Michael Scott:	Alright. Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the.. worm.
Jim Halpert:	Another worm, like, are they friends?

Jim Halpert:	Does that include 'that's what she said'?
Michael Scott:	Mmhh, yes.
Jim Halpert:	Wow that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.
Michael Scott:	Mmmm... THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Toby:	To amsterdam.
Jim Halpert:	When did you go there?
Toby:	After my divorce.
Jim Halpert:	Really, like how long?
Toby:	Uh, about a week, er... maybe a month... I don- can't remember...

Kelly:	Well, I manage my department and I've been doing that for several years now. And God, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way.
Jim Halpert:	Your department's just you, right?
Kelly:	Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.
Gabe:	Great. Um, can we just... [Motions like he wants to get this over with]
Kelly:	What was that?
Gabe:	We just have a lot of serious candidates to geth through today so...
Kelly:	Am I not a serious candidate?
Gabe:	What do you want me to say? I mean there's a line of qualified people out there, we have a video cd from England, are we all just gonna pretend to... [Looks at Jim and Toby] Okay, um, what are your weaknesses?
Kelly:	I don't have any, ass****.

Michael Scott:	What do I put for 'Reason for visit'?
Jim Halpert:	Concussion.
	[Michael crosses something off]
Jim Halpert:	What did you write?
Michael Scott:	Nothing... I wrote, 'Bringing someone to the hospital.'
Jim Halpert:	So, you thought it meant your reason for visit.
Michael Scott:	No, Jim- this isn't about me anymore.

Michael Scott:	I also built this table.
Jim Halpert:	What is that? Chestnut?
Michael Scott:	No I think that is either pine or nortic cheery.
Jan:	Pine.

	[Andy, Michael, and Dwight are pointing imaginary guns at each other]
Andy:	I didn't do it!
Dwight Schrute:	Okay, everybody just calm down.
Andy:	I am calm.
Michael Scott:	On the count of three we're all going to put down our guns.
Dwight Schrute:	I have crossbows.
Michael Scott:	We'll put down our weaponry on the count of three, you ready?
Dwight Schrute:	Okay, I'm ready.
Michael Scott:	One, two, three.. [all scream]
	[cut to talking head]
Jim Halpert:	Andy revealed himself to be a double agent. At which point Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was double agent. And then Michael announced to everybody that - get this- he was a double agent. Oh, and it is 6:00.

Michael Scott:	Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief. Since, apparently, it doesn't exist, I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert:	Whoa, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott:	No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis:	Afghani.
Michael Scott:	What?
Phyllis:	Afghani.
Michael Scott:	That's a dog.
Pam Beasley:	No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott:	That's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute:	Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael Scott:	No, humans with AIDS.
Creed:	Who has AIDS?
Jim Halpert:	Guys, the Afghanistanannis.
Michael Scott:	Okay, you know what? No, no. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Dwight Schrute:	What is this?
Jim Halpert:	How did those get out?
Dwight Schrute:	Professor Coperfield's Miracle Lagooms?
Jim Halpert:	I was in Jamaca, and I got lost and it was getting dark this one night and out of nowhere this guy comes with a cart and he's selling these. Dwight, he told me things about myself that there's no way he could have known.
Dwight Schrute:	That's a common swindler's trick.
Jim Halpert:	Probably, probably. So I buy some. I turn the corner, I feel like an idiot, so I go back to get my money... He was gone.
Dwight Schrute:	So you want to sell ME magic beans? Hahaha!
Jim Halpert:	Correction: I do NOT want to sell you Professor Copperfields Miracle Lagooms.
Dwight Schrute:	Nice try. No- correction: terrible try. Ha.
	[Later]
Dwight Schrute:	(Dwight walks by Jim's table) Jim, put those away.
Jim Halpert:	(Sees the lagooms out and grabs them) Sorry about that, Pam must have put those out.
Dwight Schrute:	Alright, just out of curiosity, what were the claims to thise beans?
Jim Halpert:	They're lagooms, Dwight. And you're just going to make fun of me, so why would I..? You know what, this ends now. (tears up lagooms)
Dwight Schrute:	(Later) What the..?! (Sees the previously destroyed lagooms on Jim's table)
Jim Halpert:	Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute:	That's impossible!
Jim Halpert:	It is. Right? I mean, it's impossible.
Dwight Schrute:	Alright. I'll take them.
Jim Halpert:	They're probably worthless.
Dwight Schrute:	Probably.
Jim Halpert:	Leave the telescope.
Dwight Schrute:	(To camera) I started with a thumb tac, and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way, the most vauable thing here wasnt the telescope at all. No, it was the packet of beans, and I traded the telescope for it, and I can just go buy another telescope.
	(Later) (Dwight is seen watering the lagooms in flower pots. Dwight leaves and Jim comes out with full grown plants in pots that look the exact same.)

Kevin:	I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.
Jim Halpert:	Thanks for the heads-up, Kev.
Kevin:	I got your back if he does. [long pause] But I'll try to stay out of it.

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Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office

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