Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office
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| Michael Scott: | [Speaking into tape recorder] Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or go against type with an Eisenberg or Michael Cera. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Movie idea? |
| Michael Scott: | Noooo...[Speaking into tape recorder] Saving the world has never been this hard. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Have you ever seen a lioness devour her cub? |
| Michael Scott: | Oh God not this-- |
| Dwight Schrute: | Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate. Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel? |
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| Michael Scott: | [picking up cell phone] What do you want? |
| Dwight Schrute: | Michael I know you're swamped, I just thought you should know that everyone in the office has left, except for Angela and I. Do not worry though, I have taken down their names and I have docked them a personal day. |
| Michael Scott: | Who cares? I'm not there, Jim's not there, why should they have to be there. |
| Dwight Schrute: | [pause] So, what else is up? |
| [Michael hangs up] |
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| Michael Scott: | [walking out of his office] Oh hey is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out. |
| Dwight Schrute: | They are now. |
| Michael Scott: | Cool. [singing the theme song] "My horn can pierce the sky." |
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| Dwight Schrute: | You want me to translate the German instructions for you? |
| Pam Beesly: | No I'm sure they're pretty much the same as the English instructions. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Pssh. Typical American arrogance that got us involved in war we never should have been in. World War Two. |
| Pam Beesly: | Well, fine. Do the German instructions say what this is supposed to do? |
| Dwight Schrute: | [looking through manual] Deutsch. Let me see here... it is either an insense dispenser... or a, ceremonial sarcophagus. |
| Pam Beesly: | Humph. |
| [cut to talking head] | |
| Dwight Schrute: | My German is pre-Industrial and mostly religious. |
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| Doctor: | Does the skin look red and swollen? |
| Dwight Schrute: | That's what she said. |
| Michael Scott: | That's my joke, damn it Dwight. |
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| Dwight Schrute: | I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my second life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly. |
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| Jim Halpert: | This came out really well. There you go. [hands Dwight his new ID] |
| Dwight Schrute: | This is humongous, I am not a security threat. And my middle name is Kurt, not Fart. |
| Jim Halpert: | What did I write? |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Thanks for inviting me along. |
| Michael Scott: | Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought-- Wait should you be going? |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Remember on Lost, when they met the others? |
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| Dwight Schrute: | Dwight Schrute. Star salesman. Beet farmer. Bed and breakfast proprietor. Aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list, owner of this building. [turns to camera] Then burn the list. |
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| Nate: | Got it. [taking a group photo outside] |
| Pam Beesly: | Okay let's go in. I'm freezing. |
| Michael Scott: | People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We're gonna do a fun one. |
| Jim Halpert: | One Charlie's Angels. One. Let's go. |
| Pam Beesly: | Okay, this is just a Christmas card from your paper supplier. No one's putting this on their fridge. |
| Kevin: | Oh, I got it, you guys, how 'bout this. Michael, what if all the boys are on one side, all the girls are on the other. The boys are like, 'why I oughta', and the girls are like, 'let's go shopping!'. |
| Andy: | Let's just jump in the air! |
| Michael Scott: | That's it! That's a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. We're gonna jump in the air. Here we go. |
| Nate: | One, two, three. [everyone jumps at different times] Not everyone jumped. |
| Michael Scott: | Okay, everybody jump in the air this time, please. Here we go. |
| Nate: | One, two, three. [everyone jumps] Still some people not jumping. |
| Jim Halpert: | You gotta be kidding me. Who isn't jumping? |
| Dwight Schrute: | I'll tell you who. Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, Angela, and Oscar. |
| Phyllis: | I am jumping. |
| Dwight Schrute: | You are? |
| Phyllis: | Yes, I am jumping. |
| Dwight Schrute: | Let me see you jump. [Phyllis barely jumps] Oh, my God. This is a store bought-camera. This isn't one of those special military-grade cameras that would be able to capture that. |
| Pam Beesly: | I'm freezing |
| Nate: | Um, also, Erin is jumping way too early. She's on the ground by 'three'. |
| Erin: | I didn't want to miss it. |
| Andy: | Well, if we all jump really high, we'll be in the air longer. Do that. |
| Oscar: | Here's a question nobody's asking: Is this worth it? |
| Michael Scott: | Don't answer that. People, listen up and listen good. We need to just get one picture where we're all in the air at the same time. Yes? |
| Oscar: | Why? |
| Michael Scott: | I believe in us. We can do this. Here we go. |
| Nate: | Okay, on three. Uh, everyone in the air. Three, [some people jump] two, [others jump] one, [others jump] zero. [everyone begins to yell] |
| [cut to the talking head] | |
| Michael Scott: | We didn't get it. |