Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office
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| Pam Beesly: | Okay, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like, what it means instead of what it is. |
| Dwight Schrute: | You mean... like a ham? |
| Pam Beesly: | [pause] No, not like a ham. It's about doing something so that the person knows that you really care about her. That you remember her-- |
| Dwight Schrute: | Okay shut up. I know exactly what to do. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Back injuries are common. Not as common as knee injuries but more common than wrist injuries. |
| Michael Scott: | I don't need a history lesson ok? |
| Dwight Schrute: | What do you think history is? |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine? |
| Kevin: | ... I'm not taking Rogaine. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980's, Beautiful Girl. |
| Andy: | Pretty Woman. [to camera] Pretty Woman. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Apparently it's one of the best revenge stories of all time in which this sex worker who is the protagonist. That can't be right. Andy, how does it-- |
| Jim Halpert: | No no no I wanna hear you tell it. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Ok, um... the sex worker is denied service at a fancy store because she does not look wealthy. She later returns dressed in all the trapping of extravagant wealth. But instead of shopping-- |
| Andy: | Julia Roberts goes into the store and she's like "I was in here yesterday" and people wouldn't help me and the shopgirl goes "oh" and then Julia Roberts goes "you girls work on commission right?" And the girl's like, "yeah." And Julia Roberts goes-- |
| Kelly: | [barges in] Big mistake! Huge. |
| Andy: | I was telling--I was telling that. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | I am now the Assistant Sensei. |
| Jim Halpert: | Wow. Assistant to the Sensei. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Assistant Sensei! |
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| Dwight Schrute | I do not except your surrender. There's only one way that I would ever relent: You hit Pam in the face with a snowball, while I watch. |
| Jim Halpert | You're a psychopath. |
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| Angela: | Come on, Dwight. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Why are you dressed like a seed catalog model? |
| Angela: | These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car. |
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| [Dwight's immitating Jim] | |
| Dwight Schrute: | I'm Jim Halpert. |
| Jim Halpert: | Spot on. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Yuhh, little comment, mmmh. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map and his penis, I think you know what I'm referring to, Michael has authorized me to form an emergency anti-flashing task force. |
| Jim Halpert: | Question. Won't that interfere with your other task forces? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Answer: No. Because this is being given priority one. This is a petition for the business park to upgrade the security cameras, as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises. But that is a risk we have to take. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | [walking over to four metal buckets] We come fully equipped with a restroom, feeding troff, play bucket, and room for plant, in success. |
| Jim Halpert: | Who will be watching the children. |
| Dwight Schrute: | No one. The door locks from the outside, escape is impossible. |
| Jim Halpert: | Prove it. We're gonna head outside. Give it a whirl. I just wanna see how it works. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Oh no no no no-- |
| Jim Halpert: | But I'll tell you this, if this works out I think we're lookin' real good. |
| Dwight Schrute: | I promise you that door locks! |
| [Jim shuts off the lights and closes the door] |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Hello! Welcome to Hay Place. A place for hay! |
| Employee: | Don't forget to make a broom! |
| Dwight Schrute: | Oh, the petting zoo closes at two, and the goat roast is at three! |
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| Toby: | You're into trains? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Have been my whole life. I'm rebuilding a turn-of-the-century steam engine in my slaughter house. |
| Toby: | That's so cool! Wow I'd love to take a look at that. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Yeah it's just a run of the mill slaughter house but sure, anytime. |
| Toby: | Well, you know, because of the trains. |