Jim Halpert Quotes From The Office

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Jim Halpert: I can't believe I'm saying this but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.
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Jim Halpert: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
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Jim Halpert: We didn't play many video games in Scranton. Instead we'd do stuff like.. uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high pitched note and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And, uh, Pam called it... Pretendinitis.
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Ryan: [referring to Kelly] What did she say?
Jim Halpert: She said lots of things.
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Andy: Who you supposed to be?
Jim Halpert: [points to "My Name Is..." badge] Dave.
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Jim Halpert: We just want to make it up to you, what can we do?
Kelly: I guess my only wish, would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again.
Dwight Schrute: [to Jim] Oh God.
Jim Halpert: [to Kelly] Ok.
Kelly: In a way, it's good that it happened to me because at least I can bare it--
Dwight Schrute: What kind of cake do you want, imbecile.
Kelly: Ice cream.
[Jim and Dwight walk away without a word]
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Karen: I'm not stupid. Okay? I was at the beach. We don't have a future in Scranton. There's one too many people there.
Jim Halpert: You mean Kevin?
Karen: Exactly.
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[Michael is making farting noises]
Toby: Come on Michael. You're interrupting.
Michael Scott: You're kidding me! God! You say radon is silent but deadly and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this! You know what we're not going to die of radon we're going to die of boredom.
[office laughs]
Michael Scott: Right? And if I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
[disapproval from everyone]
Dwight Shrute: You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Michael Scott: I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.
Dwight Shrute: No, it's still...
Michael Scott: OK geniuses how would you do it?
Creed: Curve the bullet, like in my favorite James McAvoy film, um, Wanted.
Oscar: All that does is help you shoot around things. When there's Bin Laden--
Ryan: Is there a curtain rod in the room.
Michael Scott: I donno.
Stanley: How 'bout make believe land has anyyything you want.
Jim Halpert: Stanley please. This is serious.
Angela: Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence.
Michael Scott: Yes, we should stab Toby through the heart with an icicle.
Dwight Shrute: Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it, you line them all up, you take one bullet shoot them all through the throat at the same time. [stands up] Watch this, Phyllis, you're Hitler, come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up. Throats together.
Toby: I don't wanna do this.
Michael Scott: Toby just do it! God!
Dwight Shrute: [holding his fingers like a gun to Phyllis' throat] Ready? One bullet, and, boom! [shows bullet travelling through Toby and Andy's necks]
Michael Scott: [the office applauds] It works!
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Jim Halpert: Everybody, just wanted to make an announcment. Pam and I are engaged.
Pam Beesly: [over phone] Hi everyone!
Oscar: I thought you were already engaged.
Jim Halpert: Nope.
Angela: That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy.
Jim Halpert: Thank you, Angela.
Kevin: I got a gift for Pam and Roy, do I have to get another one?
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Andy: Little close to my engagement there, Tuna. What's your game here?
Jim Halpert: To get married.
Dwight Schrute: She's not a virgin you know.
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Jim Halpert: How are your feet?
Pam Beesly: Medium rare. Thanks.
Jim Halpert: The real reason I went to Stamford is because I wanted to be... not here.
Pam Beesly: I know.
Jim Halpert: And even though I came back, I just feel like I never really.. came back.
Pam Beesly: Well I wish you would.
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Pam Beesly: Who's that?
Jim Halpert: Oh that's just my avatar- guy. Whatever.
Pam Beesly: He looks a lot like you. How much time did you spend on this?
Jim Halpert: Not much. It's just for tracking Dwight, so...
Pam Beesly: Right. You're a sports writer in Philadelphia? Nice build, too.
Jim Halpert: Yep.
Pam Beesly: You have a guitar, slung on your back. I did not know you played guitar.
Jim Halpert: I-- why don't we go back to animation?
Pam Beesly: No, no I wanna see more of Philly Jim! I want Philly Jim.
Jim Halpert: Ahh, show me how this works.
Pam Beesly: Oh boy.
Send "The Office Theme Song" Ringtone to your Cell
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Michael Scott: I've written these things because it is my responsibility as manager of this branch, to profiligate great ideas. And I think I have done my part, with the golden ticket promotion. Now it is your turn. I want to hear some great ideas from you, that are just as good as mine.
Jim Halpert: We own our own delivery trucks. We could lease them out on the weekends--
Michael Scott: Too many words. Good ideas are simple: Golden, ticket.
Jim Halpert: Free, paper.
Michael Scott: No, Jim, we're a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get men on the moon.
Andy: Golden girls. That's a golden ticket idea. Right... I mean how great was that show.
[Michael sighs]
Andy: Golden Grahams. [Michael is staring Andy down] Another-- is a-- I don't get this.
Michael Scott: No you don't. No, it-- What will be the state of this company if I am the only one coming up with the great ideas. Right?
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