Oscar Quotes From The Office

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Ryan: My mom makes the best pesto in the world. And I always tell her, "Mom you should sell this. You'd make a fortune." And she always says, "No. It's just for family." Well, finally I was like **** it, I'll sell it. So I'm like, "Mom, I need you to make a ton of pesto for a pesto party for all my friends." She's like, "Oh, okay." Pesto party, really? Anyway, she makes like a hundred bottles worth. It's so good. And Phyllis just had that Mom look I wanted.
[later]
Oscar: Where did you get this? [cut to a table filled with salsa with a label of a picture of Oscar, wearing a sombrero.]
Ryan: My mom also makes the best salsa.
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Kevin: Are you kidding me? Pam, and Jim, are hooking up. All they do is smile. They're just keeping it a secret. Right?
[pans to Oscar]
Oscar: I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods, it could be other things.
Kevin: Are you kidding me!?
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Michael Scott: I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called 'Fundle Bundle.' Okay? Without further ado, Ryan?
Miss Trudy: [from TV] ...Bundle, are you ready to come on in? [TV children cheer] Let's have some fun!
Michael Scott: That... is Miss Trudy. Can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can... fast forward. And... I want you... to...
Dwight Schrute: Is that a real fun shooting windmill?
Michael Scott: Stop! Stop! Stop! [Ryan resumes the tape] Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow.
Jim Halpert: That's pretty funny.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Edward R. Meow: ...Recess! Hey, what's your name?
Chet: My name's Chet.
Edward R. Meow: Well hi Chet.
Oscar: Is that Chet Montgomery?
Michael Scott: Uhh, I don't know.
Pam Beesly: That is!
Darryl: Checkin' in with Chet. Doppler's up.
Edward R. Meow: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Chet: I want to be on TV!
Dwight Schrute: [employees chuckle] And he is on TV now!
Michael Scott: Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don't miss it.
Edward R. Meow: Okay, next? So, what's your name?
Michael Scott: Oh! That's me. Shh. Shh.
Edward R. Meow: Well what's your favorite subject at school?
Young Michael Scott: Recess.
Edward R. Meow: Ree-cesss. So tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Young Michael Scott: I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
Edward R. Meow: [jaw drops, awkward pause] Uh, ah... oh, okay! Well uh, nice talking with you, Michael. Uh, back to you Miss Trudy!
Miss Trudy: Hi everyone, it's one of my favorite times of the day.
Michael Scott: Coulda sworn there was...
Melissa: Did you get married?
Michael Scott: ...uh, no.
Abby: Why not?
Michael Scott: Uh, just never happened.
Sasha: So, do you have any kids?
Michael Scott: Uh, nope.
Jake: Do you have a girlfriend?
Michael Scott: I do okay.
Melissa: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jake: Even I have a girlfriend.
Michael Scott: Okay! Alright, okay.
Sasha: So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be.
Michael Scott: ...I guess not... you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza... and I'm going to go do my work. Bye.
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Andy: Excuse me, everyone, please check your emails I just sent you the following message: Co-workers, you may have received a valentine from me. Please understand that this does not mean I like you in any way.
Phyllis: You don't even like us as friends?
Andy: Phyllis, you guys are like my closest friends. I just mean I don't like like you.
Oscar: What are we five?
Andy: [reading] Please don't read into this card. Yours in professionalism, Nard Dog.
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Pam Beesly: Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building. So the police put up a radar gun. It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard.
Dwight Schrute: [running] AHHHHH!!!
Phylis: Wow! Thirteen! [breaking Michael's previous record of 12]
Michael Scott: No, no. There was wind.
Dwight Schrute: I was just jogging.
Michael Scott: Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over.
Jim Halpert: No. It's not your turn. Okay, thirteen is the new number. Oscar go ahead. [Oscar is preparing to run]
Michael Scott I want another try. Here we go. [Michael starts running just as a car drives by] Thirty-one! Thirty-one!
Stanley: That was the car.
Michael Scott: I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number.
Oscar: Thirty-one is humanly impossible.
Michael Scott: Go, Oscar. Thirty-one is my new number.
Oscar: That's impossible.
Michael Scott: Beat it!
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Kevin: [to camera] Are you kidding me?! Pam and Jim are totally hooking up! All they do is smile. They're just keeping it a secret! [to Oscar] Right?
Oscar: I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy.
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Michael Scott: You didn't actually think that I was gonna spend 60 bucks on pizza.
Oscar: [in the background] It's not pizza!
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Michael Scott: Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberitely change your state of mind?
Meredith: Sure.
Michael Scott: Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
Meredith: Obviously.
Michael Scott: Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon church?
Oscar: Where did you get this?
Michael Scott: I got it on a website. That's not important.
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Meredith: Hey, has anything happened yet?
Oscar: It's 4:10. I don't think he's gonna show.
Kevin: Oh, come on man! Believe in something.
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