpert: | Well, that kind of sucks. Because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it. |
| Dwight Schrute: | That is too bad. Shoot. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked. |
| Darryl: | Yeah I might ask questions and I might not do what you say. |
| Dwight Schrute: | First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor. |
| Darryl: | Ok I'm not doing that. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? Do you wish every exercise was struttin' around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl. |
| Gabe: | I didn't know Darryl joined. |
| Darryl: | Looks that way. |
| Gabe: | [seeing Dwight] Nice pelvic bowl. Deep. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Hold on Michael! I am coming! |
| Michael Scott: | [on speakerphone] I don't want Dwight! |
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| Jim Halpert: | You're an exec, at Pennsylvania Solar Tech-- |
| Oscar: | That sounds fake! |
| Dwight Schrute: | I told you! You are an exec at Stark Industries! A corporation you inherited from your father-- |
| Jim Halpert: | Stop! Stop. Stop it. Here's the story. They need Meredith somewhere else ASAP. Ok? So you're taking over you just gotta get her outta there as soon as you can. Alright? |
| Oscar: | Ok I can do that, then what? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Make him pitch to you! You gotta see what he's got. And remember, you're not gay! |
| Jim Halpert: | Stop it! |
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| Dwight Schrute | You're a perfectly fine toilet... I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. |
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| Michael Scott: | You'll never guess what I know. |
| Dwight Schrute: | [typing] Ok. Let me finish this thought. |
| Michael Scott: | Eric likes Megan! |
| Dwight Schrute: | [still typing] He most definitely does. He's been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went on a group date the other night, apparently it went very well. |
| Michael Scott: | How do you know this? |
| Dwight Schrute: | People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it's because of my low cheekbones. [finishes typing] Ok, what is it? What can't I guess?? |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Where is my desk? |
| Jim Halpert: | That is weird. |
| Dwight Schrute: | This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional. |
| Jim Halpert: | Okay, well you're the one who lost the desk. |
| Dwight Schrute: | I did not lose my desk! |
| Jim Halpert: | Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Okay, who moved my desk! |
| Jim Halpert: | I think you should retrace your steps. |
| Dwight Schrute: | I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished. |
| Jim Halpert: | [Directing Dwight to his desk] Colder....warmer.....little warmer....there you go...ooo warmer....warmer....warmer, warmer....COLD, COLD, COLD...back up....oooo....warmer...HOT, RED HOT. |
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| Michael Scott: | [to Meredith] Everyone in this room loves you. But mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire, we are not going to help put you out. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Ohhh as fire marshal I would have to. |
| Michael Scott: | Dwight! |
| Dwight Schrute: | She is a hazard to the other people of the office. |
| Michael Scott: | [sighs] |
| Dwight Schrute: | I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area. |
| Jim Halpert: | Yeah you're going to need a permit for that. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Oh right. That'll take a couple of weeks. |
| Creed: | I could get you one in an hour. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Really? |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Michael. You told people that I use store-bought manure. When I showed you where my manure comes from. Hm? |
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| Ryan: | Good luck, Michael. |
| Michael Scott: | We don't need luck. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Yeah. |
| Michael Scott: | But thank you. That was really nice to say. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Uh, knock please. Please knock. This is an office. |
| Jim Halpert: | [points to sign] It says 'workspace'. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Same thing. |
| Jim Halpert: | If it's the same thing then why'd you write 'workspace'? |
| Dwight Schrute: | [pauses] Just knock, please. Okay? A sign of respect for a superior. |
| Jim Halpert: | You are not my superior. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Oh gee, then why do I have an office? |
| Jim Halpert: | I thought it was a workspace. |